“You didn’t want me before.”
All the air left him in a rush. He gaped for a moment. “Evan,I’vealwayswanted you.”
The boy shook his head. “You gave me to Mommy. She said you didn’t want to see me anymore.”
What the everloving fuck? “Oh, no, Evan. She waswrong.” Jeff was going to wear his molars to the nub if he didn’t calm down. Goddamned Bridget. How could she? “Maybe that’s what she believed, but she was wrong.” He didn’t want to paint her as a liar. After all, the kid hadworshipped her. “Iloveyou. I’ve always wanted to be your dad.”
“But you didn’t come to see me.”
Christ. “I tried, peanut. I came to your house, but you and your mom had moved. I didn’t know where you went, and I’ve been looking for you ever since. I even hired someone to help me find you.” He was practically begging for his son to believe him. Did that make him sound more or less sincereto a four-year-old?
Evan thrust his stubborn chin into the air and pressed his lips into a thin line. He met Jeff’s gaze, his stubby little fingers gripping the toy dog’s fur. “You looked for me?” he whispered.
Jeff scooted closer. “For such a long time. I was scared I’d never get to see you again.”
“How long?”
“Since you were three.”
Evan’s eyes widened. “Really?”
Jeff nodded. “I’msorry I missed your birthday. I would’ve been there if I’d known where you were.” His throat turned painfully tight. During the last four months, he’d somehow kept the fear and anguish bottled up, but now he was on emotional overload.
“I missed you, but Mommy said Roy was my new daddy.”
That fucking bitch. Jeff forced himself to take a deep breath and relax his muscles. His son needed someonecalm in his life. Stable.
“He was nice to me until I broke his favorite coffee cup. Then Mommy left and he started yelling all the time. And then he wanted to hurt me.”
So much for calm. Jeff couldn’t stop reliving the terror and helplessness of knowing that Roy had taken Evan hostage. At gunpoint.
“I didn’t mean to make him mad, Daddy.”
Jeff’s chest cracked open. “Hey.” He waited forhis son to look at him and then smoothed Evan’s hair out of his eyes. “I have something really important to tell you, okay?”
Evan nodded, all serious.
“This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Roy was mad at your mom, but she wasn’t there, so he got angry at you instead.” Jeff hugged him close. “He shouldn’t have done that, Evan. Don’t ever think this is your fault.”
“I miss Mommy.”Evan sobbed into Jeff’s neck.
Shit. “I know, buddy.” Jeff’s eyes burned at the boy’s heartbreak. “I’m so sorry. She would be here with you if she could.” At least that much was true. Bridget hadn’t been a great mother, but shehadloved her child in her own horrible way.
“Will she come back?” Evan’s voice shook.
Jeff’s heart turned to lead, his throat so tight he could hardly breathe. “No,baby. She can’t.”
Evan turned his face away, shaking with sobs. The clock slowed to a crawl as Evan’s world crumbled, and Jeff held on tight, unable to do anything to make it better. He thought he’d felt helpless before? He’d known nothing compared to the futile desire to bring back someone from the dead just to ease his child’s pain.
Too much pain for such a little body.
Jeff was so farout of his depth he was drowning. He stroked Evan’s hair and just sat with him. Beneath his hands, Evan was warm, alive, on his way back to being whole. Jeff would do whatever it took to keep him that way.
After a couple of minutes, the sobs subsided and Evan groggily mumbled, “Daddy? Will you stay?”
The tension slid from Jeff’s shoulders and he rested his chin on the guardrail with a sigh.“I’m not going anywhere, Ev.”
