He would’ve understood me. He would’ve known what to say. He would’ve told me what to do.
I sink to my knees in the grass. “Hey, man. It’s been a while. I’m sorry for not visiting you more often…” I lower my head and breathe through the pain in my chest. “I find myself talking to you, wishing you were still with me. And with the album coming out, I miss you more than ever. I wish you were here to experience it with us. We already released ‘Power Is You,’ and the fans love it. They’re all talking about your voice and your guitar,” I mutter, voice cracking. “I miss you. I miss being with you in the studio, jamming together, playing the piano while you sing a lullaby you wrote for Santi.
“Your boy is wonderful, and the way he loves Ines is something else. I’m sure you’re proud of him.” Eyes closed, I take a deep, shaky breath. “He’s a smart kid, and I love spending time with him. He reminds me of you, so much. I visit them when I can, and I hope you know that I will always be there for your family…because they are my family too.”
I press my hand to his stone. “I’m going to be a dad too. I heard my baby’s heartbeat, and the emotions that hit me? I swear, I’ve never experienced anything like it. It’s like having the most beautiful melody stuck in my head. I already love that kid. A boy or a girl…who cares. I will love them forever.”
I double over, a sob bursting out of me. “I fucked up, man. I lost Riley, and it’s my own damn fault. Fuck, it hurts. Nothing has ever hurt like this before… It’s like my heart was ripped out of my chest.” I suck in a breath, not bothering to wipe the tears off my face. “I couldn’t stay away from her. I craved her like a drowning person craves air. Like I can’t live without her. She is the first girl I’ve ever loved, and I fucking pushed her away, never told her how I really feel. I was scared I’d make a mistake and lose her. I didn’t want to risk it, so I acted like a coward and lost her anyway.
“I want to be with her. I want to make it work. And not because of the baby. She’s it for me.” I press my head to his stone. “What should I do, man?”
Thunder rolls quietly, the sound going right through me. Then, the first drops fall. I look up, the rain splashing on my cheek, then my forehead. Within minutes, it’s pouring, soaking my clothes, plastering my hair to my forehead. The raindrops are heavy, cold, and kind of merciless, but I smile. All I can think about is Riley and how much she loves rain.
I stand, tip my head back, and hold my arms out. I swear, I hear Owen’s voice in the pounding of the rain.
“Is this your way of telling me to stop being a coward?” I whisper. “To fight for her?”
A lightning bolt crosses the sky in answer. I know it’s Owen telling me to fight for her, to fight for my future.
And when I finally leave, I’m filled with determination. My clothes stick to me, but I don’t feel cold. My heart burns in my chest. Burns forher. There’s no fucking way I’m giving up.
It tookme two days to convince Riley to meet me for lunch. She was against the idea at first, refusing to come back to the penthouse and too worried about the paparazzi to meet in public. So, I asked TJ for a favor, and he gladly organized a private lunch for us at Alchemy.
At first, all we do is just eat and make small talk. She tells me about her days, and I tell her about mine. It feels safe, easy, but that’s not why I wanted her to come.
“I’m sorry, Riley.” My voice is steady, even though my heart is trying to find its way out of my chest. “I’m sorry for failing you. I’msorry for making you feel like I didn’t want you, like I wasn’t ready to risk everything for you and our baby.”
She watches me closely, eyes narrowed.
“I want you to know something,” I continue. “I’ve already decided to start counseling. I want to get better. I want to heal. I want to fix myself. For you, for our baby…and because I don’t want to keep living like this.”
Her shoulders relax just a fraction. “Counseling sounds like a good idea. I wanted?—”
“Ry baby, I would’ve been a complete asshole if I let you do that.” I reach across the table, covering her palm with mine. “It never should’ve felt like it was your job to fix me. That’s not fair. It’s not right.”
Her fingers tense under mine, and my heart misses a beat.
“What is right,” I say quietly, “is you being my motivation. My reason to want more than just surviving. But the work?” I press my hand to my chest. “That’s on me.”
She exhales, looking away for a second. “I’ve heard beautiful words before from you,” she says softly. “I need to see you choose this when it gets hard.”
“You will,” I answer without hesitation. “I already have my first session on Monday. And this time, I’m not running.”
She presses her lips together as she assesses me with an intensity that pushes me to talk more, to remind her I’ll do anything for her.
“Please remember,” I add, “no matter what you need, I’m one call away.”
She studies me for a long moment. Then, she gives a small smile. “Actions speak louder than words, Hade.”
“Then let me prove it,” I say. “Let me prove I mean what I say. I’ll do it every single day.”
This time, her smile grows wider, just like her eyes are softening. Later, when we leave the restaurant, I feel more hopeful than I’ve been in days. Now, I know nothing is lost.
One month later
My whirlwindof a life has only gotten busier since the album release. I did start counseling because I wanted to get better—not only for myself, but for Riley and our baby. I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. So far, so good. Talking through my grief and my fear of commitment with Dr. Martin has made a big difference. Therapy also eases some of the tension I’ve been under with the label pushing us to get back on the road. I know I can’t. I’m not ready. This was supposed to be a hiatus, but my days are consumed with promoting the new album.
I give it my all because this album is a tribute to Owen, and I want it to succeed, but there’s no fucking way I’ll go on tour and leave Riley alone. They can all go fuck themselves if they think I’d do that.
