Me, the person brought here specifically to help with Heather’s downfall, is surely getting side-eye from them. I remain resolutely fakely engrossed in the curated lives of people on the internet. My not reacting means they continue, albeit at a lower volume. I strain to hear.
‘He used to go out with her. Which makes me wonder what he was up to when he was a landlord if that’s the quality of company he kept.’
Bingo. Of all the causes to fight in the world, he went after his ex. Who does that? A coward. Someone who holds a grudge. A misogynist. A person unable to deal with their emotions. Not a kind, pure-hearted man. Again, he had a choice to enact change himself but didn’t take it, leaving the union and me – me! – to clear up the mess. Well, there we go, that makes it all quite clear. Haz was a bad man and I did a good thing.
Because the universe does not let me enjoy anything for long, Amara moseys over to me. ‘We weren’t expecting you to stay for that part.’
Staring at Instagram is not going to save me here. I flop my hand down, keeping the phone’s screen illuminated to show I intend to return to it shortly. ‘It felt extremely rude to walk out when you were all talking about a murdered man.’
‘I guess so.’ The fact she has zero chat to go with this pointed comment about my presence allows me to deduce that Nicol has complained I’m still here and his conversation with Gavin is a two-pronged approach: he forces them out and Amara takes care of me. ‘Yeah, I hadn’t thought of what that would be like for you.’
‘Well, when has that ever been something you’d bother yourself with?’
‘You do have a point. I have been self-centred in the past. I’m trying not to be now.’ This is worded in a such a way that it begs a follow-up question, but I will not succumb to asking one. When it’s clear I’ve chosen silence, she continues, ‘You have also been known to be selfish, you know.’
The bait is taken. ‘Like when?’
‘When you started going out with Nicol you disappeared for a month and then said you couldn’t go on our girl’s holiday to Corfu after all.’
Nicol had said our relationship was too new to trust me hundreds of miles away surrounded by topless men on the beach. Amara and I never went on another foreign holiday together ever again, for a variation of the same reasoning from dear Nicol: the relationship was never long enough for him to trust me.
I concede, ‘That was shit. I’m sorry. Still not as bad as what you did, but nevertheless, sorry. Any other grievances you’d like to air?’
‘When we used to go to The Garage and you pulled, you’d run off with the man and leave me on my own to either get a taxi back to Hamilton or wait until the place had cleared to find you getting groped in a corner.’ This is also true.
‘Men. All our problems have ever stemmed from men.’
A heavy silence follows as we absorb how the teachings of the Spice Girls did not permeate as deeply as we thought.
‘I get why you disappeared with Nicol. When his attention’s on you it’s impossible to be parted from it.’
This has to stop; we’ve strayed to who we used to be. I take us back to the meeting. ‘Haz sounds like he was quite the complicated character.’
‘Eh? Complicated? How?’
‘You know, having been a scumbag landlord then turning against other people like him. By the time he died, do you think he’d made appropriate amends?’
Amara studies me. There’s something there that, when she recognises it, her eyes light up. ‘You always see things in such an interesting way, Jem.’ There’s affection in how she speaks.
I press on. ‘So what do you think?’
She mulls my question over. ‘If he’d lived, absolutely he would have evened out the bad he’d done with the good. But if I’m honest, not yet.’ We stand together in comfortable silence, which she ruins with, ‘That might actually be the saddest part of what happened.’
Any leftover doubts about having done what I’ve done dissolve. Hooray. Amara mistakes my renewed happiness as being pleased to be in her company. ‘Your mum was in the shop the other day. I gave her my discount for old times’ sake.’ Amara enjoys the company of Mum about as much as I do; this anecdote is her offering proof she is repentant.
‘My mum was in ASDA? She’s always been Saino’s loyal.’
‘She said something about unsavoury characters hanging about there? Dunno what she means. I know theBig Issueguy has a pitch at the entrance but he’s sound. Still, maybe that’s who she means?’
We all know that this unsavoury character is me, don’t we? It’s amazing my mother can continue to shock me despite being like this my entire life.
The following silence tells Amara this is not a rich seam of conversation. She switches things up. ‘So, tell me about the new squeeze? Seems a bit quirky, not your usual type.’
‘They’re bloody lovely and kind and seem really into me. It’s new, but also it feels like it’s been me and them forever.’
‘You deserve all that and more. The fact they helped you do this Heather Gray stuff shows they’ve a good heart.’
‘Yeah, they definitely do.’ That dopey-eyed look that comes over a person when they’re talking about being in the first throes of love sweeps across my face, and then wipes off it as I realise I’ve tricked myself into thinking I’m talking to my friend. ‘I can’t do this, Ams.’
