CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
AFTER SHUTTING THE apartment door, Natalie stood in the low-ceilinged corridor for at least a full minute, torn between following through on her plan to leave, and saying “fuck it” and running back to Ford.
But going back would only bring more heartache.
She let out a deep breath before straightening and heading toward the stairs.With any luck, Blitz had eaten the ridiculous note Natalie had written.Writing it had seemed like a good idea when she thought she’d never see Ford again, but after facing him just now, she’d rather keep a shred of pride.But,whatever.She still wouldn’t see him again, so who cared?
Her heart climbed into her throat, and the walls around her laughed wildly at her bravado.
The tears came then, and she rushed down the curving steps, eager to get away, as if the pain wouldn’t follow.As if.She swiped at her damp face.Maybe someday she’d be able focus on how lucky she’d been to have this time with Ford—time she wouldn’t exchange even for a whole heart—but at the moment she couldn’t imagine it.
As she stepped off the landing next to the closed dance studio, her foot slipped out from under her.Her arms shot back to catch her fall as she landed hard on her butt.Pain seared her chest at the unexpected movement, and she cried out.Motherfucker.
She pressed her palm gently over her still tender bullet wound, fighting a sudden bout of nausea.The throbbing in her backside was a mild annoyance in comparison.Ears ringing, she closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall, forcing herself to breath slowly for what felt like hours, until she could move safely to sit up straight.
Suddenly something poked her in the back.Twisting to look, she got a wet nose against her neck and a lick on her cheek.“Hi, Blitz.”Her pulse calmed even more as she ran her fingers through the dog’s damp-but-fluffy fur.
The slap of footsteps echoed off the walls and Ford rounded the bend in the stairs.His hair had dried half spiky, and he wore nothing but jeans, his impressive torso on full display.“Shit.Are you okay?”He slipped past Blitz and crouched in front of Natalie, resting a warm hand on her knee.“I’m so sorry.I meant to come back and clean up the water, but—” He made a pained face.“Are you hurt?”
The dog tried to insert herself between them, nuzzling Nat’s leg, tail wagging.
He grabbed her collar and urged her to the side, his bare foot slipping on the wet tile.“Blitz, sit.”Holding back the eager fuzzball with one hand, he braced his shoulder against the wall.He gave Natalie’s thigh a gentle squeeze and caught her gaze.“Hey.”His voice was soft, like a warm blanket.“What do you need?”
So many things.“Dry pants would be a good start.”A confusing combination of tears and laughter fought for dominance, giving her a headache.She’d known leaving him would be difficult emotionally; she hadn’t expected it to be physically painful.“If you wanted me to stay, you didn’t have to make me fall down the stairs.”
Instead of the scowl—or even apology—she expected, he gave a short laugh, his blue eyes sparkling as he shook his head.“I love you.”The words were light, airy, playful.The way you might ask someone to marry you after tasting their amazing cooking.
Definitely not serious.
She froze, the smile that had been tugging at her lips slowly fading.He couldn’t know how cruel it was for her to hear the words she’d craved for years thrown out so casually, merely to signal that her weird humor amused him.Shifting into a coquettish head tilt, she looked at him from beneath her eyelashes.“I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.”
His grin slipped, and he caught her hand, his expression solemn.“I don’t, Nat.In fact, I never have.”
Her heart flopped right over in her chest.What was he saying?“Are you kidding me right now?”She pulled back her hand like he’d burned her.“You really think if you lay the L word on me, I’ll swoon at your feet and…and…warm your bed for another day or two?”God, she had to get away from him before he saw her cry.
The look on his face as he stood was some combination of bewilderment, irritation, and hurt.She wanted to slide into his warm arms and have him tell her he loved her repeatedly.
But it’d be a lie, and in a few days she’d be right back here, heart breaking all over again.
More importantly,the people she loved were in danger.“You know what?Never mind.Even if I returned these supposed feelings, protecting my family is my only priority now.”
Ford sighed.“Nat, I get that.And I’m not trying to manipulate you.”His hand raked through his hair, leaving behind rows like a plowed field.“I just—” He winced.Took a deep breath and let it out slowly, lowering himself to sit beside her, apparently unconcerned about the puddle’s impact on his already wet jeans.“Remember I told you my brother died?”
She nodded, afraid of derailing him with words or touch.
He rested his forearms on his knees, shoulders rigid, and stared down the steps.“I was there when it happened.We were bouldering in Joshua Tree, and…he slipped.”His face pinched and he rubbed his eyes.“I tried to redirect his fall to the mats, protect his head the way we’d learned to, but he fell badly and—” Ford’s voice cracked, and his head dropped forward.
Nat couldn’t hold out another second.She scooted over until their hips touched, and placed her hand on his thigh.
“I checked the weather and packed plenty of water.But I couldn’t get Con to wear a helmet.And I couldn’t get him to stop climbing too high.And it pissed me off because I’d gone with him so our mom wouldn’t worry about him out there alone, but he wouldn’t fucking listen.He thought it was funny, pushing every single button I had.Called me a nag, andGodhe wasn’t wrong, but he could be so impulsive, and I was sick of having to worry about him all the time, so I yelled that he was being an asshole and told him to come the fuck down.And he looked over his shoulder and started yelling back, but it threw off his balance…” A harsh breath heaved out of him, and he swallowed hard.
Fucking hell.“That must’ve been awful.”Jesus.No wonder he was a mess.A guy like him couldn’t help but blame himself.“I’m so sorry you went through that, and I’m sorry Connor died, but you have to know it’s not your fault.”
He scoffed.“I literally nagged him to death.”
Anger at whatever had made this amazing man think he was responsible foreveryoneroiled in her chest, but she tamped it down.“No.It was bad luck, Ford.”And some poor decisions on his brother’s part.“Connor was a grown-ass man, responsible for his own safety.You did the best you could, and he was lucky to have you with him.”
A long sigh shuddered out of him.“Rationally, I think I know that.Enough people—including my parents—have said so, but I still feel partly responsible.”
