She continues to chuckle as she leads me through the same door Dr. Ball exited through. “How long have you been a nurse, Laura?”
“Longer than you’ve been a hockey player.”
For some reason her seemingly neutral comment comes out as an insult, but I find myself smiling. She leads me down corridors, until I’m uncertain if she’s leading me in circles or not.Eventually, she stops in front of a large wooden door, turns to me and says, “She’s not going to look like herself. If at any time you feel faint or unwell, just know it’s a perfectly normal reaction to seeing a loved one hurt.”
Scowling, I nod, motioning for her to get on with it as I mutter, “I got it. Let’s go.”
Laura gives me a stern look then sighs, pushes the door open and steps to the side to allow me access. I walk in fully intent on marching right up to her bedside, but all it takes is one look for my steps to falter along with the stutter of my heart.
Because she doesn’t look like herself.
And I feel faint.
I turn wide eyes to Laura, who’s watching me with concern. I attempt to give her a reassuring smile, but it must not meet my eyes because Laura is across the room in a flash, dragging a chair closer to the bed then grabbing my arm and leading me to it.
I fall into it, mortified that this is my reaction to my wife being hurt, but also completely incapable of faking any kind of bravado or false machismo. “I’m sorry,” I murmur, leaning back in the chair with a long sigh. “I truly didn’t think…”
“It’s okay,” she interjects quietly. “No one truly knows how hard it is until they live it for themselves.”
“Yeah, I absolutely was not prepared.”
‘You can talk to her,” Laura responds. “Hold her hand, let her know you’re here.”
“Will she wake up soon?”
“She should, but she has been through an ordeal, so if it takes a bit more time, it’s not unusual.”
I’m starting to feel better, so I shift forward in the chair, reach for Cassidy’s hand. I look to Laura who’s standing at the end of the bed, watching me closely. “You feel better?”
I nod, adjusting my grip on Cassidy’s hand so I’m holding on tightly. “Yes. Thank you.”
“Someone will let you know when her room is ready,” Laura replies, already headed toward the door, and then she disappears through it without further comment.
I look back at Cassidy, still looking so small in the hospital bed. I’m grateful she has no big tubes attached to her, having a difficult enough time with all the wires and bells and whistles. Click. Beep. Tick.
I’m not sure how long I sit there, holding her hand. After a while she starts to stir, first as if she’s dreaming and then as if she’s trying to force herself out of the dream.
A nurse enters, so I release Cassidy’s hand, scooting back out of the way. She checks the monitors then watches Cassidy for a moment before leaning close to her and whispering, “Cassidy? My name is Kellie, can you look at me?”
Cassidy frowns, moves her head away slightly. Kellie smiles then says, “Just need you to open your eyes for a moment, and then I’ll leave you alone.”
Cassidy slowly opens one eye, then the other, earning a wider smile from Kellie as she asks, “Are you in pain?”
Cassidy shakes her head then closes her eyes, turns her face away. Kellie presses some buttons on the monitor then turns to me. “She may be a little woozy, but she’ll come around quickly now. If you need anything, press the call button. I’ll check back in a bit.”
“Okay, thank you,” I respond. She gives me a small smile then quietly exits, closing the door behind her.
I stand, taking her hand once more and leaning over her slightly, my other hand braced on the bed above her head. “Cass,” I whisper. “Can you hear me?’
Her brow furrows, her face turning toward me. Her hand squeezes mine and I squeeze back, suddenly desperate for her eyes to open, for her to see me. “You’re going to be okay, babe. You can wake up now.”
Her eyes flutter, then, slowly, they open. She stares blindly ahead at first, blinking vacantly. “Cass,” I murmur, shifting around so I half sit on the bed, my hand moving to the mattress on the other side of her, putting myself directly in her line of sight.
She blinks a few more times before focusing on my face, her lips curving up slightly in recognition, and I find myself once again choked with emotion. Her free hand lifts, beckoning me closer, so I slide my hand out, bracing myself as I lean in, pressing my forehead lightly against the top of her chest, right below her shoulder.
“I was so scared,” I confess, my words a rough whisper. “I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life, and the fucking fear…” I let my words drift off, knowing I don’t need to explain further.
Her fingers tangle in my hair, her nails scraping along my scalp before she presses her palm against the back of my skull. I sink a bit closer, careful not to put any pressure on her abdomen, sigh deeply as her hand releases mine and her arm moves around me, so she’s hugging me to her chest.
