"Did she push you to do something you weren't ready for in some way?"
"No, she's never done anything like that. She might be the only person who hasn't done anything like that. It was all me."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You don't have to say anything that makes you uncomfortable. You don't owe her an explanation if it hurts you."
"I know what I'm doing, but I appreciate the concern."
Dax lowers his voice. "I just don't want you to end up in a hole again, you know? I worry about you."
"I know. But you don't have to worry about me right now."
"Okay."
It sounds like he kisses him next, whispering something else before I hear one set of footsteps retreat toward the main room.
Maybe Dax doesn't care about me, but heiscapable. He can talk all the shit he wants about how he just thinks that if you really care about your friends, you should get them off, but that isn't what's happening between him and Nolan. He loves him; he protects him. He takes care of him…the same way he's been taking care of me.
The doorknob turns, and Nolan pushes it open just a crack before it hits the desk I moved in front of it last night.
"Hey, Saige? Can I come in?"
Even from the other side of the room, I can feel it—a tone so deep, the vibrations hit me right in the chest. I thought I'd gotten used to it over the past few weeks.
"Yeah…" My own voice comes out raspy; my throat hurts. I'm about to get up and move the desk, but Nolan easily pushes it aside enough to get into the room, and then puts it back in place against the wall.
"I come bearing gifts," he says before setting a jar of jalapeños on the same desk. "A peace offering."
"Thanks."
He lies in bed next to me, this time getting under the covers, and brushes hair away from my injured temple with his fingertips. "Saige, I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. I'm fine."
"It's not okay," he says. "Saige, I need to tell you something…about why I reacted the way I did. It's not going to be pretty, and I hope it doesn't change the way you think about me."
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"Mmm…you're wrong. I do have to, and I don't want to. I trust you, and I need you to understand me if you're going to stay. Shit, I mean…" He pauses, lacing our fingers together before kissing the top of my hand. "I guess I'm assuming you'd even want me after what I did. Do you still want me, Saige?"
Maybe I should say no, but I'd be lying. Nolan used to scare me. I thought he was creepy; I thought there was something wrong with him, but I get it now. Whatever darkness lurks behind his eyes was put there by someone else. They changed him, and that…thatI understand.
I nod. "Yeah, I still want you. I won't leave, either. But how are we going to do this…with Dax and Elias?"
"We'll figure it out as we go, Saige. That's not what I want to talk about right now."
"Okay."
I think I know what he's going to say even before he says it—maybe I'm even deflecting, because I don't want to hear it.
But that's selfish, isn't it?
"My mom met my sister's dad when I was nine years old, and she married him right after I turned eleven. He started hurting mejust months after the wedding, and after Avery was born, he started hurting my mom, too. I tried to get her to leave, but she said she couldn't. She said we needed him, and that he'd take the baby and maybe even me, too. I don't know why or what he told her, but she believed him, and so I believed it, too."
"Nolan—"
"Wait, okay? Just wait until I'm done."
I swallow hard. "Go ahead."
