‘She didn’t sleep much,’ Billie said. ‘So I didn’t either.’
‘Was she fussing?’
Billie shrugged. ‘She just kept waking up every time I put her down. Like she’d fall asleep in my arms. But as soon as I went to the cot, she’d wake up again.’
‘I didn’t hear her cry.’
‘I don’t know how anyone could have slept through it. But she was all right when I was holding her. I read this thing online, about trauma…’
Zoe sat down at the table. ‘What about it?’
‘That when the mum has trauma during her pregnancy, then the baby catches it. And then comes out all stressed.’
‘Hmm. I’m not sure it’s quite that simple, but there are some theories around that, yes. Plenty of research too. It’s not a stretch to say a stressful pregnancy seems to have some effects.’
‘So if she plays up all the time, that’s my fault.’
‘I wouldn’t say she’s playing up all the time. And even if she was, you shouldn’t be blaming yourself.’
‘Yeah, but who else can I blame?’
‘I don’t think blaming anyone is healthy. Life happens – it’s nobody’s fault. It wasn’t your fault Luis died. It wasn’t your fault you and your dad were forced to come back to England. It wasn’t your fault there were bumps in the road while you were pregnant. Things come to try us, as my nan used to say. You did your best with what you were given to deal with. You couldn’t have done anything else.’ Zoe looked at Billie’s baby. ‘She seems content enough now.’
‘Because I’m holding her.’
‘Want me to hold her while you get some breakfast? I’m guessing you haven’t eaten yet.’
‘Not yet. Thanks.’
Billie handed Louisa to Zoe and got up. Zoe’s gaze flitted between the two every now and then. Louisa was peaceful, staring up at her. Billie kept on looking their way as she made her toast. In fact, her gaze barely left them.
‘Are you still happy to go for our walk today?’ Zoe asked after a minute or so of silence.
‘I’m not sure. The weather doesn’t look good.’
‘It doesn’t now, but if it clears, we should be all right. We’ve got good boots and coats, and the pram has a cover.’
‘I’d rather not take her out in bad weather.’
‘Sooner or later, you’ll have to. As long as it’s not torrential, I think we should go. It’s not especially cold today.’
Billie looked unconvinced as she buttered her toast, but she nodded. She brought the plate to the table, wolfed her breakfast, and then took Louisa back.
‘I can keep her for a bit longer if you need five minutes to yourself,’ Zoe said. ‘Have a quick shower or whatever. She’s good as gold for now.’
‘It’s all right.’ Billie took Louisa to the door. ‘I don’t need a shower this morning. She can come upstairs with me.’
Zoe was thoughtful as she watched her go. She hoped Billie wouldn’t change her mind about going out, because she really felt it would do her some good.
Her gaze went to the window as she filled the kettle. At least the rain seemed to be easing.
Georgia arrived bang on time, but Billie wasn’t ready. Zoe had called up to her twice beforehand to see if she was close, if she needed a hand, and each time Billie had told her she didn’t need any help and she’d be ready, though she didn’t sound very enthusiastic about any of it. Zoe had started to feel as if she was nagging, but she was also of the opinion that if nagging was the only way to get this done, then she’d have to.
‘First thing, I thought we’d have to call it off.’ Georgia kissed Zoe briefly on the cheek before getting William out of his car seat and handing him to her. ‘Have a cuddle with Aunty Zoe while I get my coat off.’ She looked up at Zoe. ‘I’m assuming we’re not heading straight off?’
‘Not for a minute.’
‘Good, I’m sweating. I thought I needed a big coat, but it’s not that cold, is it? I suppose it’ll be windier out on the hills; I might be glad of the extra layer then, eh?’
