His eyes crinkle on the corners as he winces, reaching to pull my hat further down my ears. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Auggie wanted it to be this big Christmas reveal. It’s been eating me alive not to tell you.”
My head shakes. “I’m mad you didn’t.”
A long silence stretches between us before he says, “I guess I thought it wouldn’t affect you that much.”
As the words hit my heart, they sink their claws into the muscle fibers.
He’s right. This shouldn’t affect me. It has nothing to do with me.
It shouldn’t change anything.
The pain burns in my chest, and I force myself to suck in a deep breath.
My mind flashes with images of the future. Everyone here together, laughing as they clink glasses over weekly dinners. My family sprawled around the living room after a board game. Gavin and Mama cooking, music filling the kitchen.
Maybe this tugging in my heart is homesickness for something that doesn’t even exist yet.
Gavin continues, unaware of my panicked thoughts. “You have your life in Wilhelmina, so I didn’t think it would make a difference where I live. You have your friends and your job and—”
“I got fired.” The words explode out of me way louder than I intended, and the bubbling excitement beside us dies abruptly.
Gavin’s mouth is agape as he stares at me, confusion etched across his brows.
“You gotfired?” Mama squawks, turning me to face her with the stern expression I expected. “Lena, this is not okay. You need a job.”
“Iknowthat. Why do you think I didn’t tell you?” I meet my brother’s wide eyes over her shoulder.
My chest collapses as I realize I’ve succeeded in doing exactly what I was trying to avoid, and onChristmas Day,no less. I have stolen this celebratory moment and turned it into … this.
“I’m applying for jobs when I get home,” I tell them, crossing my arms over my red jacket in an attempt to conceal how raw my heart feels right now.
“What will you do until then?” Mama’s voice is sharp with concern.
“I don’t know. Use my savings?” I throw my hands into the air, my anger splashing to the surface.
She means well. I know her own life experiences have made her adamant that this is one of the most important things in the world for a woman, but it still stings for her to concentrate on that instead of wondering if I’m okay first.
“How much money do you have?” she asks, shaking her head.
I shift on my feet. “Enough. I’m not irresponsible. I prepared for things like this the best I could, putting money into savings every month.”
Her lips are a thin line of disappointment that I can’t look away from. “But what will you do—”
Gavin’s hand settles on her shoulder, and her words pause. “I think we can let Lena talk about it when she’s ready.” His whiskey eyes meet mine, and I try to send him a silentthank you. “And I promised Shannon I would be there with pizza for lunch, so I need to get going.”
Mama’s hands wring in front of her as she assesses me. I feel like I’m being analyzed, every flaw appearing for her to see.
But I must be found worthy, because she gives a firm nod. “We should all go to Shannon’s. I want to bring her a gift and some of the pie we made yesterday.”
Without another word for me, she pulls Gavin back toward the house. Zara offers me a sympathetic smile and a kiss on the cheek as she passes.
Auggie loops an arm around my shoulders, and we all walk back to the house, the loaded silence punctuated by the sound of our boots crunching through the snow.
And I try not to focus on how it feels like an earthquake has just split my chest in two.
30
GAVIN
