The day he’d met Max.
That day, River had been performing the lead role in a play he’d written for his A Level Drama, a version ofThe Red Badge of Courageby Stephen Crane. Henry Fleming had been eighteen years old when he joined the Union army with romantic ideas of war, only to flee from his first battle in panic. By the end, he’d overcome his fear and fought courageously. River had thought there would be young men like him in every country.
River was seventeen. He gave the performance of his life. It was as if he became Henry. He’d left the stage as the applause continued. His family was in the audience. He hoped they thought he’d done well. His father hadn’t been likely to think that. The last thing he wanted was for River to go into acting…
He hadn’t helped set up for the next play as he’d been supposed to do, but had gone outside and curled up in a dark corner of the quad, his emotions so raw, he thought he might break to pieces at any moment. His father wouldn’t support him in anything other than studying for a degree that led to a good job that paid well. They were still arguing about it whenever River came home from school. Money wasn’t everything. That’s what River had thought. The pain of that thought made him gasp.
The quad was where Max had found him. He must have followed him. Max sat at his side and said nothing, just waiteduntil River had looked at him. His name hadn’t been River Lawson then, but the one he was born with, Tomas Shaw.
“Well, young man, I don’t know what I should be impressed by the most, the play you wrote and directed, or you. You were outstanding. Well done.”
River couldn’t speak.
“I’m a theatrical agent and I’d like you on my books. I don’t know what your plans are after you finish school but give me a call.” Max gave him his card. Tucked it into River’s pocket when his fingers wouldn’t move.
Then he’d walked away.
River had always wondered how his future would have panned out if the events of the following week hadn’t happened. But they had and Max had come for him. Signing for him hadn’t been mentioned for a long while. Max looked after him and River had slowly unwound.
Max had guessed River wasn’t straight. When he asked him, for the first time in his life, River didn’t lie. Max wanted to sign him but there was one condition. River had to pretend to be straight for the time being. Once he was established and seen first and foremost as a talented actor, then he could come out as bi. Except he wasn’t bi. He was gay. Max knew he was gay.
River had shrugged off any suggestion he wasn’t into women. Not even Dila knew he was gay rather than bi, though he supposed she might have guessed. But their relationship, like River’s previous two, was a match purely for PR purposes.
The first was a talented slightly older actress linked to talented young actor. The second was a gifted violinist linked to amazing young actor. Now, a popular singer linked to going-places actor. Little time had been spent with any ofthem because they were all busy with their careers.
Though River saw now what he hadn’t seen the first time Max had proposed a fake relationship, that when they split up, he could hardly come out as gay when he’d been in a relationship with a woman for months. It would make them both look bad. Just as splitting with him now while he was in recovery would make Dila look like a real bitch.
So being gay was a secret he had to keep. Maybe he’d call himself bi for a while, when he did come out, though that didn’t sit comfortably in his heart. It was unfair to those who were bi, as well as unfair to himself or anyone he might be with.Shit.
A full circle of thought and now his head hurt.
River might not like being pressured to hide his sexual identity, but he knew Max was right. He wouldn’t have been given the roles he’d played if people had known. Maybe not even the role as the alien inKaden’s Monster,filming this autumn. Even if he could pull himself together and learn to walk, talk and read like a normal human being, that might be undone if someone important didn’t want a main character who was gay.
He wasn’t the first actor to hide his sexual orientation. In the past, hiding was a lot more prevalent, but even today men and women who’d been in the business for years were coming out as gay when he’d thought they were straight. He clung onto the knowledge that one day, he’d be prepared to prioritise his happiness over parts he might want. Not just his happiness, but that of whoever he was with because everyone needed someone, and not a pretend girlfriend who had reasons of her own for playing that role.
And he’d already fucked up with Newt. Kissing him, then fleeing. Why the hell had Max employed a cute guy tolive with him?
Unless…
Really?River tensed. Had Max done it deliberately, knowing what might happen, thinking he was doing River some sort of favour? Though had he ever told Max the type of guy he was into? He probably had.
He remembered what Newt had said when they’d first met…I’d do a striptease, but I’m not your type, am I?and River had assumed he meant— not his type because Newt was gay and he thought River wasn’t—but he might have meant because he was dark-haired and skinny and assumed River was into something different or Max had told him River was into something different.I’m not.
He gave a heavy sigh. River knew nothing about Newt. He couldn’t even look him up on social media. He had to trust that Max had done his due diligence. How had Max found him? When River thought about it, the plan hadn’t been for Max to find someone to stay with him when his parents left. Max had been going to stay, so where had Newt come from? Had Max seen him and thought…He’ll keep River happy.Was Newt being paid to have sex with him? His stomach roiled.
River would have banged his head against the tree again if he hadn’t had some sense knocked into him a few moments ago. The truth was, Newt was exactly the sort of guy River looked for on the porn channels. Well, he had when he’d been able to use the internet. Maybe Max thought any good-looking gay guy would do.
Don’t be such an idiot.
River could feel the hole he was digging growing deeper. So many assumptions and none were necessarily right.
Though one thing was clear. In one respect, nothing had changed. River needed to keep his head straight—oh theirony—and his hands off. His head hadn’t been straight since he’d found himself looking at Gary Marsden’s arse in basketball at school and got an erection. He’d had to fake an injury and double over to get off the court without the tent in his shorts being seen.
River’s relationship with Newt had to return to its normal settings. Newt was there to look after him. And not in that way. Even if Newt now thought River was gay or bi, an NDA had been signed. Max trusted him to keep his mouth shut about River’s brain damage, and that applied to his sexuality too. It wasn’t as if anything had actually happened. Just a kiss at a moment of excitement.
River felt better. More settled. What had happened was a one-off and not going to happen again. He pushed himself up, got his balance, and carried on walking. He didn’t need to think about it anymore. What he needed to do was concentrate on where he put his feet and not go too far because he had to walk all the way back. The exercise was good for him. Jorge the Jerk had told him he should be doing more, and he was right about that at least.
There was movement in the trees just ahead and River stopped, then gaped when he realised it was a fox. For a moment or two, the pair of them just stared at each other before two cubs bounded into view.Oh my God.River had seen foxes before but never cubs.They are so sweet.As one of the cubs ran towards River, the mother intercepted it, guiding it away. As the trio moved off, River followed, hoping to see a little more of them. Distraction along with speed was his undoing, because the mound of earth he’d stepped onto, suddenly dropped away beneath his feet. He cried out as he slid and kept sliding. He hadn’t realised how far he’d strayed to the right. He was heading for the river.
