My heart sinks. “You don’t understand. Sex with him isn’t just sex. It’s everything.” I press my hand to my chest to stave off the sensation that I can’t breathe. “It’s incredible. I’ve never felt this way before, not with anyone. The only other time I feel so alive is when I lose myself in dance.” I close my eyes, emotions overwhelming me, tears threatening to spill. “Just me and the stage. That’s how I feel with him.”
When I open my eyes again, my strong, rational best friend’s faceis tearstained. It breaks me. She knows the feeling all too well. She misses dancing as much as I do. Her decision to quit was based on physical trauma while mine was emotional, but we miss the stage all the same.
“Do what you think is right,” she whispers, swiping at her cheeks. “I’ll always be here for you, in happiness and in heartbreak.”
I slip closer and wrap my arms around her shoulders, pulling her to me. “I’m so lucky you’ve stuck with me this long.”
“Glad you feel that way, because I plan to be with you always, even in the afterlife.”
I chuckle, leaning away. “Do you think we’ll find ourselves in heaven?”
“With our lifestyles?” she asks, smiling teasingly. “We’ll be lucky if we get a place in hell.”
When I finally get toHayden’s place with everything I plan to take with me to LA, it’s after eight. The sound of a guitar halts me in my tracks. The tune is quiet, almost uncertain, but still—he’s playing.
I set my duffel bag on the floor in the foyer and tiptoe toward the sound. He’s on the couch, wearing a pair of sweatpants, fingers slowly moving over the frets. As I step closer, he looks up, and a rare bright smile lights up his face.
“It’s the first time since…” He sighs and drops his focus to the instrument again.
He doesn’t have to finish the sentence. I understand.
I sit beside him and put my head on his shoulder. “It’s good. It’s important for you.”
“I’m sorry about this morning,” he whispers. “I acted like a child who doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“You’re forgiven, and thank you for saying that.” I move away but turn to find him already watching me. “I didn’t ask you to check on my apartment because I didn’t want to bother you…in case you weren’t in the mood to get out. I didn’t want you to feel obligated.”
“I understand.” He licks his lips. “The truth is…I’m not a very reliable person right now, so I don’t blame you.”
My heart stutters. “You’re wrong. Look at all the good you’re doing for Ines and Santi. You’re reliable for them.”
“And I am for you.” He swallows audibly, his Adam’s apple moving up and down. Then, he sets his guitar on the coffee table and faces me. “It doesn’t matter what mood I’m in; I’d do anything for you. Just tell me you need me, and I’ll fucking cross all of New York to get to you.”
I need you now.
I need you always.
That’s what I want to say. Instead, I stick with a topic that will help me make it through my vacation. I need to understand who we are to each other.
“I was always jealous of your friendship with Piper, how supportive you were of each other. I wanted that too.” I take a deep breath. “I’m glad I can call you my friend now too.”
The corners of his mouth twitch. “I’m glad you’re my friend too, Ry baby.” He takes my hand and twines his fingers with mine. “You’re always welcome here. Even after your apartment is fixed, you can stay any time. When you’re here, this place feels like home, not just a soulless cavern.”
“Is it because you like my company? Or my cooking?” I ponder. “Or is it because our ‘just once’ sex was too good?”
“All of it,” he says without hesitation. “Though I think our ‘just once’ sex should stay in the past.”
My stupid heart drops to the floor. Head lowered, I avoid his gaze. It hurts more than I prepared myself for.
“Ry, look at me, please.” He takes my chin between his fingers and tilts my face up, making me look him in the eye. “I owe you honesty, so here it is. I think it should stay in the pastfor now. You’ve known me your whole life, and you know I’m not my usual self right now. The grief I’m carrying, my guilt…some days, it’s too much. I don’t want to drag you into my mess.” He presses his forehead to mine and inhales, closing his eyes. “I need to get better. If we ever decide to be more than friends, I need to be worthy of you first. Just give me time.”
The butterflies in my stomach let loose again, though I can’t ignore the mention of his guilt. I won’t ask him about it now. I’ll give him more time to heal.
“Of course,” I say quietly. “We’ll never know if we can make it work unless we try, but we both need to be ready.”
“Thank you for being so understanding.” He kisses my forehead. “I promise to put in the effort.”
My heart floats, but for now, I change the subject, ready to lighten the mood. “Wanna watchArcane?”
