I told Nicol this last night. Why are you asking?
The message is seen straight away, Amara responds the second the blue ticks illuminate to show me she’s read it.
Sorry. I actually wanted to ask you about something else…
Typing…appears under her name on and off, on and off, for ages, and that’s irritating to me, too. If she’s going to ask me something, she should just fucking ask it. I drop the phone, another look from Gavin, then my phone vibrates to let me know the message Amara spent a generation typing is with me.
It’s about Nicol.
That’s what it took her ages to compose. That. The mention of Nicol unearths a paranoia within me. How weird he’s been whenever I’ve been alone with him, that message about him being the best I could get I am now thoroughly convinced he sent from Amara’s phone – who is to say that just because this is Amara’s number what I’m receiving is from her this time?
Amara, if this is you, send proof.
Amara – or Nicol, whoever it is – disappears offline, so that’s shut them up, which is welcome reprieve until Amara sends me a selfie in which her expression is very serious as she poses next to her giant telly which is on the BBC News channel, showing today’s date and the time of one minute ago. She never was good at taking a picture of herself. I believe it to be authentic and not a clever piece of Photoshop. I continue with the chat.
What about Nicol?
Gavin is getting up, shredding papers, stretching, generally making much more noise than usual. ‘Are you wanting me to notice you, Gavin?’ I turn my phone over on the off chance their eyesight is spectacular and they can read my messages. Given their reaction to Nicol in the flesh, Nicol’s girlfriend and me in communication would probably not help things.
‘I thought it would be nice to clear the air?’
‘I don’t really know what I’m clearing the air from, Gavin. I understand there are some things you don’t agree with’ – I turn around to see Brian fiddling with the settings on his ring light, I catch him just as he’s went too high and nearly blinded himself – ‘but we should be able to talk about things, not vanish.’
Gavin sits on the edge of my desk. It creaks from their weight but it would be inflammatory to suggest they move elsewhere when they are trying to make amends. They whisper, ‘I mean it, I had to go. Do you really think I’d be that insecure about your ex? I can feel what’s between us, Jem. People don’t have the chemistry we do if they’re hung up on ex-boyfriends who have questionable facial hair. I understand the timing made it look like it was a huff, but I promise it wasn’t. I’d only leave you if I had no choice.’
Three messages come in one after the other,buzz,buzz,buzz, making it sound urgent, like important things are happening. The vibrations act as a deterrent to Gavin, they get off my desk. ‘OK,’ is the best I can muster.
My phone buzzes again.
‘Do you want to go on a walk at lunch?’ Gavin asks.
‘Sure, yes. I brought in leftover lasagne for you in case you wanted to eat some after all of your effort.’
Gavin’s face breaks into a smile that makes me instantly forgive them. I hate myself for being so soft, so easy to win over. Love is weakening me just as I’ve found my strength. I’ll need to keep an eye on that.
How did he treat you?
– I mean, I know badly. He cheated on you for God’s sake. Before then, was he nice? You were always so coy about him. I know you had ups and downs like everyone does but it was mainly ups, in the long term, yeah?
– I think it’s harder for us than we thought it would be. It could be that he is stressed because he feels bad about what happened with us all?
– Don’t get me wrong, I love him and I know he loves me.
Amara being miserable may sound like justice to someone outside of the situation, but to me it’s the worst-case scenario. For my life to be blown up, I want them to have movie love, the kind people talk about as aspirational for themselves. You know, ‘Yes, they started off as an affair but anyone can tell by looking at them they’re meant to be together, what choice did they have?’ Ams not even getting to live happily ever after is a nightmare for me.
He is not a nice person, he made me feel very bad about myself. How I looked, my personality, my career, who I was friends with (yes, even you) – everything became nothing until it had his validation. You told me once when me and him were going through a bad patch that I needed to prioritise pleasure, stop thinking having a sad life was the only life. I give this same advice to you x
Amara reads and then contemplates what I’ve said. Her response is the thumbs-up emoji, followed by one final message.
Can you please delete these messages? Just in case.
I put my phone onto airplane mode and then place it in my top drawer to stop me from acting on my impulse to throw it across the room, then continue on my fruitless search for Henry.
Before I know it, it’s lunchtime; I retrieve the leftover lasagne and heat it up for Gavin. When I place the plate down in front of them they kiss my hand, a tiny gesture that is enough to dissolve any lingering annoyance I have with them.
I pick at a tub of grapes while Gavin reads the headlines to me. ‘There’s a strike at a nuclear power plant, the housing crisis is “intens-ifying” in Scotland, that woman from Bothwell in the coma woke up.’
‘That’s great,’ I mumble.
