This is the reality we’ve chosen.
Finally, with a deep sigh, she steps toward me and slides her arms around my waist.
Her sweet, citrusy scent envelops me, and an anvil drops into my chest.
She’s leaving.
Lena’s shoulders hitch as she sucks in a breath, and I wrap my arms around her, encasing her in the safest place in the world. Exactly where she belongs.
But she’s leaving.
My emotions thrash in my chest as I raise my hands to slip my fingers through the ends of her hair.
“It’s going to be okay,” I whisper, even though it’s not.
She’s leavingand taking my heart with her.
My heart was tiny and cold after so many people took pieces of it with them. My mom, my grandmother, my foster families. I’ve given bits away my entire life and never gotten them back.
The only difference here is that I saw this coming. From the moment her lips touched mine, I knew it would be like this. My heart would be hers forever, but she would be leaving with it.
Cupping her cheeks, I tilt her face up until I can see her red-rimmed eyes and perfect lips.
Stay with me. Figure it out with me. Be mine somehow.
But I’ve begged people to stay before. Tear-stained and hiccuping, I screamed for my mom to stay. Thrashing in the arms of a social worker, I sobbed for my grandmother to stay.
It did nothing.
People who want to leave will leave. I’ve learned that lesson my whole life.
So instead, I press a kiss to her forehead and whisper, “Please be careful. You’re precious cargo.”
Then I release her. I let her go.
And as she pulls out of the driveway, I stand at the end of it, watching her taillights disappear around the corner as the first hot tear plunges down my cold cheek.
33
LENA
My hands tremble on the steering wheel as I turn onto the highway leading me toward Juniper.
I should’ve ripped my heart out and thrown it at his feet. That might have been easier than this. Then at least I wouldn’t be able to feel this pulled muscle burning in my chest. It’s a sharp pain that I can’t identify, but itaches.
Tears blur my vision as I drive into the sunset, passing cozy homes where families and friends are gathered for the evening.
I should be doing that. I should be with my family, eating that lemon pie Gavin made me and listening to the sound of my niece and nephew’s laughter.
A shaky breath rattles in my chest as I try to inhale around a sob.
Fuck, this hurts.
My body is a tug-of-war rope right now. One side is yanking me home to Wilhelmina, toward the people who make up my everyday life. The ones who cheer for me when I need it and relax with me after a long day. To my honorary nieces who say they want to be like me when they grow up. The people who treat me like their best friend and an irreplaceable part of their lives.
But the opposite side is pulling me toward the other important people in my world a few miles back up the road. Mama and Luci and their unconditional love. My brother and Zara and their beautiful kids who I wish I could see more.
It’s home and family and the very things that make my soul happy.
