To say I am stunned is an understatement. Brian, this absolute weapon of a man, has figured me out with barely any thought whatsoever. If he can get it, then surely the police won’t be far behind. I try to go back through how it played out this morning to reassure myself there is no evidence. There’s not, I’m sure there’s not, but then I was certain things would go to plan and that wasn’t exactly the case, was it? Fuck. Too many seconds have passed. Brian looks at me expecting a reply.
‘Aye, I’m so powerful I make folk electrocute themselves and induce heart attacks in men who wrong the agency. You should be very afraid, Brian.’
He chuckles at that. ‘I’ve got my eye on you.’ Then he gives me a wee wink to prove this is banter, in case his tone wasn’t enough.
Even quieter than my laughter is Gavin speaking. ‘Sorry, what did you say?’ I ask.
‘Colin wasn’t an idiot.’ Their fingers are stripping their lager of its label.
‘You’re right, big guy. Excuse me, bigperson. Colin was alright. I’m sorry he went like that.’ First Brian surprises me with figuring me out, now with his emotional intelligence. ‘Although he did always do shitey repair jobs if he could. Mind when he ended up soaking himself through trying to fix a shower in one of his places? Ended up having to get professional cleaners in because of the piss-wet-through mess he left behind.’
They both laugh, but I can’t say I find the idea of my landlord coming in and making the problem a hundred times worse then leaving my home minging enough for cleaners to be required particularly funny.
Brian asks me, ‘How much do you know about Colin?’
‘Absolutely nothing.’ My intuition tells me this is not the time to tack on, ‘And why would I need to know any more? He’s dead, and that seems like as much information as I require.’ Talking about landlords been and gone is a waste of time. I am future looking.
Brian wants to wallow in the good old days of Colin breathing and being a pest, though. ‘Well, because he was an accountant he liked to keep track of every penny, and you had to prise any outgoings from him like Excalibur from the stone. Which would lead to him being soaking man and ruining his own carpets…’
‘Or there was that time he tried to plaster where a leak had been and got it all wrong. Everything he’d put on the ceiling fell on the tenant’s face while they were sleeping. Can you imagine?’
This is horrifying to me, but not to Gavin and Brian, who chuckle.
‘And what, you let him continue to terrorise his tenants until he died in front of me?’
Gavin shakes their head. ‘No, no. I think the plaster incident was when we formally stepped in and said he had to stop doing the repairs or he could get sued. I certainly didn’t think he’d come out of retirement for some electrical work. Might have had something to do with having to pay legal fees because a disgruntled ex-tenant was going after him.’
Quite desperately, I want to shift away from Colin. The more I hear the angrier I’m getting. ‘Brian, I meant to tell you, I ate a frog this morning. It was a really helpful technique. I can totally see how it’ll transform how I tackle tasks. Thank you for sharing it with me.’
‘That’s brilliant. Always happy to hear when the stuff I find beneficial is helping my staff.’
‘If there’s anything else you’d recommend, I’d love to read it.’
Without saying a word, he vacates my seat and goes back to his office.
While he’s audibly rooting around his bookshelf, Gavin whispers, ‘Kiss arse,’ and I’ve no idea if they’re serious or not and don’t have time to decide because before I know it Brian is right next to me. He hands me the shape book from my interview, the cover of it featuring very 90s clip art pictures of all the shapes in primary colours.
‘As a triangle, you’ll really enjoy diving into this and finding out more.’
Opening it up, I notice he’s writtenProperty of Brian Devlinon the title page like he had on the frog book, too. I flick through the pages, stopping on one that summarises what each shape means. Squares like Gavin are logical and organised. Triangles are confident and focused. Squiggles like Brian are creative forces and chaotic to be around. So far, so accurate.
When the beers are finished, we all resume the pretence of work until clocking-off time. The beer has made me lethargic. I can’t be arsed even putting on a display of work, and double-checking Brian’s fake life tallies across all his devices and apps can wait, so I read the book instead. The more I take in about triangles, the more I believe I actually am one. Icanbe impatient and don’t enjoy listening to opposing points of view. And I hated that Brian, of all people, got so close to figuring out what happened to Willie. That last bit is not in the book, obviously. It’s just what’s going through my mind. I have to make sure no squiggles or anyone else can ever link me to Willie or whoever I decide to target next. I need to do more, I just have to be sensible about it.
15
As if to further drive home the point about how small Hamilton is, the universe sends my mother to Sainsbury’s at the exact same time I am there. The house I grew up in and my flat are a seven-minute walk away from each other, so it’s not entirely unexpected we would end up in the same place at the same time. Only I am not usually the one who sees her first. She tends to spy me and then, once she’s safely left the vicinity, she’ll send a text along the lines of:
Were you just looking at sanitary pads in Boots? Think I saw you or someone who looked very like you but with frizzier hair x
Whether I want to interact with her today or not, she is impossible to avoid, examining the yellow-stickered items in the chiller cabinet closest to the entrance of the shop, a little plastic punnet of reduced blueberries already in her basket. Deciding it’s best to get it all over with, I approach her from the side.
‘Hiya, Mum.’
We’re in public, a shop assistant is checking sell-by dates on packets of bacon beside us. I have to be acknowledged in the way a mother should acknowledge their only child in public.
‘Oh, it’s yourself.’ She doesn’t drop the basket; the edges of it stab into my back as she gives me a hug without any force behind it, her arms encircle me and then let go in the space of a second.
‘Didn’t expect to see you here,’ she says. ‘Thought you got all your shopping from ASDA.’
