14
The lead-up to her dad’s wedding day might have given Zoe cause to expect grey skies and driving rain, but on the big morning the weather was fair, with blue skies and high, fleeting clouds. It was warmer than anyone could have predicted too, and perhaps that was a good sign. Zoe couldn’t be sure, but at least she wouldn’t have to do battle with an umbrella as she walked the path into the church.
Despite her conflicted emotions around the event, she was looking forward to seeing Chantal in her dress. Her soon-to-be-stepmum (a notion that Zoe still couldn’t get her head around and doubted she ever would) had given some clues, but it would still be a complete surprise. Zoe knew that the dress would be in traditional white, forgiving around the middle to allow for her growing baby, and very romantic because, Chantal, despite wanting to keep the surprise, hadn’t been able to resist giving some of it away. The problem was, everyone’s idea of romantic was different, so that clue really hadn’t helped Zoe at all.
The bridesmaids were to be in claret. Knowing the colour palette had at least helped Zoe to choose her own outfit, though she hadn’t been gifted a huge amount of time to shop for it. Atwo-piece skirt and jacket had arrived, mail order, a couple of days before – not a perfect fit, but at such short notice it would have to do.
‘It’s weird seeing you all formal like that.’ Alex walked into the bedroom as Zoe fastened an earring. ‘A bit discombobulating.’
‘A bit what?’
‘It’s thrown me. Like I’ve walked into a weird twilight zone version of my house and there’s a weird version of you in it. Not that I mind you being in it, of course,’ he added quickly. ‘I love that. I love looking at the dresser and seeing all your lotions and potions and knowing they’re there for good.’
Zoe had stopped listening after the comment about the weird version of her. Her forehead creased as she stared down at her suit. ‘Is it too stuffy? I thought it might be more suitable for a winter wedding than a floaty dress, but now…’
‘You look lovely. I’m just not used to seeing you…’ He gave a lame shrug. ‘You know. Oh God. I’ve dug myself into a right hole here, haven’t I?’
‘I look like I’m about to take a letter to the managing director, don’t I?’ Zoe’s frown deepened. ‘Go on – you can say it. I had my doubts when it arrived, but I thought it would do. Now I don’t think I like it at all.’
‘Don’t get stressed!’
‘I’m not stressed,’ Zoe replied, her gaze going to the mirror, every second liking what she saw less and less.
Alex came over to kiss her. ‘I think a little bit. I used the wrong word. I didn’t mean formal like stiff. I meant…hmm…’ He studied her, and a quiet smile crept across his face. ‘You remind me of a teacher I once had. A posh teacher.’
‘Oh great!’ Zoe threw her hands into the air. ‘Even better!’
‘I was about to say, if you’d let me, that I actually quite fancied this particular teacher. In fact, she may have been my awakening, if you know what I?—’
‘OK!’ Zoe didn’t know whether to scowl or laugh, and so her face, almost impossibly, did both. ‘I think that might be information best kept to yourself.’
With a soppy, flustered grin, Alex cleared his throat. ‘Right. Got it.’
Zoe let out a sigh. ‘I know you’re only trying to lighten the tone, but I’m so uptight it’s probably a losing battle. Do you think anyone will notice if I’m not there? I really don’t want to go. Is that mean? It’s not about me, I know, but it still feels like a big deal.’
‘You know it’s all going to be fine, right?’
‘Yes, I know. But knowing doesn’t stop me from feeling…well, I don’t even know where to start. Guilty that I’m going to be there when I know Mum’s at home sitting alone, upset that this is even happening at all. Happy for my dad because he’s happy, but still weirded out about how young Chantal is. I feel as if Ishouldn’tlike her, yet I’m really beginning to like her quite a lot. But I’m worried they’re rushing into this marriage, and I’m annoyed it’s happening here because this has felt like my safe space for the last few months where I can hide from all that drama. And in St Cuthbert’s of all places, which has so many fantastic memories, but now they feel tainted by all the mad stuff I feel about the rest of it. I want to enjoy the day even if I’m not sure I ought to. If I don’t enjoy it, I’ll feel I’m letting Dad down, but if I do enjoy it, I’ll feel as if I’m betraying my mum. I’m embarrassed that people I know will be able to come and watch it all play out, about what they’ll say afterwards, and ashamed of myself for being embarrassed. I know I shouldn’t care, that the only people who really matter today are Dad and Chantal, but…’
Zoe flopped onto the edge of the bed, her shoulders slumped as she stared at her suited reflection. ‘Still glad I’ve come to live here? I bet you didn’t think you were signing up for this.’
Alex sat next to her and reached for her hand. ‘You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have some mixed feelings about the day. I might crease your suit, but would a hug help?’
‘I don’t think the suit could look any worse, so hug me, please. It’s not like anyone is going to be looking at me anyway – they’ll be looking at Chantal. Still, I do feel a bit…well, mean, I suppose.’
‘You could never be that.’ Alex folded her into his arms. ‘Listen to yourself. The fact you recognise how troubling your feelings about this wedding are means you’re doing your best with them, and that’s all you can do. You can’t unfeel something just because you think you ought to.’ He pulled away and smiled down at her. ‘And you look great. Perfect.’
‘Like a sexy schoolmistress?’
‘Giving me serious goosebumps. The main thing is, are you feeling any better now you’ve got it all off your chest?’
‘I suppose I am a bit. It is what it is, right? It’s happening, no matter what I feel about it, so I’ll have to make the best of it.’
They were interrupted by Billie at the bedroom door, a hand to her back and clearly struggling with a bump that had dropped over the past few days. Not for the first time, the thought had floated through Zoe’s mind that she looked ready for labour to start at any time, despite having a week to go. Grizzle was at her heels, as he so often was now, as if he knew she was ready to bring another life into the world and he’d decided it was his mission to be her protector. ‘The car’s here.’
‘Thanks, kiddo.’ Alex got up. ‘I’ll go and have a word, just to let him know we need a couple of minutes.’
‘I’m almost done,’ Zoe said. ‘I’ve finished my meltdown so I just have to put my lipstick on and I’ll be ready.’
