I laugh a little too hard, and the feeling is as bright as a rainbow after a thunderstorm.
A light ding sounds from my backpack. It takes me a moment to realize that it’s the phone alarm I set, reminding me to head to The Red Curtain. I crawl to my backpack and silence my alarm.
“Do you need to go somewhere? I’m sorry to take up your time,” Mama says, looking as self-conscious as ever.
“No, Mama. You can stay here as long as you like. I just need to head over to The Red Curtain soon, but I would love it if you stayed.”
She smiles with a hopeful light in her eyes. “I’m so proud of you and your goals, Missy. Something to Glow About is going to be a wonderful success. How can it not be when those kids will have you as their mentor and friend?”
I blink several times, still amazed that Mama is here, that she loves me, that she believes in me. “Thanks, Mama. I can’t believe it’s becoming a reality. Let’s just hope that people will come.”
“They will. It was apparent from the airport that you have a whole community of friends and family willing to support you.”
Like a cat stroked against the grain, I bristle at the wordfamily, remembering the many Christmases and pageants and school events I’d wished for my mama to be there for, but she wasn’t. I feel my walls go up, hyperalert. The walls that have kept me strong, fortified, and independent through the years. They are an indomitable shield against people and situations that could break me in two. Like my mama and Colton. Every time I lower my walls, I’m reminded of why I put them up to begin with. In the end, the only thing I can trust to be there for me is me. Why is this situation any different?
Quickly, I stand up and brush off my pants. I suddenly have half a mind to lead Mama to the front door and shut her out. And Colton. And the pain. I don’t need them. All I need is me.
But when I look into Mama’s eyes, a warmth eases over me like a heater combating the fierce cold of a Colorado blizzard. In one single moment, I remember that I am broken, I am loved, I am hurting, and I am wanted. The thoughts war within me, and I’m unsure of what to do next. But like a wisp of summer breeze, I hear Maria’s voice inside my head.“And why are we throwing away a perfectly good thing?”
I exhale, letting the words seep into me.Why? Why? Why, Missy, would you throw this reconnection and love away?I breathe out my anxiety with every exhausted breath, because I’m tired. I am so tired of constantly keeping my walls raised. And it’s at this moment that I realize that by keeping out the pain, I’m keeping myself from fully embracing all that’s good, including the beauty from the pain. A beauty I feel just from looking at Mama.
“Missy, are you okay?” Mama stands, looking at me with motherly concern in her eyes. And oh, does her concern feel like a salve to my healing wounds. Just when I thought my well had run dry, another tear leaks from my eye as Mama’s arms surround me.
“Yeah. I think I’ll be just fine.” I squeeze her closer, and she does the same. A layer of belonging wraps around me, so comforting that I don’t want to leave.
“I think we have company,” Mama says, pulling just far enough away from me to bring my attention to the living room entryway where Paige stands with a sheepish smile and Ji carries a platter of caprese sandwiches surrounded by a wreath of assorted fruits. I have no doubt they heard the better part of my conversation with Mama. It’s not exactly hard to do in this century-old, paper-thin house. Their soft smiles and empathetic eyes only add to the peaceful feeling inside me. No, I am not in this alone.
“Come on in,” I call, breaking apart from Mama.
Paige walks in and collapses on the old blue couch opposite the one Mama had previously occupied. She fans herself with her trusty leaf while Ji places the brunch tray on the coffee table before joining Paige. Mama and I sit on the couch across from them.
There’s a moment of silence before Mama pipes in. “I do believe I’ve interrupted your time to chat aboutSunsets and Sabotage. I think we’d all love to know how it really was, Missy.”
Paige’s eyes light up with puppylike glee, and she scoots to the edge of her couch cushion.
“Some clarification on a few things would be nice,” Ji says.
“Clarification?” I quirk a brow.
“Yes.” Paige digs her phone out from her back pocket. “More specifically …” She scrolls her thumb down her phone. “What in the world is this?”
Paige shoves her phone into my hand, giving me and Mama a perfect view of a random social media post that makes my cheeks feel like I’m face-to-face with a fire-breathing dragon. On her screen, Colton and I are locked in an embrace as we kiss on the beach. And then there’s that hashtag again. #MoltonForever.
“Oh, goodness gracious.” As if I were kissing Colton for the first time, my stomach tries its hand at magic, and I feel like I’m levitating.
Paige gasps, bewildered. “It’s real.”
“I knew it.” Ji gives Paige a meaningful look.
“I can’t believe it!” Paige says.
“Look at her. She’s smitten.” Ji throws a hand out to me as if gesturing to a window display at Saks Fifth Avenue.
“Look athim.” Mama points to the screen. “He’s like an octopus—his arms are so tightly wound around you, it’s hard to tell where he starts and you end.”
“Mama!” I chide.
Paige, Ji, and I start laughing, which makes Mama laugh in return. The feverish burn across my skin dissipates with the sudden endorphin burst, but all too soon, the lighthearted moment is usurped by the memory of Colton’s words during our closing interview.
