Lucian picked up his cup and took a sip and studied her over the rim. How could she even come to such a conclusion? She had certainly feared him last night.
“He sends letters and when he has been in the house, it was when I was away or when I slept, and he did nothing. He even watches from afar. He does not have the confidence to approach nor do I expect that he ever will. Therefore, I am no longer going to cower or let fear rule my life. I will not hide away afraid of my own shadow.”
It was a brave speech, and Lucian wasn’t certain if Eliza was trying to convince herself to believe it.
He had also hoped that she would realize how vulnerable she was so that she would no longer argue about remaining in the house or on the terrace.
“Whether you think you are in danger or not, you will always have a guard if I cannot be with you.”
Eliza frowned as she drew in a deep breath. “While I appreciate your concern, Lord Garretson, it is I who will decide what is best and safest for me.”
Bloody hell, she was stubborn and foolish.
Yet, as brave as Eliza was trying to be, he noted some fear lingered in her eyes.
Why didn’t she just allow him to protect her? Why did she insist on relying only on herself?
He answered his own question immediately—because she had always had to. Whether it started before she was sent off to school or not, she was very much alone from the age of thirteen through eighteen because her parents simply forgot her and her brothers rarely visited.
She did not know how to count on anyone and maybe she feared doing so. She wouldn’t be disappointed if she didn’t rely on anyone but herself.
A protective urge rose from deep within and Lucian wanted to pull Eliza into his arms and promise that she could always count on him and that he would not forget her, ever. He also knew that even if he did that, she would not believe him. Only when he proved himself would she trust. Lucian just didn’t know how long that would take and how often they would argue before she realized that she did not need to be so alone.
Eliza thankedLucian for his concern then excused herself before making her way to the parlor where she planned on spending the day working on her novel.
The first thing she did when she entered was open all the drapes to let the sunlight in and the windows for fresh air. She was determined to get over her fear.
At least Lucian had not laughed at her, for which she was grateful, but she was just as certain he saw her as vulnerable and weak, which she hated.
Eliza had always kept people at a distance mainly to avoid being hurt.
It was not something that she had been consciously aware of until nearly five years ago. It had come about in a conversation with her dearest friends. She had formed a bond with Rosemary Fairview and Lady Sophia Trent when she had first arrived at the Wiggons’ School for Elegant Young Ladies. During that first year, she’d been well behaved and attended to her studies. Then her parents forgot to bring her home for holidays from school and Eliza was stuck there with only Mrs. Wiggons and Rosemary. Eventually Rosemary and Eliza enjoyed those holidays in the home of Sophia.
The difference between Eliza and Rosemary was that Rosemary’s parents hadn’t forgotten her, they simply traveled far and wide. And even though Rosemary rarely saw them, letters and packages were received nearly every week. As for Eliza, she sometimes received a missive from her mother with an apology that she had forgotten to make arrangements to collect her and then would list excuses for why she was so busy, which was making certain her brothers were well situated for taking a wife, or seeing to their education, or simply being in Society because when one had an heir and a spare it was quite time consuming.
In any situation it hurt to be rejected, but when a parent simply forgot, that was more painful than anything a person should endure. That is when she started acting out, or at least trying to be so much of a nuisance that Mrs. Wiggons would finally send her home, but it never came to be.
Eliza would never understand why she got away with so much, except perhaps Mrs. Wiggons knew that Eliza would likely be ignored at home as well, so she might as well be in a place where she had friends and could get an education.
Regardless of her intentions, Eliza learned at a young age that there were five people that she could count on completely. The first being Mrs. Wiggons, who may as well have been her mother for those five years. The others were Rosemary and Sophia, and later Olivia and Victoria Westbrook. None of them would ever let her down, or hurt her, or forget her existence and they certainly wouldn’t reject her.
And, because Eliza never wanted to relive that pain again, she avoided courtships and came to rely on herself. She did not need to be married to be happy or even content and did quite well alone. This stranger who was sending missives was simply a minor distraction and she came to the realization while preparing for the day that whoever he was would never approach her or he would have already done so.
There were only a few things her life lacked and that was passion and intimacy—something she intended to rectify. Just because she would not allow anyone close enough to hurt her or put herself in a position to be disappointed did not mean she could not take a lover. Gentlemen did so all the time without emotional involvement so shouldn’t a woman be able to do so as well? It wasn’t as if she were an innocent miss during her first Season and believing in love ever after. Eliza only wanted a lover.
If she attempted to seduce Lucian, would he allow her to do so, or would he reject her?
It was something she would need to think on, but for today, she was going to be brave and not allow some stranger who liked to write letters keep her inside, and with that thought, Eliza set her pencil aside, rose from her desk, and marched to the library where Lucian was working.
“I would like to visit the cemetery.”
He glanced up from the ledger he was writing in. “I can assure you that there is no mummy in the cemetery.”
“Yet you admitted that nobody has bothered to look.”
He blew out a sigh and leaned back in his chair before rubbing his eyes.
Lucian was going to deny her and just hadn’t uttered the words.
