1
JAMIE
“Yeah, that’s because you’re a virgin.”
Even as I roll my eyes, my cheeks warm. I’m not ashamed of what my teammate and roommate Felix just reminded me of—that even in my junior year of college, I’m still holding onto my V-card—but I can’t deny that sometimes I do feel a twinge of embarrassment at the word.
“I don’t think that has anything to do with it,” Sebastian replies. “It doesn’t appeal to me, either.”
“What doesn’t?” Another chair at our table pulls out, and our burly Finnish defenseman Veikko fills it. We’re all meeting to hang out after classes at Last Word, the bookshop-café downtown. It’s the second week since we returned from winter break, and classes are just finishing for the day.
“The threesome Felix had the other night,” Carter, another of our teammates and roommates, answers. “Jamie doesn’t approve.”
I hold up my hands. “Hey, hey, I didn’t say I don’t approve. I’m not judging. It’s just … not my thing.”
“Sex isn’t your thing in general, dude,” Felix answers dismissively before stuffing his mouth with a big bite of banana bread.
“Don’t be a dick, Felix,” Sebastian parries.
“What?” Felix exclaims, like he can’t understand why Sebastian is calling him out. “It’s true. I work harder trying to finally get our captain laid than he does.” Felix shakes his head, looking at me. “I don’t know why you didn’t go home with that blonde the other night. She was all over you.”
Because she wasn’t her.
That’s the answer I want to give my roommate. After all, that’s always been the answer. The answer to why I often pull away when girls try to flirt with me. The answer to why I don’t go out looking for hookups like so many guys my age do. The answer to why, at twenty-one years old, I haven’t gone any further with a girl than a couple kisses here and there.
But that fact doesn’t bother me. Unlike all the other guys I’ve known, getting physical with a girl when there’s no emotional connection doesn’t appeal to me. And I just haven’t found that emotional connection yet.
Maybe it’s stupid. I’ve certainly had my balls busted about it hundreds of times when I’ve expressed this feeling to teammates or friends. But I want to lose my virginity to a girl I’m in love with.
Cheesy? Delusional? Antiquated? Maybe. But it’s how I feel.
Is some of the reason why I haven’t found that connection due to the fact that, admittedly, I have zero game, can’t flirt, and get awkward when a girl is clearly trying to push things into a physical direction that I’m not comfortable going in? Yeah, probably.
But that’s not really the main reason. Every time I’ve been on a first date, or had conversations with girls at parties or while I’ve been out at bars with my teammates, it’s always felt … notright. I’ve never been able to shake the feeling that the girl I’m talking to just isn’t the one for me. Not the girl I’m going to fall for. Not the one I’d feel comfortable sharing my first time with.
That she’s nother.
Of course, for all these years,herwas just an idea. Not an actual person. Not someone I’d ever met.
Until …
I glance to the side, and immediately, the breath evacuates my lungs.
A short, petite girl with curly, midnight-black hair and glossy chocolate-brown eyes steps out of the employees-only door at the back of the café.
Carmen.
As usual, she wears a cold, hard look on her face. Her full lips flat and straight, her brow low, not a trace of warmth in her eyes. It’s a look that’s clearly intended to push people away. But from the moment I first laid eyes on her, it’s only pulled me in.
There’s no logical reason for it. She’s cold, distant, seemingly completely uninterested in any kind of social interaction. She isn’t friendly with her coworkers, she doesn’t chat with any of the regulars, and the couple of times I’ve built up the courage to try to talk to her, she hasn’t been the least bit encouraging.
My ears have that underwater feeling. I can sense the vibration of my teammates’ voices around me as they continue to talk, but I can’t make out any words. My eyes, and one hundred percent of my attention, are latched solely on the unapproachable beauty who showed up here out of the blue a couple months ago, and who’s resisted anyone’s efforts to get to know her—especially mine.
When I saw her, it was like a bolt of lightning striking at the base of my neck. All my interest was pulled in her direction in a way I’d never felt before. I can’t explain it, but instantly,I wanted to get to know her. Wanted to spend as much time around her as possible.
No matter how little sense it makes, I haven’t been able to shake the overwhelming feeling that Carmen might beher.
I know how ridiculous that is. I also know that it’s a feeling that hasn’t gotten any weaker, no matter how many times I remind myself of that fact.
