With a nod, I close the bedroom door. That’s enough. For tonight, that’s all I need.
Joey
Sinking into the hot water and bubbles, I refuse to look down at my naked skin. I should be braver. Ford loves me the way I am, but despite what I told Ivy and Mia, despite knowing I want to be with Ford for the rest of my life, I still see myself as that broken, scarred, damaged woman who never fully escaped a twenty-year-old nightmare.
Under the thick layer of bubbles, I slide my hands down over my breasts. My nipples send little zings of pleasure down to my core, and I jerk, splashing a few drops of water over the side of the tub.
As I move lower, close to my mound, the still-unfamiliar warmth gathers inside me. When I felt the rush of wetness between my thighs last night, I wanted to cry. I never thought I’d ever be able to be aroused again.
“I’m not broken.” I try the words, seeing how they feel rolling off my tongue. Not right. But also not wrong. Maybe…maybe broken isn’t the worst thing a person can be.
“You have to realize you’re worthy of love, Joey.” My very first therapist tried to drill that into me, over and over again. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t reach out to the man I had planned to marry. Every time she told me I still deserved to be loved, I’d show her my arms. The cuts…some smooth and thin, others deeper, thicker, almost jagged…that marked me as ugly. That forced me to hide who I really was. Who I’d become.
Swirling one finger between my lower lips, I let my eyes drift closed. I’m wet for him, and he’s not even in the room. He’ll kiss me tonight, and we’ll open that new box of condoms. And maybe I’ll work up the courage to ask him to put the ring back on my finger, and I’ll find another piece of me I thought had been lost forever.
Ford
Joey emerges from the bedroom, her hair damp, dressed in black yoga pants and a green t-shirt. Other than fresh bandages, her feet are bare, and some of the lines of strain I thought might be permanent have faded from around her eyes and lips.
“That smells amazing. What is it?”
Taking a quick peek in the small toaster oven, I shake my head. “It’s a secret. For another twenty minutes. But I have something for you to do in the meantime.”
“What?” Her smile almost feels easy, unforced, like she’s actually happy. But I don’t know this new Joey well enough to be sure. Not yet.
Holding out my hand, I lead her over to the small couch. “I need to clean up while dinner’s cooking. And I thought that would give you a few minutes to talk to your family.”
From the side of the couch, I pull out a laptop, open it, and bring up the secured video chat window. Joey lets out a sob and throws her arms around me. We stay locked together until she takes a deep, shuddering breath, and then pulls back. “Thank you. It’s really safe?”
Sliding my fingers into her hair, I brush my lips to hers. “It’s safe. This is Wren’s encrypted connection. Nothing can break through. Don’t tell them what city you’re in, but the country’s fine. And you can tell them you’ll be back in Boston in a couple of days. Or…if you want me to arrange for a flight to San Diego for you instead, I can do that.”
My heart bangs against my ribs like it’s about to explode. I didn’t think until now that she might want to go back to San Diego. For a visit…or for good.
“If…I wanted to go to California…would you…go with me?” If I weren’t looking right at her, I wouldn’t have heard her. Uncertainty swims in her eyes, and she dashes away the last remaining tear as she straightens her shoulders, almost like she’s steeling herself for the answer.
“I’ll go anywhere with you. All you have to do is ask.”
She nods, twines our fingers, and brings our joined hands to her heart. “I love you, Ford. Right now, I just want to go home with you.”
Rising, I kiss her knuckles before letting her go. “As you wish.”
19
Joey
Mom and Gerry hold on to one another and cry as I tell them I’m okay, that I was taken because of my medical knowledge. That no one violated me, that other than some bruises, I’m fine.
“You look…different,” Gerry says as she sends Mom away for the last couple minutes of the call. “Not that you’ve come home all that often, but…”
I shoot her a look—the one that says “stop mothering me and just be my friend”—and glance back at the closed bedroom door.
“I was so stupid, Gerry.” Tugging on the chain around my neck, I pull out the ring and turn it over in my palm. “I let Ford think it was all his fault for twenty years. When really, I never wanted to admit the truth.”
“Which is…?”
“I was ashamed. I lost myself. And once I was lost, I couldn’t find my way back.” The urge to use my fingernail to trace a hard line down my inner arm prickles over my skin, but I repeat the mantra my therapist gave me years ago. Let yourself feel. “There’s so much I never told you and Mom. Most of it…isn’t important. Details I don’t want to relive. But some of the rest of it… Maybe you could come visit in a month or two? I don’t know where I’ll be…where I’ll be living…but we’ll figure it out. I don’t want to hide anymore.”
Gerry’s focus shifts to something over my shoulder, and I tense until Ford clears his throat, then once I meet his gaze, heads for the kitchen. Something in his eyes worries me. Like he’s closed himself off from me, and I almost get up before I remember Gerry’s still on screen, staring at me.
