She was also ill from guilt, as well as heartache.
She was so deeply in love with him, but she kept secrets. Maybe she would have confessed the truth to him or even shared her emotions. The closest that he had come to admitting any emotion for her was when he proclaimed that she had made him a better man and that he would miss her, and that he had come to Wyndview Farm because of Trade Wynd but had discovered someone he deeply cared about, a friend that he hadn’t known he needed.
Not a love, but a friend and lover.
There had been so many opportunities to tell Sterling the truth, but the fear of what his reaction would be was too frightening tocontemplate. She had argued with herself these past weeks that he was more understanding now than he had been when he arrived and maybe if she explained the difficulties she had faced, and her father, that he would accept that she had needed to take over the duties of the estate manager, but the risk of losing everything kept her from confessing.
Now, it was likely too late.
Exhaustion eventually took over, but that did not stop her from dreaming—nightmares mostly of her fears visited and her world crumbled and by the time she finally rose from her bed, she was more exhausted than when she had fallen asleep.
So much had been neglected since Sterling arrived and during the harvest that she could not put those concerns off for another day, so she dressed and made her way to her father’s small office and made a list of everything she needed to accomplish. But, as she was writing, she remembered that a list had already been prepared and she had tucked it away in the office that Sterling used when he had returned and she had been afraid of being caught.
Had he found it? If he had, did he assume that she had only written from her father’s instructions?
Caroline’s stomach tightened.
She did not want him to leave hating her. Had he remained the unpleasant Earl of Wyndham whom she would not have associated with, Caroline’s conscience likely would not have suffered because of her duplicity, but that had not been the case, and she feared that she would be left with second-guessing her decisions in the days to come.
Chapter Forty-Two
The days hadbeen enjoyable, even when his body ached while he cut and stomped grapes and when he lost sleep so that he could be alone with Caroline.
Today, he woke up with a heavy heart. His time at Wyndview Farm would soon come to an end. There were only two things left to do. The first, and his reason for coming here in the first place, was the long-awaited meeting with Hallaway. The second, he needed to tell Caroline that he had fallen in love with her and that he did not want to live without her in his life then ask her to marry him.
What if she declined his request?
What if she did not love him as he loved her?
She had been clear that they would be lovers and that she would not be a mistress, but certainly, her emotions had grown just as his.
But, what if they hadn’t?
That was his biggest fear and why he had said nothing these past few months because he did not want what was left of his time at Wyndview Farm to be ruined with heartache and rejection.
He had been a coward, and still was, and willingly admitted to that fact, but now was the time, whether she accepted him or not.
Sterling had never been afraid of anything in his life until now.
He had also never been in love.
“You seem troubled this morning, Sterling,” his mother greeted him when he joined her to break their fast. “I thought your moodwould be excellent now that the harvest is done and you can put your mind to the reason you came here to begin with.”
Did he confide in her?
He had come to understand his mother more. They talked each evening over dinner and helistened, for a change. Except he had never really confided in anyone something so personal and was not comfortable even telling his mother.
“I do have an appointment to meet with Hallaway,” he answered.
“Is that what disturbs you?” she asked with a frown.
“No,” he answered. “I am certain that now that his mind is off grapes and wine, he will be able to answer the other questions.”
He filled his cup with tea and looked over the various breakfast dishes that had been prepared, not truly hungry. There was too much on his mind. It wasn’t the estate. It was Caroline and the fear of rejection.
“What is on your mind, dear?” his mother asked softly.
“I am thinking about what needs to be done. What I need to do next.”
