Well, I know you were as keen as I was for a bite to eat when we were chatting, but you’d be surprised how many women say they’ll meet me and then don’t. I think my fame intimidates them, and look, I understand it is a big deal, but I can see you’re up to the challenge as a fellow TV star. (Leaning on to the bar) Oh good, I can see a bottle of bubbly chilling in the fridge. Prosecco OK for you? They don’t do proper champagne here, despite how many times I’ve contacted corporate headquarters to ask for it to be stocked as standard.
MALCOLM orders prosecco and two glasses from the BARMAN. When it comes, MALCOLM unscrews the lid of the bottle. The prosecco foams out and over the neck of the bottle. To stem its flow, MALCOLM clamps his mouth over it and sucks the foam away. JEMMA pulls a face. The smattering of people in the bar are all watching.
MALCOLM
(Handing JEMMA a glass) Cheers!
JEMMA pretends to drink while MALCOLM drinks all of his, then refills and takes another large sip.
JEMMA
Are the rest of the crew I met today staying here, then?
MALCOLM
God, no. They all chose to stay in a hotel nearer the town centre. The Avonbridge, I think it’s called.
JEMMA
Had they run out of rooms for you there?
MALCOLM
I’m sure there’s plenty of rooms, I never asked. I prefer sleeping somewhere that’s familiar every night, so it’s always the Premier Inn for me. If I can’t be at home in my own bed, then the same kind of bed, the same layout of room – it’s very comforting to me.
JEMMA
Like Sainsbury’s houmous?
MALCOLM
Pardon?
MALCOLM’s glass is empty again. He fills it back up to the top.
MALCOLM (CONT’D)
This whole property malarky, how seriously into it are you? Got a portfolio?
JEMMA
No, actually. I believe building a property portfolio is evil. It’s ruining local communities, it’s allowing a small group of people to hoard housing when safe shelter is a basic human need, it means millions of people live at the whim of landlords who prioritise profit. Homes should be homes. (Beat) Be honest, you feel a bit like that, too – no?
MALCOLM
(LAUGHS, slaps the flat of his palm onto the table) I knew you were pretty, I had no idea you were hilarious as well.
JEMMA
Right. (JEMMA tops up MALCOLM’s glass, her own untouched) You must be away a lot. I bet it gets quite lonely after a while?
MALCOLM
I’ve been doing this for years so I’ve grown used to it. That’s not to say a man doesn’t have urges, because I’m flesh and blood. I absolutely do. (BURPS)
JEMMA
I can see and understand that a man as talented and – if you don’t mind me saying – as handsome as you has urges. It would be a waste if you didn’t.
