An unsure smile flickers over my mouth. “We wouldn’t have been valedictorian and salutatorian, that’s for sure.”
My rivalry with Theo may have been my biggest motivator as a teenager. Everything changed after I left for college. Iwas alone, dropped into a world of options, trying to figure out my life in a strange city, surrounded by new people, and I couldn’t figure out how to keep myself motivated.
It started with blowing off a class here and there. An unfinished assignment. A missed meeting with my adviser. A skipped soccer practice. Staying in bed was so much easier. So much less mental work. I didn’t have to see my teammates playing betterthan me or other students making higher grades. If I stayed in bed, no one was beating me because I wasn’t in the race.
If I quit trying, there’s no risk of losing.
“Sometimes I wonder if it’s the only thing that kept me on track back then,” Theo admits softly. His mind seems far away as he stares out the dark window behind me. “It’s no secret that was a hard time. Ifelt like I was walking around in a dark shadow most of the time. My anger was festering beneath my skin and making everything hurt.”
I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them, at a loss for words.
Emotion coats his voice as he continues, “But when you were there—urging me to keep going, pushing me to do better, giving me shit—I felt... like I could take a deep breath. Like my chest wasn’t so cold. Ihad a goal and something to work toward.”
I blink back the burn behind my eyes. He seemed so distant during freshman year—he’d pushed all his other friends away and folded in on himself. It was heartbreaking to watch, but I had no idea how to change it. His trauma was so much bigger than anything I knew how to fix.
As I watch him across the heavy silence between us, my mind slips back to the first week of freshman year. Dad had given us a ride home from school, and since Ms. Nikolaou had moved down the road from us that summer, Theo and Mia were in the minivan too.
Millie had promised to make snickerdoodle cookies, and everyone had dashed into the house to await them, leaving Theo and me outside alone. We hadn’t said a word to each other since they’d gotten back from Oregon a week ago, but when he turned to walk home instead of coming inside, I broke our silence.
“Wanna come in?” I’d asked tentatively.
With his back to me, he’d frozen in place, shoulders tense. He had changed over the summer—he was taller, broader, and more muscular than when he’d left, like the weight of his world had grown heavier, and he had to adapt to carry it. Six months ago, we’d been laughing together about Tessa’s first boyfriend and making fun of her for spending hours on the phone with him, and now Theo had a girlfriend, who Mia reported was calling every night.
The friendship we’d built seemed like it belonged to different people.
Several long heartbeats passed before he replied. “I need to get started on that English assignment. You heard Mrs. Stephens—it’s going to count for fifty percent of our grade this semester.”
“You mean the project that isn’t due until November?” I forced a bitter laugh. “Are you sure you’re not just running home to call yourgirlfriend?”
He finally turned to look back, his dark eyes sharp as they narrowed on me. “Maybe you should worry more about your grades and less about my love life.”
And then he stalked away, igniting something in me I didn’t recognize—the need to beat him at that project. To beat him at everything, just to prove he wasn’t right.
Layla sets her head on his lap, as if she can sense he needs it, and he slides his hand over her ears. “It may not have been the kind of relationship we had before, but maybe it was what I needed to keep me going. Ihad to rein in some of the anger if Iwanted a chance at beating you.”
My heart feels like a fist is wrapped around it, squeezing. “Imissed what we had, though. Imissed you.”
His face contorts in a deep frown. “I missed you, too, but I thought I deserved that after hurting you at the parade.”His throat bobs with a swallow. “Fabes, I... I’m sorry for what happened that day.”
“I was all right.” My lips curve in a sad smile. “Just took a trumpet to the head, but it wasn’t bad,” I add, trying to bring some lightness back into the conversation.
His hand glides over Layla’s head slowly. “I’m still sorry.”
I nudge his toes with mine under the blanket. “Theo, you’re already forgiven.”
A deep breath rattles out of him. “Thank you,” he whispers. “And thank you for being there for Mia when I couldn’t. Iappreciate that more than I could ever explain. You and I may not have been friends anymore, but you put twice as much friendship into her. She needed that.”
A tear threatens to slip past my lashes, and I blink it away. “Idon’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit for the role you played in helping her.”
Through Mia, I’ve been lucky enough to see their friendship change and develop through all that life has thrown at them. And even when he was struggling, Theo always put her first. From little things like letting her choose the movie they’d watch or giving up the last slice of brownie, to big things like shifting his whole life to care for their grandparents so she didn’t have to shift hers.
He’s a caregiver. A protector.
Everything his father wasn’t.
There’s a distant look in his eyes. “I didn’t... Ishould’ve done better.”
“You were going through your own awful experience too. She doesn’t blame you for any of it.”
