A man that she could easily love.
Chapter 16
Devin’s cock was as hard as before, because he had just beheld something miraculous. The sight of Constance bringing herself to the heights of ecstasy was more arousing than if she’d had her lovely lips wrapped around his member.
As Constance began to breathe normally, Devin reluctantly released her and stepped back. He donned a pair of trousers before he tried to coerce her into doing something more, something she would resent him for.
After days without hardly even seeing her beautiful face, no doubt this hadn’t been her plan when she’d dared to enter his chamber that evening. He knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t be very pleased if she succumbed to her base desires when she wasn’t the one initiating the affair. As a former courtesan she likely wasn’t used to trusting people, especially men. He knew the moment he’d stood in the shadows and watched her defend herself against a cretin like Granelli that it wouldn’t be easy to win her affections, but beneath that hard exterior, inside still beat the tender, emotional heart of a woman. It had been injured and abused over the years, but he vowed that he would be the one to mend it back together. If nothing else, he owed his unending devotion to her for saving his life. She may not have been the one to stitch his wound, but it was the faithful care she’d shown him that he’d managed to survive.
Granted, he’d made a mistake in earning her regard when he’d cast out that accusation regarding her acquaintance with Sir Isaacson, but he intended to atone for his sins. Already, the gown he’d procured for the metamorphosis ball sat in the back of his wardrobe, along with the personal invitation that Lady Blessington had sent along. He’d been surprised when a messenger had arrived from the countess while Constance had been out. He was confident that Constance hadn’t told the lady of their relationship, and yet, he had the feeling she had guessed it all the same, and that she was accepting his suit on her behalf.
It gave him hope that there was someone he might be able to appeal to if Constance remained determined to push him away.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
Her quiet words shot through Devin’s heart because they told him she was already regretting what they had done. Or rather, what they hadn’t done, as other than holding her when she’d let herself go, he hadn’t touched her. He decided to remind her of that fact. “There’s nothing to regret, because nothing happened.”
She turned to him and the moisture he saw in her haunting, green eyes cut him even deeper. “Don’t you see that I can’t control myself around you?”
“Is that so terrible?” He kept his tone gentle and empathetic.
She didn’t even hesitate. “Yes. Because not only are you younger than me, but our past history is too complicated to build anything more than a brief affair, and I promised myself that I wouldn’t become a fallen woman again.” She pressed a fist against her chest, directly over her heart. “I can’t be your mistress, or any other man’s.”
He considered what she was saying. “So, you’ll live the rest of your life alone?”
“Yes.” She spoke hastily, and then a slight furrow formed between her brows. “No.” She put a hand to her forehead. “I don’t know. See? I can’t even think properly around you.”
“I think the problem is you’re thinking too much.”
She sobered. “It’s what has kept me alive. I have to consider the next prospect ahead if I want to ensure I have a roof over my head and a decent meal.”
“Didn’t your last protector ensure that you didn’t have to worry about that any longer?” he pointed out. “You can still be independent without losing yourself in the process, Constance.”
“But that’s the problem,” she said. “I’ve pretended to be someone else for so long, that I don’t really even know who I am.”
“There’s time to figure that out.” He swallowed thickly and dared to add, “Together.”
Constance held the tears at bay, but just barely. She yearned to throw herself into Devin’s arms and agree to everything that he was promising her. While it wasn’t anything more than his friendship, it was still too dangerous to traverse that path. She’d been let down too many times in the past to rely on anyone but herself. Even Bull, the most loyal companion that she had ever had, knew her limits and didn’t dare to cross those boundaries.
But the man standing before her didn’t see those invisible lines. She wasn’t even sure he would heed them if they were drawn out before him.
“I’m not seeing anyone else.”
Her glance flicked back to him.
“The only woman I want is you.”
Her chest ached and she knew she had to leave or else crumble before him, and she wasn’t ready for that. In truth, she might never be able to completely break down the wall she’d built around herself. “I’m relieved to hear I don’t have to worry about more unnecessary gossip.” Or competition.
This time when she moved to go, he didn’t stop her, and for that, she was grateful. At least he knew when she needed some time to herself to reflect.
Entering her chamber, Constance paused in the middle of the room, and then she made a decision and walked toward her desk. She sat down and picked up her quill, opened the pot of ink and withdrew a blank sheet of vellum.
For several minutes, the pen remained poised above the paper. She wasn’t even sure how to start this sort of inquiry, or even if she was prepared to do so, although she knew it needed to be done. If not, then she truly couldn’t move on with the rest of her life.
Not until she knew if her mother was still alive or not.
While she could likely pay a visit to the former residence that they had shared all those years ago, she wanted to know what had happened to her mother before she traversed that dreaded path into the past. She was resilient about many things, but going back to that place, to where her life had changed irrevocably, wasn’t something she was particularly thrilled about doing.
