I’m so fucking in over my head.
No matter how many times I try to leave them out of it, now that they’re around, they won’t be giving up.
Knowing what I know now, I suppose I’m only left with one option.
It’s time to stop fighting the inevitable. They’re not going to let me go, and as much as I want to keep their heads attached firmly to their bodies, deep down, I don’t want to leave them either. I’ve been running for so long, attempting to kill the darkness that lives inside me, but maybe instead, I can hide it. Bury it far down where my men will never be able to see it.
There has to be a way I can still take Colt down without risking their lives. I’m the best fucking assassin in the Northern Hemisphere for Christ sake.
Max opens the door with his card and I can feel the icy chill that lingers in the air.And let me tell you, it ain’t coming from the AC machine. I can’t deny that I deserve it, the anger and irritation they’ve pointed my way. The glares that pierce my skin and saturate my soul, but it still takes me off guard to feel it coming from them.
It’s been so many years of only looking out for myself, I seem to have forgotten how to be human. Forgetting my actions have consequences that can affect other people and not just me. I don’t even remember what it feels like to be deeply caredfor by someone else. So, this…unwelcome party they’re throwing me right now, it hits a lot harder than it should.
And definitely deeper than I’d like to admit.
“Okay, look,” I begin, walking further into the room. “You have every right to be pissed at me.”
“Yeah, Bear, we do!” Ryder exclaims without letting me finish my thought. My eyes shoot daggers at him, a clear sign that I was not finished and warning him not to do it again. He shrinks back, his gaze moving to the floorboards when he realizes he’s being rude.
“As I was saying, you have every right to be pissed at me, and you can scream, yell, and tell me how stupid I am in a minute. First though, there’s something I want to get off my chest.” Inhaling deep, I pause to take a moment to myself. I’m not going to tell them everything, hell, I probably won’t even tell them most of it. But I will have to tell them enough to get them off my back.
Walking over to the window, I gaze out over the bustling city. The New Orleanians running around the streets, heading to their jobs or schools. What I wouldn’t give to be down there, instead of up here about to confess some of the shit I’ve been hiding for years. My arms cross over my chest, gripping at my elbows as my lip tucks between my teeth for the millionth time today. A nervous habit I have yet to overcome.
“I’m not going to disclose every detail to you, and you have to understand that it’s for your own good. You can be mad at me for it…” I glance at Max, who takes one look at me and hangs his head. “Or you can understand that there are just some things I’m not willing to discuss. I will, however, tell you this much.” I take a deep breath, using the movement to steady the wave of emotions inside.
Here goes nothing.
“For eleven years, I spent every day with my only goal being survival. Figuring out how I was going to make it until the next day, the next sunrise, sometimes, even the next meal. Eleven years, I spent protecting my mind, trying not to let it break and shatter, and to do that, I had to put all my focus on me and me alone. I understand it’s no excuse for some of my behavior, and I’m not trying to claim it as such, but you’re going to have to be patient with me. More than you’ve everbeen before.” Tears prick at the corners of my eyes, as my fingers tighten against my skin. My nails are digging in so deep, I’m bound to have crescent shaped scars by the time I’m done.
“All those years, the focus I had on protecting my mind, came out in several different ways. One of those ways was thinking about the four of you.” I turn, leaning my butt against the window ledge with my head low. My eyes are closed tight, unable to meet their gazes even if I wanted to. I know they’ve all shuffled closer, drawn in by the story and my mini-confession. But there’s no way I could deal with their ranging looks of worry or sorrow right now. Not if I want to make it through the rest.
“Days bled into nights, weeks into months, and whenever I would feel like I was slipping into madness, when I was on the verge of giving up, I would picture the five of us. Re-living the memories we’d made throughout the years. Our last day at the beach, the BBQ Ry’s parents threw when we graduated elementary school, even though he hadn’t yet. The camping trip where Kade got stung by a bee on his ass and couldn’t sit down all weekend.” I smirk, when I hear the low groan coming from Kade. “All the nights we would spend together lying in Old Man Withers field. Staring up at the stars and talking about how one day we would make it to the big city. How we would all support each other in following our dreams and stick by one another through everything… It’s all I could do to hold on. Pretending that you had accomplished everything we ever talked about. And you did, you each had that.” I stop, a few tears have fallen, cresting the swell of my cheek and I wipe them away with the back of my hand. My eyes are still on my toes, until I feel someone sit beside me at the window and look up to find Kade.
“Babe, you’re still here,” he says, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. I lean into his side, needing the contact and sense of familiarity right now. “You’re with us, and you always have been. Always will be.”
My head shakes, dismissing his notion. “But I haven’t though, have I? It’s been twelve years, Kade. Twelve years where the four of you had each other. Where you got to live, dream, and complete all the things we had set out to do. You became a unit, built a connection, created a family.”
“You’ve always been a part of that connection, Bear,” Max informs, stepping up to the other side of me.
Before I have a chance to argue, Zane and Max are removing their shirts, Kade is rolling up one of his pant legs, and Ryder is removing his jacket. All of them turn, with different areas of their bodies facing me and that’s when I notice. Each of them have the same tattoo of a life-like bear cub with the letters A and G in a banner across the front. Initials.My initials.Well, my old ones anyway.
This time when the tears form and pool in my lash line, I let them fall as I stare at the beautiful images in front of me. “You-you guys really didn’t give up. Did you?” I choke out between my sobs.
“Not for a day, Baby Girl,” Zane answers, turning so that he’s facing me again. The rest follow suit and as I look into each of their eyes, nothing but honesty and sincerity shine back at me.
I don’t know why I ever doubted them when they said they had searched for me. Some cruel part of me trying to trick my mind into believing I wasn’t important enough to be looked for. That they had lived their lives without lurking nightmares plaguing their thoughts. There’s a section within me that’s ecstatic. My best friends, my men, never gave up—still won’t give up. But there's also a part of me that harbors a deep sadness for them. For the lives they never got to live and the experiences they never got to have. Too busy looking for the missing girl from their past.
My jaw hardens, the thoughts of what more they could have accomplished in their lives, had they forgotten about me, lingering within my brain matter. Stabbing into the lobes of my mind like a tattoo gun, inking the thoughts onto the surface for eternity.
