Ugh, how do I pull this off?
Maybe a joke?
I’d love to hear her laugh again. Fuck, would I love to hear her laugh again.
Do I know any jokes? Can I think of one?
I’m pulled out of my thoughts by Felix slapping me on the back.
“You snooze, you lose,” he says. “Why don’t you pay attention and see how it’s done?”
Then he’s swaggering in Carmen’s direction, puffed up with the natural confidence that he’s always full of when he goes to talk to a girl.
Tension twists in my stomach. Felix isn’t an asshole, and I know he’s too good a friend to actually pick up Carmen when he knows I like her. But the thought of him turning on his charm and seeing her respond in a way she never does for me brings a bitter taste to my mouth. It makes me feel like stomach acid is crawling up my throat.
As soon as I see Felix open his mouth to say something to Carmen, I pull my eyes away.
“I’m going to the bathroom,” I grumble. I’d love to get another drink, but I don’t want to walk closer to the bar where Carmen and Felix are.
I do my business and make sure to thoroughly wash my hands just to spend more time away from my roommate hitting on the only girl I’ve ever fallen for.
When I step back out, I’m surprised to find Carmen alone at her seat. Felix is walking slowly back to our group, an almost shellshocked look on his face, with a tail-between-his-legs gait.
Sebastian is smirking at Felix when I rejoin them. “Finally found someone impervious to your charms?”
Felix pushes a breath past his lips. “You’ve got your work cut out for you, Jamie. Shit, I’ve never been rejected like that.”
A satisfied feeling swirls through me. I try not to smile.
“Maybe it only takes one rejection to permanently shatter Felix’s fragile ego,” Carter says. “Maybe he’ll never be the same after this.”
Felix raises his brows. “You’re telling me. After the treatment I just received, I might swear off women for a while.”
A rare smile graces Veikko’s face. There’s an unusual glint in his eyes, an expression of something I can’t quite put my finger on.
Just as I start to think about whether it’s worth it to try to talk to Carmen after she brushed Felix off, I see her hop off her stool and leave.
Disappointment sinks into my chest. This might have been a good opportunity, and I let it slip through my fingers.
My gaze lingers on her as she pulls on her jacket and walks into the cold night.
I stay for another five minutes. I’m trying not to be a downer, but my mood’s in the gutter. It’s been months, and I haven’t gotten any closer to getting to know Carmen in any meaningful way. Who knows if I ever will?
I might have let myself get irrationally optimistic for a minute after she came to my defense when Veikko tripped me, but let’s be real, that didn’t mean anything.
When Sebastian offers to get us another round of drinks, I excuse myself. I leave, hopelessness weighing heavily on my shoulders.
8
CARMEN
Idon’t know what I was thinking.
All afternoon and evening after finishing my shift at the café, I sat at my computer trying to force myself to put words on the screen. Dozens of times, I torturously typed out a paragraph, wringing the words from my brain like squeezing water from a stone, and each time I was so dissatisfied with the result that I deleted the whole thing to start again.
After a while, I started to feel stir crazy in my apartment. I couldn’t even focus on watching something or reading a book to take my mind off it.
And the thought I had the other day—that my own lack of sexual chemistry with the men I’ve been with is stifling my creativity—kept barging into my mind.
