“A mutually beneficial arrangement,” I conclude, making sure to ground this proposal in unsentimental language.
“Arrangement.” Jamie takes a step closer, repeating my word. It’s clear he doesn’t like the sound of it in his mouth. But it’s also clear from his eyes that not everything I said was distasteful to him.
“Right,” I answer. “Not a relationship.”
The sides of Jamie’s lips tug down a fraction. I know that a relationship is what he wants. But it’s not something I feel like I have the space for right now.
I definitely want to fuck him, though. I won’t lie to myself about that. And this proposal accomplishes everything: we get to enjoy ourselves, he gets to learn his way around a woman’s body, I get inspiration for writing my book, and the terms of the arrangement make it clear to Jamie that he shouldn’t let himself get too attached.
“So, what, then?” Jamie asks. “We schedule it like a series of doctor’s appointments? Wednesday at two-thirty to eat your pussy?”
Liquid heat rolls through my core. Jamie talking about eating me out while his smoldering gaze holds mine almost makes me think I’m a fool for imagining that I can keep my feelings on a leash.
But I have to trust that I can. My book depends on it.
Right, it’s all in the service of literature. Nothing to do with the fact that you’re hornier than a cat in heat after finding out what Jamie can do with his mouth and fingers.
Shut up, brain.
“Well, doctor’s appointments aren’texactlythe vibe I had in mind.”
“We can keep hanging out together while we’re doing this?”
“I don’t see why not.” Besides, making this some sterile, bureaucratic affair wouldn’t really be conducive to the kind of mood I want to get in my writing.
“But it’s still not a relationship,” Jamie says, skeptically. “Just us hanging out and fucking.”
The bluntness of his words brings a blush to my cheeks. “Two people hanging out and fucking while very much not being in a relationship is something that’s been known to happen.”
Not to Jamie, though. And that’s a conscious decision on his end. His face tells me he’s mulling this over in his mind, and I start to worry that he’s going to say no, when …
“Alright,” he pronounces.
Excitement dances along my nerves. “I think we’ll both find this … mutually advantageous.”
I reach for the most insipid and unsexy words I can find to sprinkle some cold water on my emotions. To remind myself that I can’t let this whole thing get too personal. But Jamie’s looking at me like he sees right through that tactic.
He takes another step closer. Soon we’ll be even closer than this, without a sheet of paper’s distance between our bodies. And we’ll be naked. There’s not a phrase unsexy enough in the English language to douse the flames that curl through me atthatthought.
“I have two away games over the weekend,” Jamie says. “But I’m free Monday. Let’s hang out after classes, and then we can have our first … session.”
That word shouldn’t sound so salacious.
“Sounds good. But remember, it’s not a date.”
Jamie’s mouth slants. “Of course not.”
“I mean it.”
I’m not sure which one of us I’m really trying to convince.
24
CARMEN
My fingers fly across the keyboard. Black text flashes onto the white background of my Word document, line after line filling the screen at a pace I’ve never achieved before. Triumph beats in my chest as my cursor drops onto a new page. The fourth one I’ve filled since sitting at my computer chair this morning.
More than once, I’ve asked myself if I concocted the idea of this arrangement with Jamie just because I want to sleep with him. I mean, come on, the idea that some hot guy giving me orgasms could break my writer’s block?
