“Yes, but as a gentleman you can do nearly anything you wish without censure, women are not afforded the same latitude.”
In that, she was correct.
“I had hoped to have a friend, someone in my home where I could be free with my words and do as I wish without judgement. Someone to share a game of chess, quiet dinners, cards, or a discussion. I suppose it wasn’t just a lover I sought, but a companion.”
Octavia was lonely. She hid herself from her family and Society and simply wished to be free of the confines of her station in life.
“But friends only,” she quickly added. “Any stronger emotional attachment was forbidden. Not that I anticipated love, but it would have been a rule too. I will not wed again, and the emotion is wasted if not shared with another. A dear friend, however, is someone everyone should have.”
Angelo grinned. “I have only had one rule.”
“What is that?” she asked.
“It is also no emotional attachment, or words of love. What would send me away the quickest are manipulative tears. As soon as a woman has mentioned she has developed a tendre I lose all interest.”
“That is a promise that I could have easily made. I did not want love, nor infatuation. I am not even certain that I am capable of such emotion any longer. I simply wanted a lover and friend.”
“Someone in whom you could give your complete trust,” he said, longing for the same. He did have Shrewsbury, but Angelo did not confide everything in his cousin and kept much to himself.
“You must think I am pathetic.” Octavia glanced away. “I had not even realized what I hoped would come from having a lover. A lover is easy, but a friend is not.”
“Far from pathetic, Octavia.” He felt those words to the depths of his soul. “If we were all as honest with ourselves, we want the same.”
“Do you know what I miss?”
He had no idea but needed to know.
“Being held. Nothing more, nothing less. Children are held when comforted, adults do not do so. We bury and hide what is inside, when what we need is arms about us and a chest or shoulder on which to rest our heads.”
“Instead, people take lovers, with a promise of no emotional attachment because it is easier.”
She smiled sadly and nodded.
“If we were to be lovers, would any rules remain in place?” He hoped she still wanted him.
“A few. Discretion being one.”
As he expected.
“It has always been the most important as I prefer my life to remain private and without speculation of the ton.”
“Newssheets?” he questioned. “If number one is not broken, the only gossip that may be printed is speculation on if you have found me a wife.”
“That gossip I do not mind as it is not harmful.”
“What other rule would you keep in place?”
“That I am the only one because I do not like sharing. Therefore, if you find yourself wanting another, then you shall end whatever it is we may be sharing.”
Despite wishing to embrace debauchery during this final Season, Angelo couldn’t imagine wanting anyone else. “I assume the same will be true if you find another you would prefer to be your lover?” The very idea of Octavia with someone else made his stomach tighten. He wanted to claim her for himself, and only him.
She chuckled. “There will be no other lovers,” she promised. “There is no one else who holds even the slightest of interest. Only you.”
His tension eased.
“It is not only lovers,” she added. “When you settle on a woman you wish to court, if we are still lovers, whatever we share shall cease.”
“A courtship is not a commitment,” he argued.
