I exhaled long and loud through my nostrils. “I hate the idea of this dragging on indefinitely. For me, obviously, but mostly for the kids.They’re so young. It’s not fair to lose your dad and then have to deal with all of this trauma on top of everything.”
“Kids are resilient,” he reassured me. “Or at least that’s what I’ve heard.”
“I worry they’ll be even more damaged by all of this.”
“You and Ali raised good, strong, resourceful kids. And they’ve got you looking after them.”
“At least they know the full truth about their dad.”
“You were right. Toward the end there, you were pretty convinced that Ali would never cheat on you.”
“Did you believe he would?”
He shrugged. “The circumstantial evidence didn’t appear to be in his favor.” He paused. “A man would have to be crazy to be unfaithful to you.”
I knew I couldn’t avoid the elephant in the room any longer. “Nasser—” I began.
“I’m here for you,” he said. “You know that, right?”
It wouldn’t be hard to fall into the same pattern with Nasser as I had with Ali. To allow a loving, protective male to care for me and make me feel safe again. Not too long ago, that was all I wanted. To feel like I had before, with Ali. But there was no going back.
“I don’t want to hurt you, but I do think we should take a little time apart.” I spoke as gently as I could. “It would be so easy for me to just let you take care of me.”
“Is that such a bad thing?” he asked with a sad smile. “Before you, I never wanted to be even partially responsible for someone else’s happiness.”
I crossed over to sit next to him on the sofa. “I need to know that I can be OK on my own. I went from Baba’s house to my husband’s house. In a way, I’ve never felt like a true grown-up.”
“Do any of us ever really feel like real adults? Sometimes I feel like a kid playacting the part of a big, important lawyer.”
“You are significant to me as my friend.” I reached for his hand. “The thing is, I haven’t properly mourned Ali yet. I’ve been so busy being angry and confused about how Lizzie fit into the picture. Now that I’ve proven that my life with Ali was real, I need to give myself time and space to grieve.”
“I can understand that.”
I stared at our clasped hands. “I need to figure out who I am on my own, to prove to myself that I can make it alone.”
“I respect that.” I registered the resignation in his tone. “I’ll still be around, if you want to call me in a few months.”
My first instinct was to reassure him. The wife and mother in me was so used to making sure everyone around me was OK. Sometimes at my own expense. But I still couldn’t envision myself with any other man, especially not Nasser. I associated him too closely with the person he could never compare to.
Besides, I had no idea who I would be once I sorted myself out. The role of wife and mother had been my core identity for most of my adult life. Who was I without a husband or children to look after? I was in no position to make any decisions until I figured that out.
Nasser laughed quietly to himself.
“What’s funny?” I asked.
“I think this is the first time I’ve been dumped by a woman,” he admitted. “I’m generally considered a catch. I’m not sure my ego can handle rejection.”
“Youarea catch,” I said. “I’m just not ready to cast my net for anyone yet.”
“Mom, don’t you think it’s a little cold to be hiking?” Ayla asked several weeks later when the kids were home for the weekend.
“I think Dad would say it’s never too cold to hike.” The brisk temperature definitely didn’t bother me. I was just happy to be fullyrecovered and able to exercise. I’d chosen a relatively easy trek not far from home, along the Appalachian Trail. Our first family hike without Ali felt like a tribute to him and the family we’d made together.
The irony was not lost on me. When Ali was alive, he used to force us out of bed for morning hikes. Now I was the one dragging the kids along. Reaching the observation point, the kids and I paused to appreciate the view beyond the mountain ridge overlooking wide swaths of farmland.Bintitrotted around exploring the rugged terrain.
Adam stared out at the golden-red morning sky. “If Dad were here, he’d say, ‘Look at that view. Is that beautiful or what?’”
I smiled. “That’s exactly what he would say.”
