River was so tired that night, Newt had to help him up the stairs. It made him worry he’d pushed him too hard.
As they passed Newt’s bedroom door, River stopped and turned to him. “Sss… sleep…me. Hmm…sleep with me.”
“In my room?”
“My room.”
“I have a few things to do downstairs first.”
River raised his eyebrows.
“I need to order more stuff to be delivered tomorrow.” Hopefully, it would give River a chance to fall asleep before Newt came up again.
It wasn’t that Newt didn’twantRiver. He did, but he was having a crisis of conscience.
“Or…der…Hmm… Con…duh… For us!”
Condoms?River couldn’t say it. Newt didn’t want to say it. If it wasn’t what River was thinking, then he’d feel an idiot.But he nodded and went back down. He’d order condoms and lube, though not on River’s account. He didn’t want Max to see. And buying them didn’t mean he was ready to go that far. Not yet. It seemed a giant step for both of them.
He emptied the dishwasher and put the house back to rights. He should probably get the hoover out tomorrow, though the two of them weren’t making much mess.Only on each other.Newt smiled. Briefly. Was he taking advantage of River? If they were both into what they were doing, then he wasn’t, was he? But Newt also understood this had an end date. River wasn’t out. Max didn’t want him to be out. Newt knew nothing of River’s world and probably, once he’d recovered, Newt wouldn’t even be on the edges of it anymore.
I could still be his friend.
Really? Was he that delusional?Being friends was unlikely to happen.
Newt needed to harden his heart a little if he wasn’t going to end up hurt. Though he suspected it was already too late for that. He’d spent his life wanting what he couldn’t have. A mother who cared. A father who didn’t hurt him. One sibling who didn’t scare him. The other not to have betrayed him. The career he’d imagined, the home he thought he’d one day have would never exist, along with the perfect boyfriend and a little dog and maybe kids.Accept what you havewas the better way.Enjoy what you have. Be realistic about your expectations.
In a different life, Newt would have had boyfriends as a teenager. He’d have learned to navigate through experience. Being asked out or not being asked out. Boys being kind, boys being mean. He’d have learned how to kiss, how to touch, what to say, what not to say… But he’d missed out on that because he’d been afraid to say he was gay when he lived at home. Missed out on seven years when he might have learned a lot because it wasn’t safe to be gay when you were locked up.
Now he felt like a teenager in a twenty-four-year old’s body. Unsure, anxious, vulnerable along with over-excited. Doing the right thing was important but he wasn’t certain what the right thing was.
He knew how much it hurt to have your heart broken because that’s what Phelan had done, but Newt had never been hurt by falling for a boy and then getting dumped or cheated on. Maybe he’d have broken a few hearts too but never through cheating. That seemed so mean. If you don’t want someone anymore, then tell them.
Except… River was cheating on Dila. Sort of. And Newt was enabling that. Sort of. Even if the relationship was fake, it still made Newt feel awful. Maybe Dila didn’t think it was fake. Would River tell Dila once he was able to explain? Maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe Newt was just…convenient. His self-confidence began to fray at the edges.
It might have been different if Dila had been around more, if River was in touch with her. Fair enough, they couldn’t chat, but as far as Newt knew, there’d been no calls, no video messages, no texts, no silly pictures, nothing.
Not real and they were both free to see other people even if that was done secretly…was what he wanted to believe. He needed to talk to River, as best he could.
He dropped onto the couch and logged onto Amazon. After he’d added the things he wanted to his basket, he looked up lube and condoms and after a considerable amount of prevaricating, added those. Everything would be delivered tomorrow. He couldn’t get over the speed of it. He might be on a free trial of Prime, which he’d already cancelled in case heforgot later, but he was still amazed. There was hardly any need to leave the house.
Once he’d showered and cleaned his teeth, he headed for River’s room in his boxers. He’d thought River would be asleep, but he was sitting up in bed when Newt walked in.
“Worry tiger got…you.”
“No tigers in the Amazon.”
“What did…you…or…order?”
“Surprise.” Newt hadDilaon his lips but he stood there and looked at River and the word shrivelled up.
“Ree…read?”
“You want me to read to you? Anything in particular?”
“Want…to…follow.”
“You want to follow the words as I read?”
