OFF SCREEN: JEMMA fast-forwards until she spies a shot of Hamilton – slow-moving traffic on Low Waters Road.
MALCOLM (VO)
Back now to Hamilton, where earlier we met up with Colin who, for a bargain £52,000, bought this one-bed flat.
Colin’s used to crunching the numbers in his day job as an accountant, but did he keep to budget? We returned to the property five months later to find out.
MUSIC: Shifts from a folksy guitar piece to hardcore rave.
The rooms in the flat are shown one by one – first in their previous state, and then, with a wipe transition, we see them transformed after Colin’s renovation.
MALCOLM (VO)
The new kitchen is modern and practical. By painting the walls a neutral colour, Colin has made the space a light and calming place to cook. The living room has been stripped right back and the original features restored.
OFF SCREEN: JEMMA fast-forwards again, unable to stomach all this praise for painting rooms white. She presses play when she sees Colin in the flat, running his hand over the new kitchen worktop, a satisfied expression on his face.
MALCOLM (VO)
Let’s find out how much this all came to. Did Colin keep to budget?
COLIN stands next to the bay window in the living room, his brow visibly sweating.
COLIN
We were potentially going to go a bit over once we discovered the electrical issues, but I managed to wangle things so, even with that work, we didn’t.
OFF SCREEN: JEMMA, confused. The bathroom electrics remain temperamental, not what anyone would expect to be the result of professional work.
MALCOLM (VO)
How does Colin feel now it’s all finished?
COLIN
It’s nice to see all my hard work pay off. With this one done, it’s onto the next property to grow my portfolio even further.
MALCOLM (VO)
It’s time to find out if Colin’s efforts have paid off. We brought back our local property expert to have a look.
ENTER BRIAN wearing a grey suit so shiny it looks liquid.
BRIAN
The work here has been completed to a high standard. There’s a feeling of space and light that tenants will enjoy. I estimate this flat, which is a perfect property solution, could achieve a rental value of £525 per calendar month.
GRAPHIC ON SCREEN: Costs accurate to December 2018.
COLIN
That keeps in line with the valuations I’ve had with other agencies in the area. I think it’s a fair rate.
OFF SCREEN: JEMMA says to the empty room, ‘If it’s so fucking fair, why is my rent £700, you twat?’ then turns off the telly and screams.
2
In the aftermath of watchingFixer Uppers Go Under the HammerI experience the same grubby satisfaction I do after I’ve watched porn. Sweaty, filthy, a base need sated. The depths of my desire unknown to me until the deed was done. A need to check around the empty flat, peer out of the windows to be sure no one saw or heard what I was up to, how lustful my thoughts are.
