I was indeed delusional, like Nastya said. I would’ve said no to even the most perfect of men if it meant Hayden Hale would finally notice me.
That flicker of hope I’ve been holding on to, that I’ve hidden under layers of denial and logic, has officially been extinguished.
He told me he was here for me, that he didn’t want to meet anyone. And yet…here he is.
I give Andrew a sad smile. I don’t want to lead him on, so when he asks for my number, I’ll try to let him down easy. I just don’t want to fall apart in the middle of the club.
What I need is to focus on myself.
And to stop hoping Hade will ever see me as a grown woman.
9
where’s riley?
HAYDEN
“Can you imagine?He dropped to the floor and did some move he calls the caterpillar.” Head thrown back, Zoe laughs.
She’s tall and fit, with a pair of legs that have held my attention since the moment she asked if she could join me. I haven’t been discreet, and she’s made a point of showing them off, shifting and crossing one leg over the other. If she moves much more, her skirt will ride up so high, I’ll know the color of her underwear.
Can’t say I’d mind.
“What did you do?” I ask.
She bites her red-painted lip. “I laughed.” A tiny shrug follows. “I can’t imagine a world in which I’d agree to go on a date with him after he did all that in front of my friends.”
Her self-confidence is admirable, though she sounds a lot more snobbish than the women I usually gravitate toward.
“For sure.” I nod.
She sidled up to the table just after a third guy approached Riley. Yet another one I wasn’t impressed with. When Zoe asked if I was Hayden Hale, I considered denying it, but I’d been here, watching Riley flirt with other men for over an hour, and I was getting pissed. So, needing a distraction, I said yes.
When Zoe asked if she could join me, I said yes again. Themoment her ass hit the booth, she started gushing about my music, our shows, her favorite Sabotage songs. She eagerly explained why the lyrics from “Flawless”—the song I wrote for Piper, to earn her forgiveness—speak to her. She’s been to several of our shows, including the one in LA.
She stroked my ego by fangirling, but more than that, our interaction reminded me of when life was so much easier. She knows the Hade I used to be: the lead singer of Sabotage, the guy who always knew how to have fun. She doesn’t know the shell of a person I’ve turned into lately. This man who can’t write or play, who prefers solitude.
Zoe isn’t interested in Hayden Hale, not really. She wants Hade, the lead singer of Sabotage.
And I like it.
She leans in and puts a hand on my arm. “Dance with me,” she tells me.
I only hesitate for a moment. When she grasps my wrist, the decision is easy. I didn’t come here to mope, after all.
Strobe lights flash and strong basslines encircle us as she weaves through the throng of people, her hand clutching mine. Sweat and perfume and alcohol seep into me, reminding me of nights out after shows. I wasn’t always up for clubbing, but when I was, Owen was right there beside me. He was always ready for a good time, and I loved him for that.
Damn. This is not the right fucking place to be hit by the double Gs: grief and guilt. They can wait till I’m home.
Zoe stops, turns around, and presses her back to my chest. I place my hands on her hips. It’s like a reflex, no more than that. Despite the way I enjoyed her flirting, I feel nothing. So, I close my eyes and try to lose myself in her. In the moment. In the rhythm of the EDM. In the heat of the packed dance floor.
I’ve barely found peace before “The Ultimatum” plays.
Memories assault me, drowning me, pummeling me with reminders of all my poor decisions. Nine years ago, when I found out Piper was hooking up with my brother, I forced her to do somethingshe wasn’t ready to do, and I nearly destroyed our friendship. Like a butterfly effect, my ultimatum drove her away, and I lost my muse. I couldn’t write a fucking song until she finally forgave me. I was an idiot, and I almost lost my best friend because of it.
The memories dissipate, replaced with newer concerns. What would she do if she found out I promised her little sister that I’d look after her, only to brood when men approached her? What would she think if she knew I promised Riley I wasn’t here to meet anyone, and then, rather than helping her like I said I would, I spent the night flirting with this woman?
I’m almost thirty, but I’m acting as childishly as I did nine years ago. The guilt brewing in the back of my mind spreads through me quickly, making my chest feel tight.
