“I told you, Mary. We’re investigating. It’s being handled.”
That wasn’t sufficient assurance, not for me. I knew Mick too well. “Damn it, Mick! You can’t let this shit slide!”
My voice cracked when I screamed at him. He turned and made his way to the door. Without looking back, he said, “I’ll tell Dr. Thompson he needs to take a look at you.”
Jordan sounded frightened when she said, “Dr. Thompson is supposed to get back to her soon. They sent the X-rays to the radiologist in Montgomery. It shouldn’t be that much longer.”
Nellie said, “Hey, Mary. You sure you don’t want to talk to the nurse about the pain? I know you’re tough. You got nothing to prove.”
Jordan picked up a plastic cup of ice water and dropped a hospital straw into it. “Mary’s so strong! I admire that so much. I aways have.”
Nellie nodded. Standing on the other side of the bed, she said, “No matter what happens, Mary keeps on going. Never looks back.”
Jordan held the cup out to me. “You want some water, Mary?”
I pushed the cup away.
Jordan set it on the tray table. In a hesitant voice, she said, “I’m sorry about your rooster.”
The rooster.Why that did it, I can’t even say. Those were the words that broke me. Those tears started coming, wouldn’t stop. I tried to wipe them away—with my fingers, and then I used the bedsheet as a Kleenex.
“Mary?” Nellie bent over the bed, looking scared. “You okay?”
The crying intensified. Huge, gasping sobs that choked me. Made me struggle for breath.
Jordan said, “Mary?” Her voice wobbled, like my breakdown was contagious.
“Shut the door,” Nellie said. She grabbed the tissues, pressed the box into my hand. And then she stroked my hair away from my face. Like our mama used to do.
When I managed to catch my breath, I said, “I’m so tired.”
“Just close your eyes, then,” Nellie said.
I shook my head. That wasn’t it. I raised my voice, so she’d understand me.
“I’m tired of being strong!”
Both sisters stood by the hospital bed. That was when I melted down again, big-time. Bawled like a baby. Because I was incapable of being strong anymore. I had to release the pressure or it would explode, blow me up just like my farmhouse. It felt dangerous, that grief.
I could let go, with Nellie and Jordan. With my sisters, I was safe.
CHAPTER
72
BULLOCK COUNTY COURTHOUSE UNION SPRINGS, ALABAMA
Early the next morning, I sat behind my desk in chambers, slumped in my chair. A McDonald’s bag containing an untouched breakfast sandwich sat on the desk blotter. Nellie had ordered it at the drive-through window when she drove me to the courthouse. A big plastic cup rested by the bag, still half full of Diet Coke. I picked that up, sucked on the straw.
Tried to figure out where I was going to find the stamina I’d need to make it through the day.
Dr. Thompson released me from the hospital the night before, though he was reluctant to do so, once the X-rays ruled out a concussion. I didn’t think I’d ever fall asleep over at Nellie’s. I did, finally. Though I wished I’d stayed awake. Because as I slept, I dreamed, my brain creating terrifying snatches of sight and sound. I couldn’t remember all of it. But I know that I dreamed about my mama. She was at the farm, still alive. I heard her crying out, and I came running. I couldn’t find her, though I hunted for hereverywhere. Suddenly, I was standing in the side yard when Mama came tearing out of the barn. She was screaming my name, calling for me to help her. I wanted desperately to rescue Mama, to save her. But I couldn’t move. I was frozen in place.
I must’ve been making noise in my sleep, because Nellie shook me awake. She hugged me, held me. Begged me to stop crying.
That was a shock; the statement penetrated the fog that nightmare left. What did my sister even mean—crying? Twice in a day? It wasn’t possible. I almost never cry, I’m no crybaby.
But my face was hot, my nose running like a faucet. When I touched the pillow, it was wringing wet.
