“It had been so long since a man gave us any attention, showed us any love. Even when Rose and Mike’s dad was around, he treated us more like goldfish than children, making sure our basic needs weremet, but otherwise ignoring us. I thought Gary was amazing. He could eat whatever he wanted, drive wherever he wanted. He could afford to fly from California to see us. I’d never even been out of Colorado Springs.
“On the third day, he bought us swimsuits and took us to play in the hotel pool. I had taken swim lessons as a kid, but Rose and Mike had never been in water deeper than a bathtub,so they stayed in the shallow end splashing around.”
Caitlyn’s jaw hardened and she looked toward the window as if she could see through the closed shutters. “I loved being underwater. Until I started flying, that insulated, muffled, weightless world became my favorite escape.”
He knew exactly what she meant. Swimming had kept him sane over the years.
Blowing out a harsh breath, she said, “Iwas supposed to be helping watch my sister and brother, but I was doing handstands and swimming along the bottom of the pool like a shark, oblivious, having the time of my life. When I came up for air, Rose was nowhere in sight. She and Mike had been cannonballing into the pool but she jumped in too close to the deep end and the water was over her head. She panicked and flailed, even though sheprobably could have walked to shallower water.”
“I remember that awful feeling from combat driver training,” Kurt said. “It’s bad enough when you’re prepared for it. I can’t imagine going through it as a kid. What happened?”
“Gary was reading a book on a lounge chair, but when Mike started screaming he jumped in and dragged Rose to the shallow end. Thank God she wasn’t under long enough to passout or anything, just to swallow some water and freak out, but it changed everything.” She fell silent, seemingly lost in her thoughts.
“How so?”
“Well, the fire department and police responded, they called Child Protective Services, who took us away for a week, placing each of us in different foster homes. The investigators finally gave us back, but Rose and Mike were traumatized, and I knewI could have prevented all of it if I’d just paid attention like Gary asked me to.”
Kurt shook his head, but she pressed on.
“I found out years later that he was a registered sex offender and CPS had gotten involved because my mom knew about it and left us with him anyway. But it sounds worse than it was. He’d been caught having sex with his seventeen-year-old girlfriend when he was eighteen.They were both seniors in high school, but her father flipped out and pressed for statutory rape.”
“That’s harsh. Seems like a stupid way to potentially ruin someone’s life.”
“Yeah.” She bit her lip and stared at her toes. “I think we were all ruined in our own ways. Rose never went in the water again. She wouldn’t even come to my swim meets. Hell, she lives on an island now, but still won’tget within twenty yards of the ocean.” She grimaced. “My reaction was just as bad.” She briefly closed her eyes and let out a long breath. “I backed away completely. Up until that point, Rose and I had been pretty close, but the whole experience scared me half to death. I felt guilty for letting her almost drown and for bringing CPS down on our family’s head. She was a constant reminder of my failure.And initially, I think she blamed me too.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” Kurt said. “You were just a kid.”
Caitlyn toyed with the edge of her shirt and shrugged off his words. “I also realized how much I cared about her, how much it would hurt if something happened to her—the same way it hurt when our dads left—and I… I tried to stop caring.” A tear slipped down Caitlyn’s cheek, the dim light sparklingin its wake. “I started high school two weeks later, and I used every excuse I could find not to spend time with her. Homework, new friends, sports, clubs. Why would a freshman want to hang out with a sixth-grader anyway, right? She pulled back too, stopped seeking me out to talk or play. By the time I left for basic, we hardly knew each other.”
“I’m sorry,” Kurt said. Rose wasn’t the only oneshe’d kept arm’s length. Even as much as Caitlyn had let down her guard with him and Terrell, she’d held part of herself back.
“When she came to Barbados,” Caitlyn said, “things were better. We both made more of an effort, but she was as skittish as I was. Probably because she could sense I wasn’t willing to go all in.” Caitlyn pressed her palms to her eyes. “What if I’ve lost her, Kurt? Howwill I ever forgive myself?”
There were no words, so he held out his hand.
