In the past, I would’ve walked the aisles and just enjoyed the silence. I think that's what I enjoyed most about the shop—the peacefulness it offered. Big Top was always so fucking loud all the time, and between the customers with all the kids, the games, and the music, it was nice to just have a moment to breathe and exist without my senses being overwhelmed. “Such a relief from reality,” I whispered as my fingertips glided along the spines of the books. My eyes scanned over the shelves and landed on a section of old, leather-bound books. The cases in the back of the store seemed to house collectible editions of classic novels and vintage books. The heavy smell of their old paper had a musky, earth-like scent that was always so oddly calming. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, savoring the smells that wrapped around me, locking the memory of them in my nose with the hope I could keep them there for just a second longer.
If only I had gotten a job here instead, at least then I’d look forward to working.
I opened my eyes and stared at the reflection of myself in the framed mirror hung on the back wall. Despite the painted smile and gleeful expression I wore, you could tell I was anything but happy. And seeing the truth so blatantly before me only saddened me more.
“I really am pathetic, aren’t I?” I looked down at the rat in my pocket. “If only there was a way to fix all the shit in my life. If only I weren’t a weak, friendless freak in a clown costume.” I sighed. “If only.”
A loud thud behind me made me jump and caused my heart to race. I spun around and noticed a book on the floor.
Umm…that wasn’t there before. Did someone drop it? Or knock it over?
I looked around the aisle, but no one could be seen. “Hello?” There was no answer. “Why am I not surprised? I bet this old place is haunted or something.” I stared down at the lone book on the floor. “No. Don’t pick up the book Crissa,” I whispered to myself. “I’ve seen enough horror movies, I’mnottrusting a fucking book. No way.” I turned around to walk away, but my feet refused to move.
Don’t do it.
A tingling sensation tapped along my spine and I shivered.
Don’t do it. Just walk away, Crissa. Walk away.
I looked back down at the book, still on the floor. It felt as though something from within it was reaching out and begging me to welcome it into my life. It needed me. And for some reason, I felt as though I needed it too.
Leaving the book on the floor would be wild…there’s obviously a reason it fell.
I stared down at the old, worn, brown leather book. “It needs me…” I bent down and gripped the heavy book, wrapping my fingers around its edges as I held it in my hands. Something about it felt wrong, but also so,soright. My fingers smoothed over the pebbled leather cover, admiring the texture as I took in the warm brown color. “So beautiful,” I quietly breathed. For a split second, the color reminded me of Montey’s eyes and I found myself smiling. “No.” I shook that thought from my head as quickly as possible. “I don’t want to think of him…not now.”
My eyes wandered over the book, curious as to what it was. There was no title on the cover, no price tag or bar code, and no author embossed in the leather. There was only a small, single spot on the shelves that it could’ve fallen from. “So strange.” I carefully flipped through the pages. The typical old book smell was there, but inside the bound cover, there were no words or pictures. Just blank pages. “Huh.” I slammed the book shut, figuring it was just an unused journal or something. I stood and gently returned the book back to its place before my feet carried me back down the aisle towards the front of the store. I immediately halted when I heard another heavy thud. “No way,” I whispered. I slowly turned around to see the same book from before back on the floor. A shiver climbed up my spine as I approached the fallen book. With each step I took, I felt drawn to it…like a magnet, I was pulled towards it, my thoughts consumed with nothing more than the very idea of picking it up and holding it within my palms. It didn’t matter what happened, there was no stopping me from picking it up again.
It…needs…me.
As my fingertips pressed against the leather cover, I suddenly found myself standing at the front register. “Did you find everything okay?” The clerk behind the counter reached across to take the book. As soon as he touched it, I felt a sudden wave of possessiveness come over me. He tugged at the book within my grasp before I finally released it. There was a void in my chest all of a sudden. “Ma’am?”
No reply left my mouth. I only nodded my head and kept my eyes fixated on the book as he examined it closely. My breaths were labored and heavy as he rolled the book around in his wrinkled hands. The clerk picked up the phone next to him and pushed a button. “Hey, can you come to the register? I need a price check. Yeah…thanks.” He hung up the phone and looked at me. “It will be just a second.” The man offered me a casual smile, but all I could do was imagine how his face would look if I peeled the corners of his mouth back and stretched them over his ears…I could even use a pencil from behind the counter and carve him a pretty little Glasgow smile.
Wait. What the fuck? Why would I even think that?
I tried to shake the insane, gruesome thoughts from my mind. But as soon as he set the book back down, I reached over to touch it, as if putting my hand on it was a necessity. And as soon as my skin touched the leather, instant relief flooded over me. I felt myself smile.
The clerk gave me a once-over, looking me up and down. It was the usual scrutinizing that came my way when I strolled around in my costume. I rolled my eyes and tried to focus on the book. “So…you work over at Big Top, huh?”
My eyes raised and I furrowed my brows. “No, I just felt like dressing like a depressed clown for shits and giggles.” I grimaced and glared up at him. The clerk just stared at me, unamused by my smart remark. So I tugged at the corner of my mouth with my finger and forced my smile wider. The man made a face as I scoffed and released my mouth.
An unknown elderly woman from the back walked up and joined the store clerk. She looked down over the brim of her glasses at the book on the counter and then over to me with a smile. “Is that what you needed the price on, honey?”
I nodded.
The woman took the book from the counter and I immediately felt a heavy loss. Just the image of her touching the book made me nauseous. “Interesting,” she whispered. “There isn’t a price tag on it anywhere. I don’t even see a code for me to look it up in our system.” She continued to examine the book, flipping through the blank pages while shaking her head. “It doesn’t look familiar to me at all.” Her eyes returned to me. “Are you sure you found it here?”
I nodded again, staring at the book within her clutch. My heart slowly began to race from some unknown anxiety.
The woman searched a few things in their inventory system while mumbling to herself, but no matter how much she looked, she continuously came up with nothing. “It’s the darndest thing…hmm. I’ll tell you what—” She removed her glasses and gently placed the book against the counter, keeping her hands along the cover. “Since it doesn’t seem to be in our system, and I can’t find any record of it, why don’t you just take it? It’s not like an old, blank journal really has any value, so I’m not worried about losing a profit over it.” Despite her warm smile, I felt almost insulted by her words. “Here.” She slid the book across the counter to me.
As I reached for the old book, I felt the same warm relief from before wash over me again. “Are you sure?”
The woman’s smile grew, becoming almost unnatural as she watched me take the book into my grasp. “Absolutely.” An eerie vibe overcame me as I clung it close to my beating chest. I quickly thanked the old woman and clerk before exiting the bookstore.
“Well that was fucking weird,” I said to myself. I looked down at the book in my hands. A distant ringing pierced my ears as I felt my presence and existence loop down a winding rabbit hole. Sounds and images of blurred colors and faces swept past me as if I was watching life both in slow motion and sped up. But the one thing that remained solid and planted through all of it was the old book.
It…needs…me.
