Why not?But that wasn’t a question he could ask because River couldn’t tell him. Newt thought the worst. River didn’t want a gay guy touching him, which made him angry, then sad, but what was the point in getting bent out of shape when he couldn’t be sure what the problem was?
“Back in a moment. Just need the loo.” Newt left the room to get himself back under control.
Eight
A few moments ago, if River had been able to get up and dance around the room, that’s what he’d have done. He’d managed to saycoffeeandcupandbookandyes, and Newt had looked so pleased with him, and he’d felt so fucking pleased with himself, that hope had almost choked him. River finally believed he could do this. Hewoulddo this. It might only be a few words but it was more progress than he’d made with the other speech therapists who’d been too obsessed with him copying the sounds they made.Oooo. Ahhhh. Eeee. Uuuuugh.
However, that was a few moments ago, and now that excitement had gone. It had been zapped away in a flash to be replaced by a churning stomach and racing heart. Because as much as he didn’t like Jorge, the idea of Newt touching him, rubbing his arms, massaging his legs, massaging him anywhere, filled him with horror. Not because he didn’t like Newt. Hedidlike him. Too much. That was the problem.
No way could Newt put his hands on him without River’s cock reacting. Fine if he was face down, probably, but he’d have to turn over at some point. That fuckhead Jorge had told him at the first session that he wasn’t to worry if he got an erection, that it was a normal physical reaction to touch or relaxation.Fuck you,River had thought. And it had never been a problem. Probably because he loathed Jorge.
With Newt, it would be a problem. As River was on the point of running away, Newt had done the running instead. River doubted he needed the bathroom. Newt hadn’t asked why River didn’t want him to act as his physio. Except how the fuck would he have been able to explain?If you touch me,I’m worried my dick will go hard.No way was he miming any of that. Though it would make Newt laugh, and he liked making Newt laugh.
It was crazy to think he’d worried for so long about his cock staying resolutely soft, despite all his best tricks and a reliably vivid imagination, and now he was worrying in case it went hard. But it would. He’d recognised the signs. The warmth, the tingling sensation when Newt had touched him or he’d touched Newt. Danger signals sounding in his head. He’d been able to fight it so far but with Newt’s hands all over him? No way.
Newt was too tempting and River’s willpower was not at its strongest. The accident had destroyed his libido and Newt had resurrected it. A relief and a problem. It was better that Newt not touch him. Safer. He might get the wrong idea, which wouldn’t be entirely the wrong idea, but it wasn’t something River could let happen.
Everyone thought River was straight. The entire world apart from Max. River was on his third high-profile girlfriend. None had been conventional relationships. All had been engineered. All had been mutually beneficial. None had lasted long. Everyone knew he and Dila were together. There were pictures of them together all over social media: TikTok, Facebook, X, Instagram… So it had to be true.Ha!But one day, the arrangement with Dila would end and that would mean suitably sad faces for a while, and River would hold out as long as he could before Max linked him to someone else. River did as he was told. It had been made clear that he had to. He owed Max so much. River didn’t want to disappoint him and he knew the roles he’d be offered would decline if he came out. Both he and Max had seen it happen over and over.
Newt came back into the room. “Sandwich okay forlunch?”
“Yes.”
River wanted Newt to smile at him for sayingyesbut he hadn’t looked his way. He wished he could explain why he didn’t want Newt touching him, but even if he’d been able to speak, what could he have said? Not the truth. So maybe it was better that Newt thought the worst of him.That I’m a homophobe? Shit no!River didn’t want him to think that.
Andwhat were those bruises all over Newt’s body? It looked as though someone had beaten him up. River should have pointed at them when they were down at the pool, got Newt to tell him, but after he’d exhausted himself swimming, he’d known that if he didn’t lie down, he’d collapse. It had been as much as he could do to put one foot in front of another to get back to his room where he’d howled into his pillow. It made no difference to the pain but it was the only way he’d fight it. No more pills. They were too dangerous. The world had looked wrong when he was medicated and getting addicted to floating was too tempting because there would be a fall.
He watched Newt as he worked, wishing he knew what he was thinking, yet sort of thankful he didn’t.
“This afternoon, we’re going to watch one of your films. You can decide which one.”
What the fuck?They werenotgoing to watch one of his films. Why would he willingly put himself through the torture of seeing himself talking and running and…doing anything he couldn’t currently do? Hell no. He went over to Newt and shook his head.
“You don’t want to?”
Isn’t that what shaking my head means?
He tried to say no. “Nurf.”Shit.“Nef.”
“Try again. Yes. Yes.”
River almost laughed but managed to glare. “Nuff… Nut… No. No. No!” He yelled the last no.
“No need to shout. I sort of regret you learning that word. Let me explain why I think you should say yes. I have a theory. If you can remember your lines, you might be able to say them alongside the you on the screen, and speak without thinking too hard. That’s my theory. Have you tried to do that?
River opened and closed his mouth, then shook his head, took a risk and said, “No.” Clear as a bell. Well, it sounded right to him.
“Want to try? I think it’s worth a shot.”
Newt looked so hopeful, River gave in and nodded.
“I might have to ration yourno’s.”
River managed a smile. “No.”
“Yes. Five left today.” Newt grinned and went on his phone. “There’s a list of your films on Wikipedia. I’ll read them out and you stop me when I get to the one you think we should watch.”
You don’t know my films?Had Newt seen any of them? That brought him up short. He wanted to ask Newt to pick his favourite. Damn not being able to speak. He couldn’t think of a way to mimefavourite.Well, one way, but he wasn’t going to cross his hands over his heart and point to Newt.
