How to smile while your life falls apart and call it composure.
Sometimes I catch myself doing the same thing.
The phone vibrates, knocking me from the past.
Mom.
She’d called earlier and I let it go to voicemail. Instead of doing it again, I pick up, needing to hear the sound of her voice. Needing to ground myself in something that feels steady.
“Hey,” I say, trying for normal. “You’re up late.”
“I just got back from a faculty function, and thought I’d check in since we got cut short the other day. I never heard back from you. Busy with work, I assume?”
“Yeah, it’s been hectic. One thing after another. You know how it is.”
“That’s life, darling. You really should give more consideration to starting your own agency.”
I tighten the towel around my body. “I already told you, Mom. Maybe someday in the future, but not now. It’s just not the right time.”
“The problem is that it’ll never be the right time. Kind of like having children,” she says with a light laugh. “Sometimes you just have to take the plunge.”
“By having a child?” I say, well aware that’s not what she meant at all.
“God, no. I mean starting your own business. Just think about it, that’s all I’m asking.”
Even though I have no intention of doing it, I say, “I will, all right?”
There’s a moment of silence before she changes the topic. “Oh, you’ll never guess who I ran into the other day.” She doesn’t wait for me to respond before barreling on. “Priya Patel from down the block. She married a lawyer and now has two kids. They’re buying a house in Evanston.”
“I remember when she couldn’t even keep a goldfish alive,” I mutter.
“She seems happy enough. Although, I’m sure it won’t be long before the wheels fall off, and she finds out he’s cheating on her.”
“That’s really dark, Mom.” I shake my head even though she can’t see me do it.
Her laugh is quiet and knowing. “Maybe. But I think we both know how jaded I am.”
I hesitate. “I guess I shouldn’t bother asking if you’re seeing anyone.”
There’s a pause. “Who has time for relationships when grants need to be written and classes need to be taught?”
I swallow hard, unsure whether I envy her certainty or pity it.
She yields a fraction, but not much. “What about you? Have you been out lately?”
I exhale, forcing a nonchalance I don’t feel. “No one serious.”
The response feels like a lie. What I want is for Oliver to be more of a temporary situation. But there’s nothing casual about the way he’s taken root under my skin.
“That’s for the best,” she says briskly. “You know how men are. They’ll take what they want and then leave you to clean up the mess. I just want you to be smart.”
“I am smart,” I bite out, more defensively than I mean to.
“I know.” Her tone gentles, the way it always does right before the knife slips in. “You feel things so deeply, Rina. And when you do, it comes at a cost. Just be smart about things. Don’t hand that kind of power over to just anyone.”
I close my eyes as the truth sinks in.
Too late.
