“You’re… you’re not mad? Disappointed?” My breathing is short and choppy. I feel like I’m on the verge of hyperventilating.
“Of course not! Sweety, I know the timing isn’t ideal, but you are in such a better place than I was when I got pregnant with Aiden. You have family and friends who love you and will support you, and you’re actually in love with the father of your child.”
I pause and let that sink in. Her assurance that I won’t have to do this alone does help calm a bit of my panic. I suck in deep breaths until I don’t feel like I’m struggling for air anymore.
Still, I have no idea how Zander will react. How am I even going to tell him?
“That… that’s true… ” I murmur at length, though my voice wavers. “He’s always wanted kids, but… now I’m not so sure he wants them with me. What if he doesn’t want the baby?”
“You need to tell him,” Mom insists gently. “Whatever he decides won't change how much that baby is loved and how well it will be cared for. You're going to be an amazing mom sweetie, and you've got a lot of people in your corner to help you every step of the way.”
I sigh, feeling calmer thanks to her reassurances. This isn’t something I can keep from Zander… I know that. He needs to be told about the baby, and however he responds to the news, I’ll get through this. Mom’s right. I won’t be alone… and quietly I pray, Zander will be there with me.
“I’ll be home in a few days,” I tell her. “I’ll tell Zander then. Maybe, hopefully, in person.”
“That’s a good idea. The sooner the better.”
I slump forward, dropping my elbows on my knees.
“Okay… thanks, Mom.”
“Any time, baby girl. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
After we hang up, I continue to sit on the toilet lid, thinking and thinking and thinking.
I want Zander. Period. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. I love him and it's time I fight for him. Fight for true love. He's offered to sacrifice for me so many times. Has gone out of his way to make sure I forgave him when I found out he knew I was ClickTease. God, what have I done? I’ve made such a mess of things. It’s my turn to make sacrifices and put in the work for a relationship - if not for me, then for Zander and this baby. Whether or not Zander wants to be with me, he’s definitely going to want to be in his child’s life, and I want to be in his, in any way he will have me. It's time I show him just how much I’m willing to sacrifice for him, even if he never feels the same way about me again.
Picking my phone back up, I open my email and start a new one to Juliet. Once that’s sent, I pull up my text message thread with Zander and compose a new one for him.
Rylee: Hey… Happy New Year. I wanted to tell you again how sorry I am for everything that’s happened between us. I’m so grateful that you’re still talking to me, and while I know things will never be the same, it gives me hope that one day you’ll forgive me. I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself while I’ve been away… kind of working on New Year’s resolutions, you could say. I see I do have a problem with alcohol and know I need help. It’s not going to be a crutch for me anymore, and I’m not going to hide from my problems any longer. I’m going to face them head on, talk things out instead of just writing in a journal or drinking. I should have done that all along, because the way I’ve been dealing with things has cost me you, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.
I send that first message and pause. Should I tell him about the baby? I begin typing that out, then quickly erase it. No… no, that’s something I should tell him in person. I think of something better.
Rylee: I’ll be home on the 2nd, and if you want to meet me, I’d really like to see you. And… I love you. No matter what. I always will.
CHAPTER FORTY: PERFECT LOVE
ZANDER
Fuck,I can’t sleep. Again.
I haven’t been able to get a decent night’s sleep for the past month. Pretty much since Rylee left for Ireland, honestly.
Loneliness has been eating away at me. I’ve thought of nothing but her. I’ve even been texting her, but there’s a part of me that’s still holding back. That’s not ready to totally go all in with her again.
Even hanging with my family over the holidays has done little to make me feel better. I can’t stop thinking of Rylee and remembering how great things were when she was here with me not that long ago. Even now, lying in my bed in my parents’ house, all I can seem to think of is what I did with her when she was in this bed with me at Thanksgiving.
That seems so long ago. It’s almost the new year, and after the shitty way this one ended, I’m not feeling all that celebratory.
Sighing, I shove the blankets away and climb out of bed. No reason to keep lying here and fantasizing about Rylee riding me into oblivion.
Leaving my room, I make my way downstairs toward the kitchen. As I pass the living room, I see the glow from the TV so I pop inside to see what’s going on.
Rosie is sitting on the couch, watching some rom-com with a bowl of candy perched on her belly. She’s wearing the Rudolph pajama set Mom got her for Christmas and her short curls are pushed back from her face with a green headband. She looks up at me in surprise, and then sympathy.
“Can’t sleep?” she asks.
