He winced.
She continued, forcing out the words, building the wall between them that she needed to survive. “I appreciate everything you’ve done to help me. I owe you my life, and I’ll never be able to make it up to you. But if you care about me at all—”
“You know I do,” he said, sounding affronted.
“Then, shake my hand and say goodbye, because there’s too much crap going on for me to spend my energy on something that’s never going to happen.”
No matter how much she ached to reach for him, doing so would only prolong the inevitable, and she needed every ounce of brainpower to confront Megan’s threat.
Moving to stand before Todd, she etched the lines of his handsome face into memory, locking away every precious moment of their brief affair.
She held out her hand, hoping he wouldn’t notice how she trembled.
He rose slowly, his gaze never leaving hers, and gently pushed her arm down to her side. “No.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
“WHAT DO YOU mean ‘no’?” Lindsey asked, crossing her arms and taking a step back.
The conference room smelled like hot dust, new carpet, and stale coffee, and he wanted to sweep her up and take her back to the mountains where nothing came between them and everything made sense.
Where he could keep her safe, and make love to her under the stars.
“I meanno, I’ve realized I can’t make a clean break and walk away from you.”
“Todd.” Her face reddened. “Goddamn you. Nothing’s changed since last night, and it’s not fair for you to keep flip-flopping on me. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with it.”
“I’vechanged,” he said softly, hating that he was causing her distress. “I know it seems sudden. It sort of was, but also not.”
“I don’t understand.”
He started to reach for her, to soothe the confusion on her face, but forced his hands to his sides. He wouldn’t touch her until he was welcome.
Heart pounding, he cleared his throat. “I love you.”
Something like hope lit behind her eyes, but she backed away, shaking her head. “No, you don’t. Last night, you said—”
“Last night, I was a coward. Too scared to tell you how I really feel.”
“I thought you had no filter,” she shot back.
“Self-preservation makes a good muzzle. As does denial.” He wanted to pull Lindsey into his arms and never let her go.
He’d put it all out there, placed his heart in her hands, but his rejection the night before had damaged the tenuous trust they’d built. Of course it had. He’d been such a fucking fool. In trying to protect himself, he’d ended up hurting her.
Her lips pressed flat and she broke eye contact. “And how do I know you won’t change your mind again tomorrow?”
He should’ve seen that coming. “You don’t, but I’d like a chance to prove it.” Unable to help himself, he clasped her hands in his, and—thank God—she didn’t pull away. “Lindsey, I’ve never been in love with a woman before. All I knew was that if I let you in for the long haul and we couldn’t find a way to make it work, I’d be devastated.”
Buoyed by her softening expression, he kept going. “It was this morning, faced with the reality of never seeing you again, that I realized what a fucking fool I’d been.” He held her hands against his chest. Could she feel his heart racing? “I’d rather have you in my life in even the smallest of ways than not have you at all. I think I know the truest part of you, but I want to know more.Everything. No one can guarantee the future, but I want to be with you now. As much as possible. Will you give us that chance?”
“I don’t know.” She bit her lower lip and took a deep breath. “I’ve never been the risk taker that you are. Kind of the opposite actually.”
He shook his head impatiently. “That’s bullshit. You risked your life to escape from the kidnappers, and again to save me from JJ and Harris, and to go back for Megan when you could’ve let the police handle it. You put your life on the line for me during the shootout at the compound… hell, you took a chance by trusting me to keep you safe from the very beginning. That’s who you really are when the chips are down, Linds.”
Her eyes widened, but she shook her head. “You’re glamorizing it. I had no choice. I hope I never have to do anything like that again.”
“You always have a choice,” he said. “And I hope I don’t have to face anything like that again too. Whatever you might think, it’s not my idea of fun.”
