She swallowed hard. “Besides, there are very few people I trust in this world, and you’re still one of them.”
“Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about you.”
The air rushed from her lungs. Wow, directhit. But then, she deserved it, didn’t she? “I’m sorry for how I treated you.”
He twiddled a pencil between two fingers, but his eyes never left her face. “I get deciding you’re not ready for a serious relationship, especially with a guy who’s staring down nearly two years of training. And I know all we did was kiss before I left, but after two years of being friends, it felt significant. Likethe start of something. I spun foolish, elaborate fantasies around you while I was gone, and you were back at Tinker fucking other men.”
Her cheeks flamed. The urge to defend herself rose hot and eager as lava in a volcano, but she tamped it down. No matter how much it hurt him, she’d rather he believed the lie.
“Atanypoint during the ten weeks I was at Indoc,” he said, his voice unexpectedlysoft, “you could have told me you didn’t plan to wait around.”
That hadn’t been her plan at all, but telling him so would only confuse things. “I didn’t want to distract you, but I know I could have handled it better. I’m sorry.”
His mouth twisted.
Did he want her to be more contrite? More apologetic? There was no point. She couldn’t change what she’d done. He’d either get past it or not.
“Why did you even kiss me then?”
Her stomach dipped. Kissing him had been like sipping champagne. Delicious and sparkling and fun, and so, so hard to stop. She looked down at her hands intertwined in her lap.
Something had changed in her that night. They’d been waiting outside after dinner at a popular Mexican restaurant in Oklahoma City while Terrell used the restroom. Kurt had leaned againsthis battered Explorer, hands in his shorts pockets, looking hotter than ever after all the workouts he’d done to prep for PJ training. And it hit her.
He was leaving.
She’d kept him at arm’s length for the two years since he’d joined their maintenance crew, initially because she was dating Aaron, a cop on base, and later because they were coworkers. And, ultimately, because he was the kind ofman she could fall for too easily. Smart, fun, handsome, honorable to a fault, and sexy as hell. But Caitlyn hadn’t wanted to fall. Not ever again.
She would not be her mother, who repeatedly gave away her heart, gave away her power to men, and received nothing but misery in return. Caitlyn would no longer allow herself to be that emotionally vulnerable.
But that night, she’d wanted a tasteof Kurt, of what she was missing out on. A little piece of him to carry with her when he was gone.
“I don’t know,” she finally said, because how did you ever explain the magnetic draw of another person? And why you would run from it. “You were leaving and I wanted to know what it would be like.” Could she come up with a more pathetic answer? When it came down to it, she’d been selfish.
His lipscurled. “Not good enough, apparently.”
God, that he could doubt his appeal. “You’re a great kisser.” In fact, part of her wouldn’t mind a repeat right now. “I just can’t do long term, and I sensed that you wanted more.” That wasn’t entirely untrue. “I wasn’t ready for that. I’ll probably never be ready. I’m sorry I didn’t handle it better.”
“Me too.” Kurt sighed and gave a slight head shake.“This is ridiculous. It’s been twelve years. I should be able to move past something that happened when I was twenty-fucking-two years old.”
She scoffed. “If you learn how, let me know.”
His eyes narrowed at her slip.
Rushing in before he could question her, she said, “I’m not asking you to forgive me, just to give me a chance now.” She stared at her hands. The cold weather and artificial heathad already dried her cuticles and caused a hangnail.
“Because you need a fake fiancé.”
“Yes.” She took a deep breath and bit her lip. “But also because I’ve missed you.”
He scoffed. “You don’t have to lay it on so thick.”
Of course he thought she was trying to manipulate him. In all fairness, she was. But not just to save Rose. Time had given her perspective. She could see now how much she’dhurt them both. To protect herself, she’d hurt him instead.
Deep down, maybe that was why she hadn’t considered any alternatives to this plan. Because she finally had an excuse to meet with him face to face and work things out.
Bracing her hands on her knees, she leaned forward. “If you really can’t do this for me, I’ll suck it up and say we broke things off. It was selfish to think I couldwaltz in here and ask this of you.” She sat back. “But either way, I’d like to try to be friends again.”
“Why?” he asked, the bafflement in his voice tugging at her heart.
