“Anytime, baby. Fuck I needed that. You know what? Next time, I’m gonna get some handcuffs. Maybe do a little kidnapping. Kick it up a notch.”
“Sure,” Mara said, but as Derek turned to the topic of where they could get dinner, all she could think was‘I can’t keep up with this.’
2
Mara examined her naked body in their full-length mirror. She had little fingertip bruises all over her thighs and upper arms. It was nothing new—she was pale, and she and Derek liked rough sex—but for once, the sight of all the red and purple spots didn’t fill her with quiet satisfaction.
Derek was doing his best to act normal, but she sensed the stress churning beneath his surface. The same caged panther energy she remembered when exams rolled around in high school and Derek’s football career was forced—however briefly—to take a back seat to his education.
He’d never been grumpy withher, but he’d paced incessantly, chain-smoking and swearing at his algebra textbooks. The intensity that made him an incredible athlete was downright stressful when it was directed at anything that wasn’t sport. His brothers, coaches, friends, and even his teachers all learned to stay out of his way until exams were over, and he was back on the footy field. Only now, there wasn’t a field for Derek to return to. He’d retired from AFL over three years ago, marriedher, and dedicated himself to writing fantasy novels under a pseudonym and raising their boys.
The novelty of writing and newborns had distracted him for a while, but as he settled into a routine that didn’t involve football, that old tension had started to prowl. Derek had been the king of AFL for over a decade, but being a top sportsman was like being a top model—your time in the sun was limited. Everyone claimed to understand that, but Mara had met enough models to know that there was a difference between pretending you were fine with aging out of the industry andactuallyaging out of the industry.
She loved Derek. Not the image of him—the real man beneath the mask. His flaws and his strengths were equally beautiful to her, but knowing the real Derek meant knowing he was in denial. In some private chamber of his heart, he’d thought he’d never have to retire. He never believed he’d watch a younger man reach the watermarks he’d left on the walls of the sporting world. Let alone exceed them. But he had watched both things happen this past year. The further he got from AFL—the more the game moved on without him—the tenser he became.
She knew he loved his family, but sitting alone at a desk and taking the boys to baby rhyme time was a far cry from the days when he drove his knees into men’s backs and launched himself into the air to the cheers of thousands. Millions, if you counted TV.
Mara turned and studied the violet bruises flowering on her ass. Lately, Derek kept casting himself as a criminal. A version of the man who’d once walked into packed locker rooms and biker bars and had everyone straightening to attention. It was insanely hot, but it was also edging into something she didn’t like.
Intense roleplay used to help him relax. To become more ‘himself’ for a while. But his tension seemed to be increasing, and he requested longer scenes. More elaborate roleplay. Morebondage. And the frequency with which he wanted to enter these worlds was growing. Staring at her bruised backside, Mara wondered if he was going to keep pushing both of them until the game never really ended.
“But what should I do?” she asked her reflection. “He can’t play football anymore. If sex is the place where he wants to let go, what am I supposed to do? Tell him to find someone else?”
He wouldn’t. He’d die first, but that didn’t change the fact?—
Wetness scraped across her calf. Pan, her Golden retriever-spaniel cross, was licking her shin. Glad to be broken out of her head, Mara bent to stroke Pan’s ears. “What do you think I should do, Pan-Pan?”
The dog licked her wrist, her long tail thumping the carpet. She desperately wanted to talk to someone, but who could she trust? Chase was the ideal candidate, but he was in South America with his partner Andy, and she didn’t want to interrupt the holiday. But then who? She needed someone level-headed and kind who wouldn’t judge her sex life and was completely uninvested in Derek’s football legacy. An angel, essentially.
Sighing, Mara moved toward her cupboard and pulled out a pair of black leggings and a sports bra. She’d planned to go to yoga before she picked the boys up from daycare, but she didn’t know if she had the energy.
“Pan-Pan,” she called, shoving her feet into her tights. “Do you want to go for a walk?”
Pan yipped excitedly, and her bright brown eyes made Mara think of someone else. Beth Myers lived in Perth with Derek’s best friend, Byron Thomas. She wasn’t an angel, obviously, but she was smart and nice and completely unimpressed by Derek. It always made Mara laugh, the way Beth teased her husband about his tattoos and what she called his ‘edgelord persona.’
Living in different states had prevented her and Beth from becoming really close, but theywerefriends. And Mara knewBeth would tell her to call rather than keep her stress to herself. She was that kind of person.
“But she’s pregnant,” Mara said to Pan. “She probably doesn’t have time for me, right?”
Pan let out a little whine, and Mara decided to throw caution to the wind. She yanked on her sports bra and grabbed her phone from the bedside table.
Beth picked up on the third ring. “Hey, Mara. How are you, lady?”
The relief of hearing her voice, so bright and friendly, made Mara feel a little woozy. She sat on the bed, pressing her free hand to her throat.
“Hello?” Beth called. “Mara?”
“Hi,” she said quickly. “And hi, little foetus baby.”
“Yes, Simon says hello.” Beth laughed at her own joke. “Man, I’m never gonna get tired of that.”
“You shouldn’t,” Mara said, transferring her hand to her forehead. She felt hot all over. Prematurely embarrassed at wasting Beth’s time. She wished she hadn’t called.
“Mara,” Beth said sharply. “What’s wrong?”
“Um… nothing?”
“Don’t give me that.”
