She’d slowly been getting to the point in her head where she believed she might trust Buck with her heart, and now…? With her ill-timed words, she’d clearly jumped the gun. Buck looked expectant, and excited, like he was anticipating a declaration. But she just wasn’t ready.
“Listen.”
They both said it at the same time, then gave twin, uncomfortable laughs.
“You go,” Buck told Bobbie.
“No. You,” Bobbie prompted back.
Buck sucked in a deep breath. “Okay. Fine. I won’t lie. You caught me off guard, but what you said to Tex made me extremely happy. I instantly pictured us with a white picket fence, and a brood of kids, all looking like you.”
“Just looking like me?” Bobbie snorted. “We have the same coloring, you know.”
“Umm, okay.” Buck looked even more hopeful at her spontaneous reply.
Dammit.She’d done it again. Voiced her thoughts without considering the implications. And now, it seemed she’d be fucking Buck up even more.
Shit.
It was time for her to come clean. Orcleaneras to where her head was at.
Bobbie had told Buck just a few days ago that she wasn’t ready to commit to loving anyone, but the compass needle had been slowly changing since then, and she was a lot closer to thinking it might actually work; her loving him.
Letting Buck know her updated timetable might make him feel alittlebetter, even though she wasn’t quite ready to say the “L” word yet.
“Fine. My turn to talk,” she told him, pulling all her determination to the forefront. “Here it is in a nutshell. I agreed with Tex because…I’m pretty sure I’m moving in that direction with you, Buck.”
He looked like someone had just handed him the key to the entire firmament.
She hated to wipe the blooming smile off his face, but she wasn’t about to lead him on with promises of something immediate that she might not be able to keep. The next thing she had to say would certainly harsh his buzz.
“However, I’m not at the point yet where I want to hand you, or anybody else, my heart on a platter. I’m…waiting.” This was the difficult part, and she let the broken questions that lay within her, see daylight. “What am I waiting for? I’m not sure. And I’m sorry for that. But I feel like I’ll know it when it hits me.Ifit hits me. And you will definitely be the first to know, when that epiphany comes.”
Buck sobered, but he didn’t flinch away as Bobbie leaned in and placed her cheek against his chest to continue.
“You mean more to me than anyone in my life, Buck. Well, at least since I was little and my mother was still acting like a mother,” she sighed. “But…” Could she go on? Her throat closed up, and she couldn’t quite get the words out.
“But it still hurts that she left you,” Buck interjected knowingly, stroking her back. “She walked out and you were unprotected. At the mercy of your brothers who’ve never shown you a single ounce of love,” Buck grunted. “I understand, Bobbie. I do. It’s almost impossible, after what you’ve been through, to give anyone power to inflict more wounds. Which I did, inadvertently, when all that shit went down fifteen years ago. But I’m not that person. I never was. That was a lie your brothers told. I never hurt you, Bobbie. Believe me, I never will. I only want you to be happy.”
He wound up to speak again before she could form a coherent sentence after his initial spew of sincerity.
“Whetheryousay the words or not, know this from me. I love you, and I willalwayslove you. And giving you that, saying it to you, fills me with so much pleasure, it’s more than enough. Which means you don’t ever have to feel like you need to say it back. I would never force you into declaring something you’re not ready for.”
Bobbie felt like weeping.
Buck was so freaking understanding. He was everything she remembered as a teen, and more. If this were fifteen years ago, she wouldn’t have hesitated to say the words back to him. She’d only held off back then because the foolish boy he’d been had wanted to wait before getting serious.
She should have said it, though, and then she should have trusted him that he hadn’t screwed her over. She should have known that her brothers were the ones spewing vitriol, not Buck.
Her voice, when she found it, emerged raspily. “I’m getting there, Buck. Really, I am. I…hope I’ve shown you with myactions, how much you mean to me. So, if it takes me a little longer before I can actually…commit, bear with me. Please.”
“For as long as it takes.” Buck picked up her hand and kissed her palm. “I’m not going anywhere.”
His stomach chose that moment to growl.
Loudly.
They both laughed, the tension broken for the moment.
