Chapter 19
Lyall
Will Soren hate mewhen he knows I let my family chain him up? When he finds out I didn’t fight for him, craven that I am, he’ll never want anything to do with me. I revisited this memory many times, searching for some way to change things, and it never got easier.
It’s strange to witness the worst day of my life from outside of my own body. I’m an observer. I can’t feel the same gut-wrenching grief I felt back then. It’s as if all these terrible things happened to someone else, not to me. My own voice comes from the basement, broken with grief at seeing his mate chained to a damn wall like an animal.
I should have broken his chains. I should have run away with him.
Why didn’t I just go with him?
“Lyall, you’re bleeding!”
I jump when Soren snatches my fist and forces my fingers to uncurl. They’d shifted to claws, puncturing my palm. In seconds, the wounds close.
“You saw.”
Soren pulls some napkins out of his pocket and wipes away the blood. “I did,” he says.
Is that accusation in his voice? Is he already angry with me?
Good. I deserve his hatred.
“Hey.” He cups my cheek. “Should we go back?”
I move out of his touch. It’s too tender, and I don’t deserve it. “You should see the rest.” If we’re to have any future together, he needs to know the truth.
Soren startles when my past self bursts from the cellar and marches toward the front door. He makes a ruckus as he stomps through the house until he arrives at Wulfric’s room. Soren hurries after him.
By the time I’ve made my way into the room, the fight has already started. Soren puts a hand over his mouth, eyes damp as my brother and I tear into each other. I shouldn’t have been so cruel to Wulfric. Had I ever apologized for those words I’d hurled at him?
“Don’t make me do this without you, Lyall. Please.” Wulfric’s broken voice yanks me from my thoughts. We’re kneeling on the floor, bloody and bruised, clutching each other. “I lost Father. Gunnar w-won’t even speak to us. Anders blames me for everything. I can’t… I c-can’t lose you, too. Don’t leave me alone.Please.”
“Damn it, just say no!” The roar tears from my throat before I can stop it. “Tell him no! Tell him you won’t stay!”
None of these ghosts from the past acknowledges me. My past self will choose his family over the man he loves and will condemn himself to years of loneliness and misery.
All he had to do—allIhad to do—was follow Soren into exile.
I should have chosen Soren. I should have.
But my family needed me. Theyneededme.
I can’t look at Soren. All I want is to sink into the floor and rest within the earth, like all those who died on this day. He must hate me. How could he not? I hate myself for being too weak to fight for him. Gods, he must be so angry with me.
“Lyall.” Soren’s voice cracks. He sounds as close to breaking as I feel.
I’m still a coward, even now. I can’t face his judgment. “I cannot bear another moment.” The words scrape my throat on the way out. “If you want to talk, you can find me on the beach.”
I walk out before I can see the disappointment or betrayal surely in his eyes.
Gulls cry as they swoop down over the ocean, tearing fish from the gray waves. One poor bird has been trying to catch a fish and just when he finally catches one, the fish slips from between his jaws and falls back into the sea. I pity him, to have gotten what he wanted only to lose it.
Shoes clack over stones behind me. I close my eyes tight and try to brace my heart for what’s coming.
“Lyall? Can we talk?”
My spine stiffens. Gods, here it comes. “Aye.” I have to drag the word from my throat when I want nothing more than to run.
