An uneasy feeling drags through the pit of my stomach.
“What’s wrong?” Nick asks in a soft, gentle tone.
“Just thinking about how I won’t be able to tutor when I start law school. I’ll really miss it.”
“Why not?”
“I’ll be too busy. Law school is intense, and I won’t have time for anything other than studying and attending class. I might have time for an internship at a law firm. But that’s it. No more tutoring. Probably no more YouTube channel either.”
That uneasy feeling turns to dread, then sadness. Just thinking about giving up my channel makes me sick. I love working on it so much. I love knowing that I’m helping so many people learn.
Nick opens his mouth and hesitates, like he’s working up the nerve to say something.
“What is it?” I ask.
He lets out a heavy breath. “I think it’s sad that you’re going to have to give up your passion.” He hesitates again. “And look, I don’t mean to make you question your plans or your career. But I don’t hear you talk about law school as often as you talk about tutoring or the work you do for your channel. I can tell howmuch you love those two things. And when you do talk about going to law school, you’re not as excited about it.”
He’s quiet for a long moment, like he’s choosing his words carefully.
“I’d hate for you give up your passion for something you don’t really like. Something you don’t truly want,” he says. “It just doesn’t seem fair to you. You should be able to do what you want—what you’re passionate about—as a career. If that’s what you want.”
Nick’s gently spoken words bounce around in my head. He’s right.
What I want.
What I want is to keep teaching and tutoring, both in person and on YouTube. I love it more than the thought of going to law school or being a lawyer.
“Sorry, I’m not trying to make you second-guess your plans or your life,” Nick says.
“You’re not. Everything you said is true. And I’m glad you said it.”
His brow lifts. “Really?”
“Yeah. Honestly, I’m used to living my life according to other people’s expectations. And when I say other people, I mean my parents.”
Nick flashes a sad smile and kisses my forehead.
“For the longest time, all I wanted was to make them proud. And the only way to do that is to live life on their terms.”
I clear my throat as I work up the nerve to verbalize the thought that’s been floating at the back of my head for a long time.
“But I don’t think I want to do that anymore. I don’t think I want to keep living my life according to my parents’ expectations. I…I don’t know if I want to be a lawyer. I don’tknow if I want to go to law school after I graduate. I think I might want to put it off for a while.”
Nick pulls me against him, hugging me tight. “That’s okay, Poppy,” he says softly. “You should do whatever you want. This is your life. No one gets to decide how to live it except you.”
My nerves instantly calm when I’m tucked against his warm body.
He kisses the top of my head. “I’m proud of you for saying how you feel.”
I close my eyes and hum, feeling comforted and settled. I know the fallout from what I’ve just admitted is going to be rough. But I don’t care. Because right now, I’m with Nick. And in this moment, he makes everything feel right.
Chapter 47
Poppy
Later that afternoon, Nick leaves to head to practice. I’m at my desk in my bedroom, checking the stats on my YouTube channel. My eyes go wide, and I gasp.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve hit half a million followers. The views for all my videos are through the roof, too. I’m making a lot more money off my channel too, because of this boost.
