‘I think she would. I’d hate to hurt her feelings, but I need to make sure I’m doing the right thing. Sometimes she says things and even I don’t think they sound right. So then I go away and do it my way without telling her, but I don’t know if I’m right either. That’s why I was hoping to be able to ask you.’
Zoe was silent for a moment. She didn’t want to put Fern off, not now she’d plucked up the courage she’d so obviously needed to come. But what she’d said was true; professionally, seeing a patient ‘under the radar’ was a murky area. If anything went wrong, it could cause a whole heap of trouble for everyone.
‘Do you find it difficult at the commune to say what’s on your mind? I mean…’ Zoe paused. ‘Is there pressure?’
‘Pressure?’
‘Influence from others that you feel you can’t go against?’
‘No,’ Fern said. ‘Everyone is great!’
Zoe couldn’t decide whether Fern’s answer was a bit too enthusiastic, but she decided to let it drop for now. ‘All right,’ she said finally, knowing she’d regret the words before they were out but compelled to say them anyway. ‘Come to me when you feel you need the extra support and I’ll do what I can.’
Fern’s face transformed into a beaming smile. ‘Thank you!’
‘So,’ Zoe continued, ‘as you’re here now and I don’t have anyone to see for the next hour or so, is there anything you’d like to ask? Or is there something you’d like me to take a look at? I could do a quick examination now? Just to see how everything feels, make sure there are no red flags we might need to look into further.’
‘Yes please…’ Fern was doubtful again. ‘It won’t take too long, will it? Only people will start to notice I’ve been missing for a while…’
‘I’ll try to be quick. I’ll just listen to baby’s heart, make sure you’re progressing well…It won’t take long. We could really do with a scan, you know, but it would mean going to the maternity unit in?—’
‘I can’t do that,’ Fern said with an emphatic shake of her head. ‘The radiation…’
‘Ultrasound doesn’t actually use radiation,’ Zoe said. ‘It works on sound waves.’
‘Nothing should be looking inside you like that,’ Fern insisted. ‘I don’t mind you doing things here, but I won’t go to the maternity unit.’
‘Ah.’ Zoe wondered if this was more of Arwen’s wisdom. Baby steps, she reminded herself. Fern was here, and that was a start. They’d do the basics now, and she’d work on the other things as they went along.
‘Have you thought about the birth?’ she asked casually as she got out her blood pressure monitor.
‘Arwen says women’s bodies know what to do.’
‘And you’re happy with that?’
‘I don’t know. I mean, it must be true. Women had babies in caves.’
‘They did. They also used to eat their own relatives, so…’
Fern blinked, and Zoe could see the joke had gone right over her head. She tried a different tack. ‘Women have also been giving birth with the help of other women for thousands of years, once they worked out that it was better to have help and that sometimes their bodies, though they knew what to do, didn’t always play ball. There’s no weakness in having help.’
‘Arwen says she’ll be there to see me through it.’
‘That’s good. Just Arwen?’
‘Do I need anyone else?’
‘I don’t know. Depends how good she is and how straightforward the birth is. I’m not trying to worry you. How you give birth is your choice – as long as you stay within the law. Like I said, legally I can’t force you to be under my care, but I have a duty to make you aware of where you stand.’
‘I know,’ Fern said.
Zoe thought she didn’t know, not really. But if Zoe was asking the questions and prompting her to think about them, then that was good. Maybe Fern would decide to inform herself, and maybe she’d change her mind. Zoe had helped countless women who had wildly different ideas about how their pregnancy should progress and how they’d eventually give birth, but it was still crazy to her that a woman would choose to do it without the help of someone who knew what they were doing. Perhaps that was simply a point of professional pride, or perhaps it was because she was trained to deal with any emergency that might arise and understood the risks involved in going it alone.
One thing at a time, Zoe decided as she took Fern’s blood pressure. At least she was here now, and it was a good start.
Zoe was nervous. She and Alex had discussed more than once whether it was right to go behind Billie’s back like this, staging a social call that wasn’t just a social call. It almost felt as if they were trying to catch her out, and if she twigged, that might be the way she viewed it. Eventually, however, Alex had persuaded her that she wasn’t doing anything wrong, and that she only had Billie’s interests at heart. Besides, it was still a social call, even if it led to something more.
She was at the kitchen sink, half watching through the window as she washed some carrots for crudités, when Emilia and Georgia arrived.
