“I’ll help in any way I can,” he responded, his voice gentle. “But maybe your sister is right. You might not like what you learn.”
“I already know that.” And then I added, “And I’m paying you your rate.”
“Nope,” he said. “I never charged Ali, and I’m not billing you.” Arabs always fought over who picked up the tab, a habit ingrained in us even though we were born in America.
“That’s not the same. Ali did the taxes for your law office,” I protested. “You exchanged professional services.” Nasser had a small legal practice. It was just him and two other attorneys.
Nasser held up a hand. “I’ll let you pay any fees associated with any of the filings. But that’s it.”
“All right,” I relented when I saw there was no arguing with him. “Let’s do it.”
“See?” Claudia said. “Doesn’t it feel good to be out walking in the fresh air?”
I strode beside my neighbor, an effusive person who finally succeeded in badgering me into resuming our morning walks.
At least someone was still reaching out to me, even if she wasn’t a close friend like Nicki and Rula, whose absence continued to hurt and make me feel even more alone. Especially after the phone call I’d had with Nicki a few days earlier.
“Why aren’t you in touch more often?” I asked when Nicki finally reached out.
“What do you mean?”
“I never hear from you anymore.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she responded, acting completely oblivious.
Deflated, I let it go. She obviously wasn’t up for an honest conversation. Death was an uncomfortable topic. Maybe Nicki and Rula kept their distance because they were afraid that my tragedy was contagious. Ali wasn’t the only person who’d abandoned me. But at least he had no choice.
As we circled the cul-de-sac, I had a new appreciation for Claudia. At least she showed up for me. And it did feel good to be outside moving my body again for the first time since the accident.
“I hope you understand my going for a walk is a day-to-day decision,” I said to her. “That’s the most I can commit to.”
“I’ll take it!” she said cheerfully. “How’s it been going? I feel like I never see you. I can imagine that losing Ali has been a lot.”
“More than you know.” I decided against telling her about the secret house. But she did live next door, and so, for her family’s safety, I felt obligated to tell her about the break-in.
She shivered. “You were in the house with the guy? How are you so calm? I’d be freaking out.”
“I’m freaking out on the inside.” I only had so much freak-out energy left. Between losing Ali, discovering the secret house, and worrying about the possibility of another break-in, I was running on emotional fumes.
“What are you going to do?” Claudia had young kids. “How can you sleep by yourself in that big house?”
“We put in a security system. I feel a lot safer now.” Not completely safe. But at least a little more secure.
“I don’t know how you do it.” We rounded a corner in the neighborhood. “You’re so strong.”
Little did she know. But I heard that a lot—how strong I’d been since Ali died. As if I had a choice. What was the alternative?
“You’re a much braver person than I am,” Claudia said as we picked up the pace. “If something happened to Matt, I think the kids and I would move in with my parents.”
“I considered staying elsewhere, but my life has been upended enough already.”
“Look.” Claudia pointed to a house near the entrance to our neighborhood. “The Khans sold their house.” We slowed down as we approached the “Under Contract” sign.
“I wonder where they’re going.” My first instinct was to text Ali to tell him and then ask how much he thought the house had sold for.
Sorrow bolted through me when I remembered that I couldn’t. Another moment of grief, like so many others, that struck when I least expected, when there was no way to brace for the onslaught. Longing throbbed in the deepest part of me, despite the doubts I had about my husband. Losing Ali was like losing an arm or a leg. You could live without it, but something critical would always be missing.
I yearned for our throwaway, inconsequential, everyday conversations. Just like I missed that sense of safety that left when Ali did. But maybe all of that, what I thought we had, was an illusion. That was the way my mind worked these days. Sometimes, I was absolutely convinced there was no way Ali cheated on me. But during darker moments, I wondered.
