I turned as the defendant loped his way to the front. He was in his late seventies with thinning grey hair. Folds of skin down his neck made him look like a hungry chicken.
“Hiya hot stuff,” he whispered in my ear as he sat down at the table Clark had vacated. A large olive trench coat encased Monroe’s skinny body, and furry brown slippers with beaver heads covered his feet. Maybe he and the judge would get along fine.
I lifted an eyebrow and opened his file to read the charges while the judge did the same thing. I tried not to giggle as I read about the charge and the rather hilarious witness statements. Most of them were in support of the guy and asked that he not be charged. I glanced at Monroe. “Do you have an attorney?”
“Don’t need one.” He grinned.
It was his choice. “You were arrested for indecent exposure at the Elk’s Lodge during bingo?”
“Yep.” His chicken neck bobbed up and down. “I wanted to give them Lady Elks something to talk about. You know, not many of them are getting any now.” His small brown eyes gleamed with conviction.
“Is this your first offense?” I whispered back.
“Offense?” His voice rose. “Are you kidding? I gave them a freakin’ gift.” He leaned toward me, across the aisle, and lowered his voice. “I got me some of them blue pills, and boy do they work.”
Oh God.
The judge cleared his throat. “Alberto, is there a plea offer from the state?”
I didn’t have time for this. “The state offers two months’ probation conditioned upon Mr. Monroe keeping his clothes on from now on.”
“Two months?” Charles jumped to his feet before I could respond. “Those old birds should be paying me for the show. Two months? No freakin’ way.”
The judge gave me a firm nod. “Alberto, please control your client.”
“He’s not my client, Judge. I’m the prosecution.” I stood to my feet and leaned toward Charles. “Um, probation is not a big deal. You won’t have to do anything.”
He turned sharp eyes on me. “Maybe you don’t understand what I’m saying! I have blue and white pills. I’m the Beast—it’s all about Beast now. Let me show you.” He reached down and unbuckled the coat, shucking it to the ground. He was suddenly and completely naked.
The Beast? I yelped in surprise at the sight of his shriveled wanker, sunken chest, and bony knees. His skin was as close to waxy chalk as I’d ever seen. I never wanted to get old. Ever. The courtroom erupted into surprised gasps and some laughter as Charles jumped across the aisle and up onto the prosecution table. He turned toward the crowd, shaking his floppy penis and singing, “Lookie here, praise the blue pill, lookie here…”
The judge pounded his gavel on the desk.
I leaned down and grabbed the fallen trench coat before holding it up to Charles and averting my eyes. “Put this back on,” I hissed as the bailiff reached for him from the other side of the table. Charles jumped down to my empty chair, grabbed my shoulder, levered himself to the ground, and quickly dodged behind me. He sure was spry for an old guy.
The bailiff rounded the table and reached over my shoulder to grab at Charles, who used me as a shield. His gnarled hands dug into my shoulders.Please, God, don’t let his penis touch my funeral suit. I’d have to burn it.
With a happy yelp, Charles leapt over the short wooden divider between the gallery and my table. He quickly jumped up and ran along the empty front pew. He stopped for a moment and wiggled his skinny butt my way, treating the gallery to his waving Johnson. The uniform cop sitting in the back stood and stalked down the aisle. The bailiff ran into the row. Between them, they tried to herd Charles toward the aisle. He reached the end of the pew, and the bailiff had him until Charles kicked out and knocked the bailiff into the cop.
With a howl, Charles jumped back over the divider and rammed into me.
My hip slammed against the wooden table, and my skirt snagged on the worn ledge. “The Beast? Is that a pill?” I gasped. How did the old guy know about the illegal drug?
“Yeah, baby.” Charles scaled up to the tabletop again. He did his earlier dance, this time singing that they couldn’t catch the magic penis.
Darn it, my leg would bruise from that. “Tell me about Beast.”
“Got it from a friend because friends are friends forever and also have blue pills,” Charles sang loudly.
What the heck? My adrenaline pumped faster. Was Beast on the streets? “Who is your friend?”
“Can’t tell ya.”
“Enough!” I yelled at Charles and lifted his coat to him. His fuzzy slippers grinned evilly from the table. With a growl, the bailiff made a leap for Charles, who tried to scramble away, but his legs tangled in the coat. His arms windmilled around, and he fell onto me. My face bounced off the edge of the table, and sharp pain lanced through my cheek. I hit the ground, and the wind burst from my lungs. The old naked guy landed atop me, his skinny arms and legs flying in different directions. His coat rested between his penis and my suit, thank goodness.
Charles grabbed my white blouse. A tearing sound filled the air as it ripped down the middle. The bailiff hauled him off me. Then I was free. The bailiff threw the coat over Charles and gave him a good shake. The cop reached two hands under my armpits and lifted me to my feet. I tried to regain my balance only to discover that I’d lost a shoe.
“I’m Bud,” he said in a deep growl as he waited for me to let go of his arms. “Detective Pierce has me on you during work hours.”
