“I don’t have to justify this to you!” I snap. “Maybe I trust him for the same reasons I trusted you after the first day I met you. Maybe because I have good instincts, and I’ve seen enoughpeople who don’t give a shit about what I want that I can recognize when somebody actually does.”
Brinley’s lips part, but she doesn’t say anything. Cat and Pippa just stare at me like they’re mildly shellshocked, and I realize that I haven’t been exactly quiet. I just yelled a defense of my contract husband in the middle of the Copper Cup, at two in the afternoon on a Saturday.
“I’m sorry,” Brinley murmurs. “I was way too harsh. I had an argument with someone this morning, and I was in a bad mood and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have pushed.”
“No,” I say stiffly. “You shouldn’t have.”
“I’m just worried that I’m the only person looking out for you here, because I know your dad isn’t. You’ve been put in a legally vulnerable position, one that could put you in danger if James had ill intentions. Maybe you trust him, but I don’t, not yet. I want to get there, I do, it’s just—I want better for you than…than this.”
“Well, I chose this,” I snap. “I chosehim.You can either be happy for me, or I can walk out the door and we’ll never have this conversation again.”
“Then I pick being happy for you,” she says. “Unless he does something that hurts you. Then I demand your permission to talk all the shit I want about him.”
“He won’t,” I say firmly.
“I hope you’re right.” She sighs. “Maybe I’m just disillusioned about men in general. It seems like they’re only good for one thing—and I’m not convinced they’re better at that than my vibrator.”
My lips quirk into a smile, and the other girls laugh, breaking the tension.
“It’s nice to give my vibrator a break for a bit,” I say. “Since it was myonlypartner for way too long.”
“It deserves a good retirement party,” Cat suggests. “Maybe we could throw it one. I can get a card for us all to sign.”
“What do you think it’ll do with its free time now? Take up golf?” Brinley says thoughtfully.
“I wouldn’t get rid of it just yet,” Pippa says. “Husbands and vibrators can play very well together.”
“TMI,” Brinley and I say in unison.
“If you ask me, that was just enough tea,” Cat says. “I told you I wasn’t a prude!”
The conversation quickly devolves into a discussion about vibrators, and how old we were when we were brave enough to buy one for ourselves. Brinley chimes in less than she usually does, seemingly deep in thought. I wonder if she feels guilty about pushing me, or if she’s trying to come up with ways to convince me that she’s right.
If I’m honest with myself, a lot of what she said made sense. The contract could have gone wrong if James wasn’t as respectful or decent as he is, and the lawyers who helped me review it were looking out for my financial security, not my personal safety. I’m lucky, really, that she cares so much about me.
That doesn’t mean I want to defend my marriage every time I see her. And despite her promises, I have a feeling this won’t be the last time she objects to me and James.
14
MAURA
Negative.
My eyes burn. When I try to swallow down the tears before they form, my throat goes tight. For the first time, it feels right that I’m surrounded by gray. The slate-gray tile and dove-gray walls of my bathroom perfectly match my mood as I stare down at the pregnancy test.
The first month has gone, and I’ve failed.
I lean back against the counter and close my fingers around the edge, digging my fingertips into the sharp line., trying to ground myself.
I knew that getting pregnant might take time. Even when both parties are perfectly healthy, the odds are only around 25 percent. James and I did everything we could, but there was no magic wand to wave. We’ll try again in a few weeks.
It’s just hard to swallow the bitter unfairness of it all. A few more months of trying would be easier to face if my time wasn’t already limited. The reality that I don’t have years to waste feels sharp.
I drop the test in the trash can. I’ll take another one tomorrow, just to confirm it’s not a false negative, but I’m not hopeful. Better to just face the reality.
Pulling out my phone, I shoot a quick text to my husband.
Maura
