Shortly after driving into Aspen, Paige and I have dinner at an Italian restaurant that looks out across the snowless ski slopes carved into the mountain. Then we take a walk around a nearby park several blocks away from the concert venue. The sun starts to set behind the mountain peaks, and the sky bursts to life with a myriad of bright colors. Paige and I walk hand in hand around a large stretch of manicured grass, talking about nothing and everything. I can’t imagine any place I would rather be than here with her.
We walk into an old gazebo we find along the trail, and Paige leans up against the railing, looking out across the beautiful little pond that surrounds the gazebo. A crisp mountain breeze funnels through the trees, brushing against my exposed face and arms and making me wish I wore more than a T-shirt. I look down to make sure Paige is comfortable, knowing her aversion to the cold, but her face is content. Paige left her jacket at her house, so she’s currently drowning in a company sweatshirt from the back of my car. It’s just one of my old black hoodies, but the way her curled hair fans across the hood and her delicate hands peek out from the sleeves does all sorts of things to my insides.
I encircle Paige, placing my hands on the railing on both sides of her. She leans her back against my chest as we silently watch the sunset reflected in the water. And then the strangest thing happens. I feel at peace, a feeling so rare for me that I want to bottle it up, make it into a candle, anything that would allow me to experience this all the time. The tropical scent of Paige’s hair fills my senses as I rest my chin on her shoulder, soaking in this perfect moment.
Since my first discussion with Rob last week, I’ve been at war with myself, wondering if what we’ve discussed is really the right move. Or rather, if I really can move past the idea of leaving Mom. But here with Paige, feeling like I do now, I know this is the right step. The clouds in my brain have parted, and at its center, Paige is this big ball of light, radiating warmth and hope. I want her to have everything she’s ever wanted.
“Paige?” I ask, raising my head from her shoulder.
“Mmm?” she hums, the soft vibration spreading across my chest.
“I want to be with you,” I tell her with all the conviction I possess.
Paige turns away from the pond and pivots so her back is against the railing and she’s facing me, all while my arms stay rooted in place on both sides of her.
“And I want to be with you,” she says.
Her lips curve into a small smile, and the light inside me expands. Just one look from her, and I feel weightless and full of energy.
“But I also want you to have everything,” I continue.
“Idohave everything, Jordan.” She looks at me sternly, a shadow passing over her features.
“I want to go to California with you,” I say.
Paige’s eyes slowly widen with shock as she scans my features for any signs I might be joking. “What?” she asks, barely above a whisper.
“I’ve been talking with Rob, and we’re going to expand and open up a California office. An office close to your future job.”
Paige’s mouth goes slack as she stares at me for several long moments. “Are you serious? What about your mom?”
I swallow back the momentary guilt and fight to remember how right it feels to be with Paige. “She has Dan now. And with Dan and her friends watching over her, I know she’ll be takencare of. And I can still annoy her with my phone calls from a distance.”
Paige is slow to respond, and for a moment, I panic, wondering if my feelings for Paige are more than what she’s feeling for me. Did I just move too fast? Moving to another state for a girlfriend is a huge deal. But to me, Paigeisa big deal.
I wonder if I made her uncomfortable. I grab one of Paige’s hands. “That is if that’s something you want,” I say hesitantly.
Paige covers her mouth with her hand, my sweatshirt engulfing her fingers. For a moment, I can’t tell if she’s going to laugh or cry, but then her eyes brighten, and a small laugh breaks from her lips. She nods, and her dimpled smile breaks free. “Yes, I want that.”
My doubts fade away as I sweep her up in a hug, lifting her feet from the floor. Paige folds her arms around my neck. She laughs again, and the sound is music to my ears.
When her feet touch down on the wood floor of the gazebo, her face is a mix of excitement and disbelief. Then her eyebrows draw together with an entirely new emotion. She places her hand over my heart. “Are you sure about this?”
I tighten my arms around her waist. “I’m sure I want you, Paige. And I want you to have the best life possible.”
Paige rests her head against my chest, wrapping her arms around my neck once more.
“I love you.” Her words are so soft that I wonder if I’m imagining them or if she meant for them to be heard. My heart pounds within me, feeling like it might burst with happiness. But when I open my mouth to tell her how I feel, a small bit of uncertainty about our future creeps into my mind.
These past few weeks, I’ve been all over the place with my worries and fears, dragging Paige along for the ride. But when I tell her how I truly feel about her, I want no uncertainty in my mind or hers about where we stand and our future together.So instead, I keep one arm firmly around her back and cradle her head against my chest and hope she can feel the words I’m having trouble saying aloud.
Paige and I spend the next half hour resurrecting old dreams as we talk about California, the places we want to go to, and the things we want to do. In a way she hasn’t before, Paige opens up to me about her Z3 job offer. Her whole body fills with energy as she explains how much she loves working with her California team. Her eyes crinkle with excitement, and her arms move animatedly as she tells me about the hopes she has for her career now that she will accept her promotion.
Watching Paige, I am both swept away by her joy and saddened that I almost kept her from living out the life that makes her light up like she is right now. She’s going to be incredible at Z3.
Eventually, Paige and I remember our old “California Dreamin’” list we made in high school and pull it out from the depths of our phones’ stored notes. While I knew Paige never went surfing when she was in California, I’m surprised to find that she never did most of the things on our list.
“I wasn’t going to do them without you. This isourlist,” she says.
