The pastor went on. “I’ve counseled with Nova Jones about her abortion. Guided her through her repentance. She’s begged the Lord for forgiveness, and the child is doing her part at this trial. What about you, Mary?”
When I didn’t speak, he said, “I remember when you came to me, to unburden yourself. Because you’d killed your unborn child. But you were no girl of thirteen, like Nova. You were a grown woman. An educated woman, about to take the bar exam.”
I’d been a fool to counsel with Pastor Erskine all those years ago. I wanted the pastor to understand my dilemma, to know that I didn’t make the decision lightly. To tell me I was forgiven. That the Lord understood.
The counseling session didn’t go as planned. He condemned me. I walked out of his church feeling bitter, broken. I hadn’t gone to Sunday service since then.
It was like my body had a mind of its own. There was no thought process, no impulse control… I just stopped the car, put it in park, released my seat belt, and jumped out.
“I wasn’t thirteen when I had an abortion, but I was fifteen when I got raped. You never asked that day. You just condemned! That fifteen-year-old never healed! Never! She shut down in shame waiting for…anyoneto save her!”
Now I was trembling… I couldn’t control my voice.
He just stood there, speechless.
“I came to you as a grown woman who was broken. And instead of seeing me, you broke me down more. And you callyourself a man of God… of love? What the hell do you have to offer Nova?”
I turned to get back in the car and heard myself shout.
“You can shove your holiness up your ass!”
My tires screeched as I drove my car away, not even looking in the rearview mirror. I hated myself for the tears that kept falling.
CHAPTER
58
Nova Jones
BULLOCK COUNTY COURTHOUSE UNION SPRINGS, ALABAMA
The old brick courthouse in Union Springs was straight ahead. Nova could see it through the windshield. And it was getting bigger and taller, bigger and taller and scarier.
Nova was scrunched up in the back of a police car, next to her mama. Mama wouldn’t even look at her. Mama was ashamed. And scared.
So it was Nova and Mama in the back seat, with Sheriff Mick Owens up front driving,but Nova wasn’t there.Not really. Reason for that was, none of it was real. Nothing felt real anymore, not to Nova. It was all a terrible bad dream.
Not only a dream, though. There were things that had happened to Nova. Thingsdone to her,that brought her to that place. That wasn’t fair. It was wrong. So, so wrong. She’d been raped. Shecouldn’t forget what they done to her. How they done it. Almost a year gone by. But it was still all locked up in her head. Locked up tight. Because she couldn’t tell anybody what happened.
She was so alone. Alone with her secret shame.
The courthouse was getting closer. Too close. If she could, Nova would open the car door. Jump out and run off, as far from that courthouse as she could get.
But there was no way out for her. Outside the police car, angry white people were yelling. Coming off the sidewalk, right up to the police car. They were screaming at her, at Nova. Yelling her name. Yelling bad words.
She clutched her hands together in her lap. She wished she could roll down the car window. Those white people were so close, she could reach out and grab them. She wanted to. Wanted to shake them hard, make them stop.
Nova had never seen so many people in Union Springs. And she’d lived there her whole life. All shouting, angry, cussing. Why were all the people angry—mad at her? They made ugly faces, acted like her name was a dirty word when they said it out loud.
It made her feel dirty. And guilty.
The sheriff said those people out there, they’re too close to the car. He flipped a button, and the siren started wailing. Nova clapped her hands over her ears, but it didn’t shut out the noise from the siren or the people in the street.
She slid down in the seat. She could see through the front windshield, there were white people holding signs. She couldn’t read them, not with the sun hitting the window, making a glare. But she heard more voices. They were chanting together. In rhythm.
“Lock her up! Lock her up!”
Nova felt hot vomit rise up her throat. Thought she was goingto puke all over the back seat of the police car. She thought they wanted to lockherin jail.
