Fen appeared over Kyrie’s shoulder. He urged Kyrie to his feet. “Come on, wee one. It’s his mate’s right to handle this.”
Kyrie looked torn, but he let himself get pulled away. “If you need me, I’m always a shout away. I don’t—”
Fen rubbed Kyrie’s arms. “Seriously, love. This is one of those times where you can’t help.”
Kyrie looked like a fish out of water. It was obvious leaving went against his every instinct. He couldn’t argue with Fen’s logic. With one last heartbreaking look, Kyrie and Fen vanished.
Leif dropped into the spot Kyrie had vacated. He stared at his lap, looking as heartbroken as Aspen felt. His hair was a mess from whatever tumble he endured while Aspen’s anxiety took him out.
Aspen’s mind was a blank slate. He was too terrified to think. Everything inside him hurt too much. If as much as a centimeter budged in any direction in his mind, he would shatter.
“It’s not someone else.”
Aspen crossed his arms, trying to physically hold himself together. He stared at Leif. Aspen had never loved anyone so much. They were mates now. Connected for eternity, for the good or the bad. He had never understood why this one person could cause him so much irreparable harm with a single misplaced word or deed. Aspen didn’t understand why Leif didn’t see how diminished Aspen had become without him. How weak.
Leif set his hand on Aspen’s leg and rubbed, but he still didn’t meet Aspen’s stare. “Last night, when I said there was another choice I could’ve made—a hypothetical choice—I was just being weak, and testing your reaction, I guess.” Leif cleared his throat. His chin lifted and their gazes met. Leif’s eyes were blood red and red-rimmed. He hurt too. Aspen felt the pain as if it were a physical touch.
“You can tell me anything.” Aspen’s voice sounded as if he had spent twelve hours wailing at the top of his lungs.
Leif visibly swallowed. The act had Aspen’s gaze dropping to Leif’s neck. There was Aspen’s mark. His mark. Leif belonged to him, and Aspen couldn’t watch him ache.
“You can say it.”
Leif took a shaky-sounding breath. “It wasn’t a random backup plan. I did it.”
Aspen’s insides froze. “You did what?” He needed there to be no misunderstandings.
Guilt passed over Leif’s features. “You said you didn’t want us anymore, but there was no me without you. I walked into the fire.”
Aspen gasped. He automatically drew his knees up and covered his mouth, as if everything inside him recoiled.
Leif swallowed again. “Except Celeste wouldn’t let me die. Well, she wouldn’t let me stay dead. That’s why I’ve been so angry with her. I made my way to peace in heaven. But she still needed me to be the soldier, and—truth be told—as much as I am so fucking thankful for you, I’m still angry. You’re my everything. I didn’t want to go on without you, and she made me.”
Tears rolled down Aspen’s cheeks, but he let Leif say all the words.
Leif blinked as if he fought tears and he wouldn’t look directly at Aspen. “The pain was unimaginable, and I don’t mean the fire. It was like you were ripped away from me, and I couldn’t do it. But she needed a fucking soldier, so my suffering meant nothing.” He finally met Aspen’s stare, and Aspen saw the pain and rage. “I know everything worked out and I’m sitting here now, mated to the only thing in this world I can’t live without. Not just the only person, but every goddamn thing I can’t live without.” Leif’s voice shook with emotion. “I know I’m supposed to accept that some grand plan came together in the end. But we were told we could choose a warrior’s death, and it’s all bullshit. I’m ecstatic to be alive now and sitting here with you. But back then, it was an impossible dream, and she ripped away my only option for comfort.”
There was no way Aspen could have known how much pure anger lived inside Leif. Sadness engulfed him. “If you feel that way about her, I can’t imagine how you really feel about me. I mean, when I got into town and saw you again for the first time, you looked at me with a loathing I can’t even describe. Now you’re stuck with me, and….” Aspen’s hands rose and fell. “I’m sorry for existing, I guess. You never deserved to have me as a plague on your life. If you’d never met me, you’d—”
“Be the most miserable bastard on the face of the planet,” Leif interjected, likely saving Aspen from words he couldn’t unsay.
Aspen deflated. He thought he had felt defeated before, but knowing he was the reason Leif had done such a terrible and dumb thing. That was too heavy for him to carry.
Leif scooted closer and touched his lips to Aspen’s. “None of this matters now, baby.” He kissed Aspen again. His voice remained soft. “Please stop hating me over this.” Another sweet kiss swept across his lips. “I just want to leave the past behind and—for once—finally get to enjoy the love we found. Why does everything keep stepping between us? We’re supposed to be happy to be mates.”
That last bit hit Aspen hard. “I am happy knowing you’re mine. I begged for you.” In all the line of embarrassing things to say, Aspen didn’t feel like admitting the way he had pleaded didn’t even make the top fifty on the list. But that was the admission that mattered most now. He stared at his biggest dream come true. That was why it hurt so badly to find out he was Leif’s worst nightmare.
In all his life, and it had been a very long existence, Leif had never felt pain like what Aspen experienced. The instant Leif closed his mind to Aspen, Aspen had crumbled. Too late, Leif realized how close Aspen had been to shattering, purely from the way Leif had looked at him the first time he saw Aspen again. There had been nothing left inside Aspen but a thin and cracked veneer of hope for the future when he came after Leif. Then Leif had taken a baseball bat to Aspen’s slowly healing heart.
Leif’s hands shook. There was a person-sized hole in the wall where Kyrie had sent him flying through it. He didn’t even know how he felt about that because the shock of everything was so thick. All he knew was Aspen couldn’t leave him.
“I’m not leaving you.”
The statement made the air in Leif’s lungs stutter. He heard and felt the shaky breath that escaped him.
“Come here.” Aspen pulled Leif onto his lap. Sitting between Aspen's knees, Aspen urged him to lean against his chest before wrapping his arms around Leif in a tight hug.
Leif’s eyes closed. He savored the moment. This was one of the things he had missed the most. Aspen was his cuddly bear for a reason. Being in his arms was Leif’s version of heaven.
