It was just as sordid as it sounded. And yet, if she were a man—with the exception of the pedophile part—she’d be labeled a stud or a player rather than vilified. Worst case, she’d be called a fuckboy.
Goddamned double standard.The “studs” had to have sex with someone.
There should be no shame in it for either party.
For Tara, those encounters had hurt so much because she wasn’t just in it for sex or fun. Okay, yes, absolutely that too, but more than anything, she’d wanted to feel loved. Sexual conquests had been a form of validation. Instant proof that she was desirable and worthy. Getting that feeling—being ableto fool herself—even for a few hours had been better than nothing. Or so she’d felt at the time.
Not that she’d given any of this conscious thought back then. Ultimately, she’d used all those guys as much as they’d used her, but the difference was that the men had gotten exactly what they’d wanted.
Tara had always hoped for more.
One therapist she’d gone to had told her that her “love language”was touch. Sex had been a way to get the physical contact that she craved, that made her feel loved, but the way she’d gone about getting it had pretty much guaranteed the relationships would be short-lived.
She had finally moved on from that self-destructive behavior, but her past would always be there, attached like an invisible tail. Today, it was swinging around to slap her in the face.
Raising her chin, she crossed her arms and faced Jeff. Fuck him if he thought less of her. “I hooked up with quite a few men back then. Most of whom I probably wouldn’t recognize now if they stopped me on the street.”
Jeff kept his face carefully neutral. “Okay.”
Okay?Yeah, right. What did he really think?
She shouldn’t care. They’d shared one erotic-as-hell kiss, which he probably had nodesire to repeat, whereas she’d been ready for him to take her right there on the sofa.Stupid.
“That’s it?” she couldn’t stop herself from asking. So much for not caring what he thought. “‘Okay?’”
Some emotion flickered in his golden brown eyes but was quickly banked. “What do you want from me, Tara?” he asked without heat. He put his hands on his hips, looking down his perfectly straightnose at her. “Anger? Disgust? Absolution?” He let his gaze caress the length of her body. “An offer?”
She inhaled sharply as her stomach twirled. Whatdidshe want?
The reckless part of her had wanted any reaction that showed she mattered to him, even a little. She wantedhim.But not like this, not now.
“You threw your past down like some kind of gauntlet, but I don’t have to take it up.”His voice softened. “Your history and who you choose to sleep with are none of my business or anyone else’s. No one deserves to be judged for that. Even in their own mind.”
She looked away, unable to bear the understanding and sympathy in his eyes.
“You don’t have to consider your history a mistake, not even with the tattooed guy, since you had no way of knowing what he was. But if you do,you can’t possibly think you’re the only one with regrets.” He touched her shoulder and she stared at the buttons on his waffle-knit henley.
“You realize that I had the bad judgment to date Bridget for severalmonths,” he continued.
That he’d stayed with Bridget, tried to have a real relationship, already made him a thousand times better than any of the men Tara had been with.
“I forgaveher little lies for far too long, but finally broke things off before my last deployment. I didn’t even know she’d been pregnant until she asked me to sign the Acknowledgment of Paternity so my name could be on the birth certificate.”
He sighed and Tara finally looked up at the dark stubble lining his sharp jaw as he stared over her head. “I’m not sure she ever would have told me if she hadn’trealized how expensive health care was going to be. Since I was active duty and he was my kid, he qualified for care as my dependent.”
Jeff lowered his gaze to hers. “At least she didn’t want me to marry her. As much as I’d love to live with Evan,thatwould have been a disaster. I separated from the Air Force when my commitment ended the following year, and moved back to Colorado to start school.”He ran a hand through his hair. “The GI Bill covered my expenses and I got to see Evan on the weekends. Not ideal, but I planned to sue for at least partial custody once I graduated and had a decent job.”
He shook his head and scowled. “I never should have waited, but everything was fine until last summer. Bridget had grown serious with some guy soon after we broke up, and they moved to NorthCarolina for his job in October. Without a formal custody agreement, a parent has the legal right to move out of state with their child. There was nothing I could do.”
Well, shit. Tara had made stupid choices. Her time with Colin had ultimately ended okay, but it had been a close and awful thing. Unlike Jeff, though, she had no one to blame for her past but herself. “I’m sorry.”
“Not as sorryas I am. I was stupid enough to trust her again. After confirming my plans with her via email, I flew out to visit Evan in November, but the address she gave me was wrong. And Bridget had no other family I could contact to figure out where they’d gone. I think she may have been dodging creditors, but I honestly have no clue.”
“Damn.” Tara stood and lightly squeezed his biceps. He’d trusted thewrong person. Just like her, he understood the sting of betrayal by someone you’d known intimately. “I hope you find Evan soon.”
He ran a hand through his hair and lowered his head, letting her witness a rare unguarded flash of sadness. “Me too.”
Her heart ached as they stood in silence for several breaths. “You said you went back to school,” she said, hoping to distract him from his worries,just as he’d helped distract her from her shame. “What was your major?
